I want to write this because I don’t know what else to do, who to turn to or how to express myself anymore. I don’t think I ever knew who I was. I have gone through a lot in my life. Some good, but a lot more bad. I’ve been abandoned by my mother and father at a young age. Beaten up at a very young age by them. Put in a boarding school when I was about eight or 9 years old. Sexually abused by a elder pupil that was about 16. The hurt if being so far away from your parents and crying fir them every night, and also hearing the other kids crying for their parents too. There is much more to tell. But despite that, nothing compares to how my life has been totally destroyed by someone called Susan. Now while it’s true that you always feel low when a relationship goes badly, this is the only one I have had that actually wants to make me commit suicide. Let’s start my life from the beginning, before any of this began. My first memory was my father, grandfather, great grandmother and great grandfather. It was in London. We would travel to London l. Me and my grandparents would travel to London to visit my great grandparents. My grandfather would be smoking a cigarette on the chair, while I’d be in the garden swinging on the swing chair with my great grandmother. They were both two lovely people. I remember living in Hythe, Kent with my father, step mother, brother and sister. Fortunately the beatings on me didn’t really start then. It wasn’t until after boarding school they started. I was maybe 9 years old. I remember the first beating I got. It happened just as the boarding school temporarily closed down because staff members have been abusing the young children in the boarding area. Most of my beatings were because of my half sister. My father always wanted a girl, so she was always spoiled more. It didn’t really bother me because that didn’t matter. The only thing that I cared about was not wanting to get another beating. When I was 9 years old my father was looking after my grand mother’s house because she was on holiday. I was watching cartoons with my brother and half sister.i was on the left side, my half sister was in the middle and my brother was on the right. My brother was reading my half sister and she started crying. My father came running over to find out what happened. And this ya the moment the first if the beatings actually started. He looked me and then punched me in the eye and kept hitting me while I was trying to protect myself from his punches. I was only 9 I couldn’t defend myself. My half sister let it go on a few more punches until she said “no dad, it was Andrew!” So he stopped punching me I quickly ran into my grandmothers spare room while my brother also got a beating. About 10 minutes later my dad tried finding me. I heard him coming so I cowered behind something trying to hide, and that’s when he acted nice and tried explaining that he didn’t know he just assumed I done something, then he tried cheering me up which made me feel a bit better, but my body was in so much pain. There have been many times were I’ve had a beating for no reason but one of the worse beatings was when I was 10. My father started punching me in the hall way if the house I lost my balance and fell, then he started punching me in the head and kicking me in the ribs. I’ll never forget that day because my ribs made a clicking sound every time I lay in my side. It’s tough being a kid, you don’t really know right from wrong. But are you meant to go through that? It seems like the normal thing to go through. My grandmother was oblivious to what was going on behind closed doors because I didn’t want to say anything to anyone. I was happily playing around one day at my grandmothers house and my father stuck his leg out so I tripped over. That is the first time my grandmother got suspicious and yelled at him. But back at home if I spoke too loudly at night to my brother the punishment was always the sane from either stepmother or father. Stripped clothing and high heeled shoe whacking. They nicknamed it “shoe time”. And blog we were beat so red. My fathers relationship wasn’t really going well, and he had also been beating her too. He started talking to someone from Canada. And when I was 11 has to be the worse year if my life. Some people say things get better, but it never did. It was the year my grandfather died, my dads new girlfriend started beating me too, and then the year I was abandoned. Now I don’t know why some people get to grow up in such loving families and done don’t. Or why some people get cancer and done don’t. Is life a test? If it’s a test then what was the importance of my life? What purpose did it serve because it all just seems to be based around dark hurt. After my dad left to Canada, my grandmother who just lost her husband took me in. It was hard for many years even at 12. I had to keep stopping my Grandmother overdosing on pills because she missed my grandfather. Life from that just got worse. My step mother changed her plea to guilty for hitting me. Her punishment bring banned from working with children. My father or Canadian step mother didn’t get punishment though. Seemed pointless as they fled to Canada. That’s the age we’re my nightmares got worse. I’d always dream that my father was coming to get me, and all my dreams as a kid was about being paralysed in my dream, death, or being killed. Most nights it made me wake up in sweat and screaming. I was around 12 and was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, which ya in the autistic spectrum. It severely affected my schooling. I was placed in the wrong type of school, but was the only one in the criteria available. I was bullied non stop. Every time I walked past a certain person I would always get a punch to the stomach. But let’s fast forward because I’m dragging this on. I’ve had a few relationships but my worst and latest one, and my final one hurt so much. She used me and tried turning me against my few friends that I actually had. I’m a loner, socially I struggle. None of my friends want to know me anymore. But my family forgave me. They aren’t happy with me because I kept ignoring their advice basically saying she is a catfish. Never met her, chat in the phone every day fir half a year. I spent out quite a bit of money in her. She would always tell me to f… off. Call me a c… and I told her all about my past, so the worst thing she said to me was “go slice yourself up, you’re dead to me. Your dad probably abandoned you because he couldn’t stand being near you. F… off you tramp” but it was always the sane a few days later she would apologise to me and like a fool I believed it. Told me she hated my family. Worst thing she did was tell me it’s over in the early afternoon and text me all day saying she’s going to take her life it was always “watch… watch what I do now wait for the pictures if my cut body dan” i begged and begged her to the point of being in tears to try get her to stop. That’s the day I realised she was getting off on it. She did this until 1am I didn’t know what to do. I resorted into calling the emergency services to check on her. They arrived at about 2am. Half hour later I received an abusive call from her asking why I called them. She said “f… off dan. Just f… off” then she hung up on me. I tried calling back but then it was cancelled. Twenty minutes later she calls back and starts being nice to me. Trying to think to myself what is going on? How can someone just instantly be nice. It the more we was in the phone the more I understood. She pretended to overdose on the phone making noises and not being responsive. Then half hour later the phone goes dead. I panicked and rang 5 times no answer. 4 am now I can’t ring emergency again what if I get in trouble for wasting time? I cried myself to sleep l. And that’s been a few times I’ve cried myself to sleep thinking she took her life. But she rang and woke me up 3 hours later at 7am and crying saying how sorry she was I told her that it’s messed my head up I want space. She said ok and I came off of the phone. She then chat on messenger spamming me with the “watch what I do” suicide threats again and I was too mentally exhausted I’m not oh not again!!! I blocked her in Facebook I couldn’t deal with it. She then started sms and calling. Around 30 calls and 25 texts before I gave in and answered. She promised never to do it again, but she did my any times. The time she took a video of holding 60 pills and ignored me for an hour then text me saying she took them but puked most if them up. There is a lot of stuff she’s done. Tried buying her roses, chocolates, take away food because she said she wasn’t eating. Even bought her a Samsung s10 because she kept saying how messed up get one us and kept reminding me if it every 10 minutes. She doesn’t want to pay me back or give the phone back though. Every week we would break up and she wouldn’t want to know for a few days. Seemed like a regular occurrence. And then one if her best friends that she once said liked her is back to being friends with her. So the last two times it was over he would he at her house for a few days getting drunk with her. But that’s all it was she said. But who feels like a fool? I feel pathetic, used, taken advantage of, mentally tortured. I feel so alone. And fir the first time in my life,’ I don’t know what to do, or who to turn to. I don’t feel like living and I want that feeling to want to live. I feel like I’m slipping away to the point of no return. Please give me some advice?
Ask your GP for counselling to help you put the past behind you, so that it doesn’t destroy your future too.