Hi all I’m new to this forum and thought it might help a little with my mental health to talk to others in the same boat. I care for my 92 year old mum. She is still living independently but needs help with appointment, tablets, financials, shopping etc. Her partner now lives in a home as he became too much for my mum to handle when he started falling over. Up to that point I was caring for them both with no help from his own daughters (but that is a whole other issue!). So now i take her to and from the care home 3 times a week for her to sit with him for 3 hours each time. It is a 16 mile round trip each time. All of this I really don’t mind as she is my mum and I would do anything for her, but recently she is becoming quite demanding and want’s everything doing now! Can anyone relate to this?
Mum is now classed as “very elderly” and her needs will be increasing rapidly, as she pays the price for living so long. However you don’t have to do everything, however much she wants you and only you!
Is mum claiming Attendance Allowance?
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Does mum own or rent her home? Do you live with her?
Does mum have over £16,000 in savings? Just Yes/No.
I know these questions may look nosey, but various benefits etc depend on these things. I will always believe the pressure of caring for our brain damaged sons and all four disabled parents, all nearby. Was a major factor in my husbands fatal heart attack.
It’s difficult dealing with stubborn elderly parents we love, but they forget that we are also getting older! Mum needs “someone” to take her on visits. Is she reluctant to use a bus or taxi, for example.
Is her home making life as easy as possible, tumble dryer and dishwasher, or is she resisting change?
Oh yes. I can relate to this. I look after my Mum who is 99. She is blind, has cognitive issues and other issues that mean that she is only able to do less and less. I see her twice weekly and do similar things to you. She is very obstinate and independent. She still lives in her warden patrolled flat, but a care home is probably looming, but it, at the moment, needs to be her decision to go. She wants everything done her way and gets easily frustrated. I have to tread things very carefully. I seed ideas then drop them, leave her to struggle and only help when she asks, and try to remain calm at all times. None of that feels easy, as I want to help, but it has made our times together easier! Mental draining for me though.
Yes, you are not alone! Make sure yiu take time to look after yourself too!
Hi Caroline
Welcome you are in the right place. It is so draining when Mums get so demanding and bossy with it. My mum is 92 93 in May. She has always wanted things done now or asap. Dad always jumped to her tune. They also do forget what age we are. I have done all things financial doctors appointments visits taking her shopping while she could. Shopping for clothes or things to do with her knitting or cross stitch which to be honest did not exist anymore was horrendous. I’d gladly go back into the mist of time to get them but only with David Tennant and that’s a fantasy that ain’t happening. I’d come away from these what could be 10- 4 totally drained. Things got worse when dad died 10 years ago. The thing is she is never going to be pleased with what I do what is bought for her what is done for her. It wears you down. @bowlingbun gave me a good tip when I was taking mum for counselling. Go do something else don’t wait there be a minute or two late picking her up. She needs to see you have a life and not there just for her. This forum has been a life saver for my. Advice understanding now guilt tripping as we all understand. Unless you have experience people say and suggest things that are no help. You only get the best support here.