I’ve got a carers assessment coming up soon, with a social worker. I care for my Mum, and live with her. The assessment will be done at home. Makes me feel limited in what I can talk about, like I’ve to sit in front of Mum, or in the next room, making out as if everything is fine or at least not too bad.
When really I feel like everything’s a bit of a mess and I’m struggling. I’m running myself into the ground working and doing a long commute, the commute is so I can continue living at home to keep relatives happy. Or in other words, to avoid verbal abuse, and guilt trips from them.
My life is work, come home, chores, get Mum to bed, repeat. Social life is going to work. Thats my escape from home life.
Mum has applied for sheltered housing, so at least thats a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I have to hang on in there til she gets a place. Then I am free to leave. Then I could live closer to work, and have a bit of freedom and a more normal life
Not even sure there’s much point in this assessment but I’ll do it anyway
It should NOT be done at home! It should be done somewhere private so you can be really honest about how you feel, cry if that’s how you feel. It is supposed to look at the support you need in your caring role IF you feel able to continue. Your LA should have a Carers Charter or similar, have a look at your LA website.
Write down what you want to tell them but don’t feel you can in front of mum. Hand that over first and make it clear in the letter that these are the things you can’t say out loud. Bowlingbun is right - it’s better to have the assessment “off site” away from mum, and you have that right, but it’s not always possible or practical - so this is the next best option.
The very fact that you can’t easily escape from mum to do this shows that your situation has become unsustainable. Seriously damaging your own well being.
Thanks everyone I sent an email back to the social worker this evening to explain and see if she can do it over the phone instead. Its a small house and a bit pointless her coming out and me having to make out everything is ok in front of Mum.
Sometimes you have to wonder at the thinking of these people. Maybe to tick a box to say she’s completed the assessment. Bit of privacy would surely be common sense.
@bowlingbun When you said 'If youre able to continue ', you are so right. There’s been days I’ve felt like walking away. The only thing stopping me, is I can’t face the fallout. Days when i got horrible comments from Mum, and when I mention it to.my aunt, the sort of response she gives, is its a pity of my Mum, its her health (MS, nothing affecting her cognition thankfully). So that makes me feel like a heartless cow for complaining, when im at my wits end, with nobody else to talk to
We cared for all four of our parents, both mums were just too ill to spend their last year at home. It wasn’t that we didn’t love them but one person can’t provide 24/7 care.
You need to view your aunt’s comments differently, she wants to guilt trip you so she doesn’t have to do anything, but I believe the only people who have a real right to make a decision are those actually doing the caring!
The relief when mum moved into a nursing home was enormous. I was not longer expected to do anything and everything, I was just mum’s daughter again, who took flowers and arranged them, again. Something I did regularly with mum when I was a girl.
For the sake of your own well being, you have to try to find a balance between your life and mum’s. One day I realised “I just can’t do this any more”. I’d done so much for so long that there was nothing left to give. There is no shame in that. Without you, your mum would have probably been in care years earlier?
Counselling taught me to think differently, feel proud of what I had done for mum, not guilty for what I couldn’t do.
There are some practical things to consider.
Does mum own or rent her home?
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings. Just yes/no is fine. (Below this figure mum may be entitled to subsidised or free care.)
@Shelly1 Cyber hugs. Do you have a local ‘Support for Carers’? If so might be worth contacting them for support and maybe they could make suggestions with regard to the assessment? I totally agree with how hard it is to complete and assessment if the person caring for is there. One of the reasons why I have not had one. Please let us know how you get on. You do sound at breaking point.
One thing to be aware of, in some areas (not saying all, but certainly was the case in mine) - even though the Carers Assessment is supposedly for the benefit of the carer, if it involves extra support being put in place to enable the carer to have some time off, and the caree isn’t cooperative, the Local Authority can take the view that there’s nothing they can do if the caree doesn’t agree to it.
They regard having offered something as having ticked the box and met the requirement of the assessment. The fact that what they have offered is either totally impractical or of no use to the carer is neither here nor there.
Sometimes you have to fight for what you need, often at a time when feeling drained and in the least best frame of mind for dealing with it all.
@EEG And if you have bothered to pay into a pension the person will be self funding s*d the carer. I cannot help but wonder if some specialist lawyers would work with carers in our position? I really think the whole ‘mental capacity’ which is apperently fluid needs looking at?
Understand where you’re coming from and there is no way I could ever have my carers assessment in front of my son. He would say he does everything ! Should be done on your own. They are hard enough but to talk about doing so much for someone we love on from to cheek I’m sure doesn’t help them feel great. Hope supported living can be actioned soon and have a chat on your own when having assessment. All the best
be nearly better to email me a form to fill in or a phone call
I sent an email back to the social worker this evening to explain and see if she can do it over the phone instead. Its a small house and a bit pointless her coming out and me having to make out everything is ok in front of Mum.