Hello, I’ll keep this short and sweet. For the last 6 months I’ve been a carer. I have been since my lovely aunty suddenly passed away. There was nobody else. For the last 2 weeks his carer has been away on holiday (lucky her- sorry I know I shouldn’t say that) and I’ve been doing the caring as well as working.
The carer is due back tomorrow and after I put my uncle to bed which I do every night he was asking if he would still see me. I said yes of course. I said I have work though. He then asked if I would still be doing lunch. I said no. The carer is. Anyways he said I’ve abandoned him. I said I haven’t! I just need a break. I’m finding it difficult juggling work and caring responsibilities. How can I reassure him that I haven’t abandoned him at all? Also I feel it’s unfair for him to say that as I’ve given up everything to care for him as best I can. I feel guilty for getting the carer more in during the week.
I’ve asked for and got a carer coming i am using direct payments to pay for these extra days.
Your uncle is lonely as he’s lost his life partner. I was widowed at 54. I know what it’s like. You have to say that you cannot replace his wife, that is what the carers are for. You have your own life to lead.
Hello Melly1
sorry didn’t realise you are his nephew- it’s okay I didn’t tell you I was male or female so don’t worry.
Would it be possible for him to have a second carer to put him to bed and do his meds? I’m not sure? I don’t mind doing it but he goes to bed at 11.30pm and I don’t get back to my house until 11.45/12am. I only live 5 mins away but then I’m wide awake when I get in and I end up watching TV (I don’t have time to do this as I work or care for him at weekends so this is my only ‘me’ time). I have a paid for carer (direct payment) who now comes in every weekday to do the day to day caring and I come in at night to put him to bed) at the weekend it’s all down to me to do everything.
Then reduce your input to managing his care, visiting him to help him feel less lonely and doing other tasks that the paid carers can’t do. I have started to just go in and do my caring duties and then leave rather than stick around.
Did you uncle have any hobbies or interests? Pfft I wish! We tried Age UK locally and he didn’t engage with it. He gave up after a 2 weeks and said he’ll let me know when he wants to go but now we are are back at square one with him doing nothing. He used to come to town with us for breakfast and then id go to work and he’ll go out on his scooter around town (there’s NOTHING for him to do) and then after I’d have to leave work to walk with him home and get him in the house (he can walk but not great) and then back to work. I’m 36 he’s 74 we have nothing in common and he usually just sits and watches TV and doesn’t speak. He said he likes my company even if we don’t talk much. As he’s got no interests or hobbies there’s nothing to talk about.
We are all responsible for our own happiness. If uncle doesn’t want to do anything or join anything that is HIS CHOICE. It does not give him a right to take over your life! Why does he need someone to tuck him up at night??? You have to decide what you want for your own life and then he can either do things himself, have carers to help, but they won’t be around at midnight, or move into residential care. Unless you want to be his slave until he dies?