I am a carer for my mum and following the sad and sudden death of my aunty I am now caring for her husband (my uncle through marriage to my late aunty). It’s been very difficult time. Dealing with the death and arranging the funeral to becoming my uncles sole carer practically overnight!
I had to learn his routines, his medication, his likes/dislikes and personal care needs. It wasn’t until she passed away that I realised just how tough it must of been on my auntie caring for her husband (my uncle) he’s aged 74. I arranged carers through social services and for a week or two managed on my own I/we had our own little routine. Then the carers came and that was a godsend but it didn’t work out and after 2 weeks he decided he wanted them gone as they were useless! Anyways I have private carer now who just happens to be my friends mum and she is brilliant. She comes every morning 5 days a week accept weekends- where I have to manage.
It’s been going okay but I can’t help feeling guilty, resentful that I lost my own freedom and chance to do my own thing. I’m constantly looking after him and feel guilty if I go and see friends and leave him for a few hours on his own. I resent that he relies on me so much. I think? Or is it that I feel overwhelmed? He can be very demanding and won’t do anything for himself! He can do alot more than he lets on. Anyways I digress…fast fwd to today 3 months on and we had a physio in and she was lovely and she asked questions and today my uncle just snapped at me! He was effing this and effing that and told me to stfu. Is this normal? Anyone else here experienced this? Am I okay to feel the way I do? Tia
Hi @Imacarer1, welcome to the forum. It is hard work caring for two people, let alone one. I care for both of my parents and I know how hard it is not having complete freedom, feeling resentment if having a break. It does happen the person you looking after snap but you are uncertain why. I would suggest that you get appointment for a GP not just for him but your self as a precaution to make sure if you need to speak to someone like a councillor or need something to help then the doctor can do that. I. Would keep a log/dairy of daily life with your uncle so if he snaps again then there is evidence of it when you ask for help.
You are always welcome to come to the forum to chat and blow of steam in the monthly roll call. Also useful is the carers helpline who can be contacted by email or phone. Maybe your uncle needs a break from the house like a tempery holiday like respite place which social services can sort out or the GP.
Take care
Who decided to dump him on you?
The best solution would be for both of them to move into residential care so you get your life back. This is unacceptable, makes you a slave until they die. You have a right to choose not to care! I know this sounds harsh, but after 10 careers and 10 operations, as my eldest son says, “Mum you’re “ ducked. “ so instead of enjoying the weather today I’m sat on my bed watching Drew Pritchard! I used to have a large pretty garden, now it’s flattened. I gave away the last of my pots yesterday. Life should have been so much better.
Have to agree with BB. Why would he not accept the Carers? If he wants to stay in his own home that this has to be mandatory. You must NOT give up your own life. Things usually get worse with the elderly with co morbidities and you end up taking on more and more.
Sadly older people can become very very selfish so the swearing whilst not acceptable, seems relatively normal. I personally would ‘disengage’ writing to his GP - send special delivery and saying that he is a ‘vulnerable adult’ and that they have a Duty of Care and you are no longer able to care for him. Also get onto Adult Social Care and tell them the same.
One option might be to see if you have a local Support for Carers’ and chat it through with them. You DO NOT have to sacrifice your own life.
@Imacarer1… welcome to the group. It must have been difficult for you losing your aunt and then having to step in suddenly to care for your uncle. It sounds like you’ve done a fantastic and selfless job so far but the others are right in that you shouldn’t have to feel forced into caring. It should be your choice and you need to seek help if it gets to much, talking to your/his dr would be a good starting point. It’s only natural that you feel resentful.
Hi, I was in exactly same position you are now in, 2020, start of the pandemic , my mums sister, my aunty, had a massive brain bleed, and died on bedroom floor. Her husband was in a wheelchair, and the caring fell to me. He was a very difficult man, verbaly abusive, used to hit my aunts little dog, who we quickly re homed.
The pandemic made it impossible to get outside carers, I was also caring for my mum, newly diagnosed with altzheimers. I was in a hell of a position.
I carried on till he had some form of stroke, I couldn’t lift him from bed to bathroom, I called 999. Got him into hospital. He was quite sick, but my care responsibility got easier. He passed away few months later.
Sad to say but my actions that day saved my sanity.
I feel for you. I know how hard it is , but now mum needs 24/7 care, she wanders, won’t sleep, other family pity me but don’t help . I often wonder what will happen if something happens to me.
In your position, I would be requesting a care assessment. Move to a care home. I know my sanity was on the verge with uncles behaviour