Me and my boyfriend live with her.
No she hasn’t she won’t accept any help of them or anybody else offical.
I honestly don’t know if I’ve anywhere to go but I haven’t asked anyone either.
Then maybe you and your boyfriend should start planning for your future? Start by thinking about where you want to live? Near enough to your work. How much would it cost? Can you afford it? Do you have what you need? Bed, bedding, pans furniture etc?
We’ve already been discussing all these things and well probably take all our bedroom furniture with us and there’s a local charity furniture shop near me. I’ll be giving it until my dog is longer no longer here to see if she does change.
Sometimes I feel like im never going to do this. I’ve depression and anxiety and my mums a narcissistic toxic person. They say to get away from ppl like that but how can I get away from my caring responsibility for my mum. Is there anyone else here going through the same thing???
You’ve seen mum in her true light, toxic, narcissistic.
A mum is supposed to be caring, nurturing, encourage their children to realise their full potential, be happy, to fly out into the world.
She has ground you down and made you feel so trapped you can’t escape, but honestly, you can. It’s going to take counselling, courage, and commitment.
She is going to behave like an elderly toddler when you leave, but doesn’t she anyhow?
You have a RIGHT to be Happy, to laugh, to have a partner, children, a home of your own but it won’t happen when you are there, with mum.
We have had a number of real success stories on the forum of people living happy lives, with a child, a home of their own. It CAN be done, but ultimately the decision is in your hands.
Do your research about housing benefit, what is available in your area, and all the other things you need to do. When everything is finalised, tell mum you are leaving, but not before that.
Mum is NOT your responsibility. She is responsible for her own life and her own happiness, just as you are.
Hi Lesley.
Just wanted to reiterate what the other posters have said and offer support.
It’s not just that you DESERVE a life of your own and everything it has to offer but you are ENTITLED to it!
You are not under any obligation to care, nor are you duty bound to care.
I use the acronym J.A.D.E. So I tell myself when confronted with narcissistic family members (and I have many years of experience with their toxicity) that I do not have to:
J - justify
A- argue
D- defend or
E- explain
myself or my choices and decisions to anyone!
Stay strong Lesley and you and your boyfriend will have a great future 
Silver-freemark, that’s really good to remember.
its been a while since I posted here but I’ve been thinking that the fact that my mum was/is a narcissist. I don’t know if I’m overthinking that or if she actually is. i can give you some examples and id like your honest opinion whether I’m just over-thinking or the fact is actually true.
*I didn’t have my own room till I turned 17.
- I couldn’t go to school
- even from a young age I had to take my mum shopping
- my dad was a neglecting dad who only ever taught me to read.
- I had to clean the house cos my dad was a drinker
- I only ever had one sleepover even that took persuasion
- I couldn’t play out with kids my age.
- I had to take my mum to the doctors
- I got slapped when I misbehaved
- I wasn’t allowed to go to the park with my family
- I never had the chance to do my homework
Honest opinion, not permisable here, so shall I just say a dreadful, dreadful, horrible controlling mother, the very worst kind, the opposite of everything a good mother should be.
You owe her not debt of gratitude or loyalty.
Lesley
From your rundown…your mum thought more of herself than you as a child.
Its time to return the favour…to put it bluntly.
You have to put yourself first,.
If you dont …she clearly won’t.
Its your life.
I too have experience of narcissism.
I’m so sick of my mum’s attitude, she’s obsessed with cats who aren’t even ours. She a horrible person when she doesn’t get her own way. She often gives us the silent treatment if we answer her back. im constantly on edge with her and i cannot have a personal convesrtion with her. She calls our cats her fur grandbabys so shes no grandchildren but what she doesnt realize its beacause of her attitude and ways is why she doesnt have any, It actually hurts when she says that shes got fur granbabies instead of actual one. i wish my family knew what she is like .
Lesley, let her give you the cold shoulder. Don’t even try to have a conversation with her. Just don’t waste your breath. It sounds like she goads you to lose your temper, so don’t give her the satisfaction. She really sounds awful.
As to your family, film her being nasty, and show them. It’s time they knew the truth.
And its time you got out. Nothing will change, she’s incapable of change. Get out and start enjoying your life.
Hello Lesley. This is dreadful. You have never had a life, or a chance to advance yourself. It is at least good that you have taken the courage to produce this list. This assessment of your background is a good step towards getting yourself into a better situation.
How on earth did Mum get away with preventing you from going to school? In my school days an attendance officer would check up on absent pupils. Maybe it is different now. One comment I don’t understand is that you never had the chance to do your homework. If you didn’t go to school, how did you get homework to do? Perhaps you could enlarge on that a little.
On going through the posts I find I need to ask a few questions, so that we all can try to help you.
- Is your Mum registered as blind? Does she have any sight at all? Not many people are totally blind but are registered with the RNIB.
- How old is Mum?
- Does Mum receive any type of disability allowance?
- How much other family do you have?
- I presume this is Mum’s house. Does she own it or rent it?
- Do you know anything about her savings? If she has more than £23 250 to her name, this is significant.
- How does your boy friend get on with your mum?
- Have you ever had a job of any type?
- Does your boy friend have a job?
Certainly take a coach holiday or a weekend break in a hotel if it will make you better. There is nothing mean about this. Everyone is entitled to some recreation.
You do need to reduce your caring activities to a point that you find acceptable. At 37 it is not too late to get married and have a family (I married at 36) but time is running out, and you need to disentangle yourself from your caring rôle before you can have much success in that direction. In ten years’ time it will be getting a bit late.
You need to get Social Services to give her a needs assessment. Ignore her protests that she does not want then involved - just set it up.
It is a point in your dad’s favour that he taught you to read. You write well and your spelling and grammar are good. I can’t help but perceive however that your mum did not control your dad in the way she is controlling you. Maybe if your dad got away with insubordination, so can you.
You don’t owe your mother anything. She has prevented you from having a decent life and used you for her own selfish ends. It is now time to escape from this totally unacceptable situation.
It does not sound as though you have a job and this is something you should seek. You will not make anything for yourself if you just rely on benefits. Your unfortunate lack of education will not make this easy but it should not be impossible. Go along to the local Job Centre and sign on there and see what they can offer. They may also be able to give you some practical advice on college courses you can attend to support potential employment. Any job is better than no job, and is also better than carer’s allowance if you are caring under such totally unsatisfactory conditions.
Once you are in steady employment you will be in a stronger position to look for accommodation for yourself and boy friend. Then you can make a clean break from looking after mum. Social Services can look after her welfare.
@Denis_1610
She just told the school I was poorly and that was it.
Hi there, my mum is 68 years old, she’s been registered blind she was 18. She gets PIP and a pension. We live in a rented council house. There are other family members but we don’t talk very often. I’ve never had a job, I went to a training course 16 years ago and that’s it. I only went to school once or twice a week so I could never catch up to it. So according to mum , my boyfriend isn’t “allowed” to get a job cos it will affect my benefit, but when I checked he could work 24 hours a week before it does. If he isn’t “allowed” I certainly won’t be “allowed” He gets on ok with her just like I do but there’s no close friendship with them. The only 2 good things from my dad are that he taught me to read and I have my dads laid back attitude. She’s never had a social service assessment and she wouldn’t go for one either I know that for a fact. Everything HAS to be her way , if not…she can be a horrible nasty person.
NO! Everything doesn’t have to be her way. She’s brainwashed you into thinking it does.
Are you aware that you may be made homeless after she dies or leaves the house?
Surely that’s enough incentive to sort out your life now?
Hi there, yes I’m aware what could that I could be made homeless when she dies. My partner and I won’t want to stay here when the times comes. I’ve also been looking at trying to improve my life skills .
Your written English is great. Maybe start with an English qualification? How are your maths?
I’ve a grade C equivalent GCSE in maths, I got from a online maths.
That’s great. How about studying for another qualification?
Studying on your own shows huge commitment, any future employer would recognise that.