Hi I’m new, after advice/support

I’ve been trying to care for my elderly grandmother lately who is 90. It’s all getting a bit too much for me as I also work full time and have young children but I’m the only member of the family she’s got really. Funny how these things always fall onto the females isn’t it?

I try to help her around the house as much as I can and do her shopping for her. She’s had a bit of a setback lately though after a fall and her mobility has suffered. I’ve arranged an in-home assessment from the local adult social care team and they are coming this Friday. My grandmother is very resistant to this though, she thinks I am trying to ‘shove her in a home’ and lied to them last time on the phone that she doesn’t struggle with anything or need any help. I’m quite worried about it.

I’m finding it all a bit mentally taxing tbh. My gran used to be such a lovely, caring person but lately I have found her to be quite abusive. Making me feel bad for not being able to be there with her constantly, unable to take her out places (I don’t drive) she takes it all out in me. Most of her friends have sadly died or disappeared (maybe due to her behaviour change) and everything is focused on me. I have tried to get her into some elderly social activities but she is resistant. If this council assessment doesn’t lead to any help I don’t know what I can do.

Tell us more.

Hi Rachel,
welcome to the forum.

If at all possible you need to be at her assessment so you can explain all the things she does need help with. Also make sure you arrange a Carers Assessment for yourself so that you get some help in your Caring role too. You need to be very clear about what you do/ don’t want to carry on doing for her. There is info her: https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/getting-care-and-support/carers-assessment

Does she claim Attendance Allowance? This isn’t means tested and can be spent on additional support e.g. cleaning, ironing, gardening, visiting hairdresser etc https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/financial-support/help-with-benefits/attendance-allowance


I was about to say what Melly said, be at the assessment, take a sick leave if you have to.

Did you know at work you have certain dispensations for being a carer, I don’t recall because I am not working now, but you should be allowed a certain reasonable amount of time to chaperone to appointments etc.

Ask yourself could it just be you she is being bad to?
If not, is the change then a health issue there are some medical conditions that can cause a bad temperament, or is it the onset of dementia, they are considerations. Maybe she is scared of going into a home and scared of living alone and coping and she could be giving you emotional blackmail.
You are not her punchbag for her frustrations if she is just being bitter about being alone and not mobile and independent, don’t take it personally, leave it with her, it is her mood and outlook, not yours.
Regarding a home, it would be the best for her but in respect of resistance and accusations of putting her into one, then I don’t have helpful suggestions there, maybe others will.

Be your own best friend that you are doing what you can and her mood is her own lookout and be kind to yourself.

Hi Rachel, welcome to the forum.

I always worry about grandchildren caring for grandparents. Where are your parents?
At 90, your grandmother is going to need more and more and more help until she dies. That’s the sad reality.
The more help she accepts, the longer she can stay home.

If your grandmother doesn’t want help, that’s her choice BUT that doesn’t mean that she can choose to have you instead!!

I’m afraid that she may be suffering from age related mental issues, not her fault, but if she isn’t respecting you and the help you are giving, it’s very sad.

Where to go from here? It depends a lot on where she is living and how much money she has.

Does she own or rent her home?
Is she claiming Attendance Allowance?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings?
Do you or anyone else have Power of Attorney?