Help! My frail Uncle wants (wishes he) to be dead

All about caring
1

Hi my uncle was recently bereaved when my lovely, beautiful funny, kind and caring Auntie passed away in April this year. I miss her every single day. Since then, as some of you may know I have become his carer overnight. It’s about 5 months now since she passed and it’s not been easy, there’s been arguments, misunderstandings and I’m just genuinely tired and fed up. I have been looking after him all by myself day in day out. We did have carers from social services in place but that didn’t work out. I now have one private carer whom comes in every morning and an additional tea time Fridays. The rest of the time it’s just me and my partner but I also work!

Anyhow today and for the last few weeks on and off my uncle has been getting frustrated with himself as he can’t do all the things he used to do. He suffered a stroke in 2020 and ever since then he had struggled with everything from basic tasks and self care to walking. He gets frustrated and takes it out on me. He has been saying he wishes he was dead. I have said to him ‘please don’t say that’ it’s upsetting.

Tonight I was just getting him ready for bed when I told him there are no clean underpants (he only has 4) and he suddenly snapped and then when he was in the bathroom he shouted I wish I was dead look at the state of me! I’m a mess! I tried to reassure him and said that he needs to try and concentrate on what he can do NOT what he can’t. I told him that I understand he’s frustrated, I would be to in his situation and that I am here to help. It was of little comfort. I hate seeing him like this and caring for him is already taking its toll on me with physically and mentally- sorry if that sounds really selfish- but I don’t know how I can support him? I dare not go to his GP as he won’t like that one bit. Sorry for the long post bit what can I do to make him feel better about himself and the situation?

1 Like
2

As a recent widower his feelings are pretty normal, the “6 months after” is the worst… I was widowed suddenly when I was 54, husband was 58. However he ha absolutely no right to take it out on you. It’s not your fault he only has 4 pairs of pants! If he pays for them just order some online.

2 Likes
3

@Imacarer1 hello - sending some hugs over and a VERY BIG Exhale
That’s a lot of grief and tough days I’m so sorry for your loss

The in and out of a day, when grieving is horrible when all you can feel is sad. I’m wondering if you both join an online grief-cafe or if it’s NOT too stressful go to one locally
Here’s some support via links Cruse has been recommended several times to me

Perhaps connecting online, different energy and connecting can help you or your uncle
Here’s the Cuppas for you
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/your-health-and-wellbeing/online-meetups/care-for-a-cuppa/

Here’s the helpline for your uncle: Get support - Cruse Bereavement Support

here’s some bereavement support from Carers UK
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/coping-with-bereavement/

Try connecting with others, to de-escalate the frustration and to find some empathy. We’re all here for you. Your Uncle needs to think about other things, connect if he can just to change-up the dialogue in his mind…
Plus he needs more pants!!
Also - how about a haircut…I know it sounds trivial but a hair cut and even a good shave can work wonders in lifting spirits and appreciate himself more

I hope this helps xoxo MORE BIG HUGS

1 Like
4

Thank you! I know I don’t know why he snapped.

Ps sorry for the late reply. I’m not on here much these days.

1 Like