Hi All. I am the primary carer for my 84 year old mother. Since losing dad 3 years ago mom has pretty much given up. She became so frail that last year she has a fall which resulted in a 6 week hospital stay. On release mom was to be rehabilitated to use a zimmer frame , improve her diet and become independent. Due to lack of communication between doctors, OT’s , social care and carers mom has become bedridden. I am an only one, 56 years old with a full time job as a college lecturer. My 2 children are adult and don’t contact me. My partner is very supportive but doesn’t live with me.
This is the first time I have admitted to myself how bloody hard I’m finding life at the moment-even saying this makes me feel guilty!
Russell, welcome to the forum.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty for.
Mum is paying the price of living a very long life, unlike my husband who died suddenly at 58.
It is time to focus on what mum NEEDS as opposed to wants.
You have to balance her needs with the other roles in your life, as a lecturer, parent, and partner.
You mention carers.
How many hours per day does mum have? Is it enough?
Is mum mentally alert, or showing signs of dementia.
Does she own or rent her home?
Do you live with her, or somewhere else.
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Most important of all, what would you like to happen now?
Mom has 4 care visits a day. Mainly to change her pad etc Mom has no sign of dementia but she does have mood swings which can result in her being confrontational. Mom has a habit of regularly changing her mind. I had booked a solicitor for the power of attorney with her consent, then she changed her mind. She owns her own house and has no savings of value.
4 visits a day is usually the maximum amount of care Social Services will provide.
As she owns her house, if she moved into residential care, she would be expected to sell the house to pay for care, however as she has no significant savings, whilst she is at home, Social Services will pay for some or all of her care.
Is it an easy house to look after, streamlined, with dishwasher, and tumble dryer to manage the inevitable washing?
Domestic help?
Easy garden to maintain?
What would you like most help with?
I need help coordinating between the teams that are meant to be supporting mom. I’m struggling to cope with going home every night not knowing how mom is, if she’s eaten etc
Have you told Social Services this is an essential part of the care plan?
When was the plan reviewed last?
You don’t need a solicitor for POA
you can do it yourself with the forms from the Gov website.
You just need a witness for the form
Do it for both - financial and for health and welfare
Don’t fill in the section for people to be informed it isn’t required and makes it take longer to process.
Download the forms now and get them completed pending signatures and witness.
The costs are on a sliding scale if someone is on benefits.
Plus points to tell your mother, it allows you do her banking for her and to handle her care for her rather than the Gvt i.e social services taking over, this will allow you to look after her best interests.
Hi Russell, I’m new to this group too. Quite different situation as I’m 25 and caring for a parent needing mental health support, but just wanted to show some solidarity about the guilt. Guilt is something I’ve really struggled with and I even disregarded coming to a forum like this when suggested, as I feel guilty for reaching out. Admitting it openly has been hard for me too, I often downplay how difficult it is as I think I do have lots of other things to be grateful for, but I’m starting to realise my feelings are still valid, good or bad. Welcome to the group and hopefully we will find some helpful support 