@chris667
Thanks for your message.
I’m hopeful mum can improve over the next few months. She will certainly need to learn some new coping skills if she is to live independently though.
we are encouraging this as much as possible but we’re only human and sometimes I just lose my temper (I don’t think mum is aware of this).
I’m not very good at being assertive unfortunately.
I’m either all sickly sweet with her or giving orders. I’ve got about 2679 books about assertive communication and now I wish I’d read one and practiced 
Mum pays a nominal amount (£20 per week). It’s just a gesture really. We agreed this before she came so that she could feel as though she’s contributing. I wouldn’t ask for more because I don’t need it and I’d rather her keep her money for when she buys a retirement property (waiting for divorce/financial settlement which is probably a good 6 months away).
Mum’s not a tyrant by any stretch but we’ve never been exceptionally close or lived in each other’s pockets.
I suspect I’m feeling a bit of resentment. I’m feeling like I’ve made a big sacrifice and it’s causing some resentment on my part.
Pretty sure most of my feelings are to do with the way I’m framing it all. But how to frame it differently?!? Not sure I could learn that in 6 years let alone 6 months.
@Melly1
Thanks for your message.
My job has me based at home permanently anyway otherwise I’m not sure I would have been able to help mum.
Joining some groups/volunteering etc would be great for mum in the future but it wouldn’t work right now. She doesn’t sleep very well so she’s often tired and her time is pretty full with form filling for solicitors with the divorce/property sale.
I’m trying to keep her focused with puzzles and books and Netflix, along with some board games and cooking.
Often feels like I’m trying to find ways to keep her entertained but she gets bored easily and I end up feeling guilty. This isn’t her intention I’m sure. I’m just very happy in my own company in the quiet so we’re very different.
You’re spot on about her wanting to keep busy all the time. Thanks for understanding
I’d be scared for her to find out exactly how hard this is for me.
I’m pretty sure she’d say she can’t do this to me, pack her bags and go goodness knows where.
Seriously, my mum is terrified of being a burden so I can’t actually let her know that she is.
Impossible really isn’t it
To not bad to feel selfish you want your own life as well. As a carer myself you need to makesure yo get time for yourself as difficult as it can be. Some face to face support groups or activities may help. Does she have interests or hobbies that you could occasionally attend with her so she feels you’re support. But also she can do alone. As someone else mentioned ongoing therapy is important so your mum can air her feelings and thoughts. It could also help you too. As it can be frustrating as you don’t want to push your mum away so she does not end up in that dark place again.
Does your mother have any friends? Could you maybe enlist them to help? I understand your compassion for your mother as she is very vulnerable but I do worry that the stress is not good for you and your partner. Does she have any support from a Mental Health Team? She will need support too when she moves out into her own place.
@Austin_2202
Mum loves card making but she doesn’t feel much like doing it at the moment. I do understand that it’s hard for her to get back into things. To top it off she doesn’t have much room at mine to bring all her kit.
She does really like walking though so when it’s dry we’ve been making a point of going out for at least half an hour. I’m trying to manage this carefully because she really needs to be putting on some weight. She eats very little so I’m trying to limit her exercise. Do you think that’s unfair?
@selinakylie
Mum has lots of friends and a very big family but she’s not really motivated to see them right now. She can just about handle a visit to see my younger sister. There’s a lot of shame involved in this and it makes her seeing people difficult.
She loves seeing her dogs (who live with my stepdad) but he’s unreliable so I can’t build in any guarantees for when she’ll see them.
She is under the care of the community mental health team who are very good. They are checking in regularly and she starts her therapy tomorrow.
Things may start to improve if she can get stuck into the work
Thinking of you. Hugs.
We all respond to stress in different ways, some become lethargic, others become like Duracell Bunnies”. I don’t think you should control her exercise, sometimes it’s a good way of mentally resolving things in my head when walking. Some people comfort eat, some don’t eat when stressed. Hopefully the counsellor will be able to help mum talk about these issues. I felt my first few sessions were a waste of precious time, if mum feels this she needs to persevere. Make sure there is some easy “nibble food”, no preparation needed. Cheese and biscuits, crisps, Mr. kipling’s small cakes, Try to think as a divorce being like a death, she may be going through a grieving process, she will come through it, eventually. It can’t be rushed through, you can’t avoid the pain. I became a recluse for a while. Have you ordered the book I recommended? After I was widowed at 54 I found it very helpful, especially working out what I would like to do more, or never again, in my new life. 17 years on I have built a different life. Although I have some hidden disabilities, and have a brain damaged son, I enjoy travelling on my own now!
@bowlingbun
Thanks for the advice. I’ll stop rationing her exercise based on what you’ve said it did for you. You’re right…it’s time for her to process things. And there is a lot!!
We already have a big cookie jar available with biscuits she enjoys and she is slowly learning to help herself.
I often suggest cheese and crackers in the evening and she has had some a few times.
I think, because I’ve never had a good relationship with my stepdad, I’ve missed the fact that this will be very hard for mum. And as you say, much like grief. Thanks for the reminder!!
It’s heartening to hear your story and hearing how you have carved out a life for yourself!!
I had ten absolutely terrible years, endless problems, never a chance to think about what I wanted for myself. My eldest son was a rock throughout, we sometimes wonder how we survived, especially without any arguments! After mum died I was so exhausted I went on a singles holiday to Crete, I think I slept most of the first week! I met many other “girls” and gradually the “old” me I thought was long gone began to emerge again, I learned to laugh and live again. My inheritance meant that I could afford special treats for myself. Trips to the hairdresser and beautician once a month are now a must. I belonged to a widows forum, and we all agreed that the lowest most depressing point was 6 months after our partner died. I’m wondering how long ago it was when mum’s life fell apart? Mum probably won’t be able to think clearly about what she wants for her future for months yet, as she lets go of the past. Think of it like “treading water” for a while, but that’s OK. I always try to write a daily diary - maybe get one for mum for Christmas, a page a day. I write very little about things that have gone badly, but like writing about what has gone well, and what I’ve done, what I’ve enjoyed, anything significant. Looking back on the difficult times, I realise how far I’ve come since then. I read somewhere “If you don’t let go of the past it will destroy the future”. So true, but not easy.