Hitting the wall

Before I was a carer -I had a history of anxiety and agoraphobia

so dealing with my mum and having to travel even though someone was driving me was tough really tough it kicked off in July when mums health level went down a lot – she has Dementia but is calm…

My mind and health have gone down since mum was in the care home only now just over one month locally

She May not even be allowed to stay there unless her health goes way down in which case they may then resonsider the CHC nhs funding which she did not get

I actually feel unwell and not up to dealing with it all, so we will see

I wonder someone said on here you can be really tired after you stop being directly the carer in the home? I think all the time you are doing it you are just not thinking enough about your own well being?

Did any of you hit the wall when your loved one went into a care home?

it is also not helping me tha t cannot visit my mum due to the anxiety and the body symptoms yes have contacted docotr

and got a prescription however concerned about side effects and being on my own :frowning: if anything happens.

God its a real nightmare I hope I can come out of this as a sane person…I am numb in my mind so I have oncly cried once…

How can I find support maybe in my own town? are their local carer support groups too?

Thanks in advance :slight_smile:

Please phone the Carers UK helpline to discuss your concerns and issues with your mothers care.

Carers UK information and support
Our telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (advice@carersuk.org)

Caring is a mix of many states of oneself, from the positive to the negative.
There are the unexpected issues, the waiting, not knowing and all manner of things you go through with them and for them.

It is unique to the carers personality type, their relationship with their caree and their caree’s condition.
There is no one-size-fits all type of person or feelings for carers, the only common denominator is that we all have human responses to it.

Here with my mother there is never a dull moment!

I hope things sort out soon and you regain your equilibrium.

Welcome to the forum.

YES, this is absolutely normal! I call it the Cliff of Tiredness, you just want to rest and sleep, and sleep, and sleep some more. It’s a bit like a bereavement too, grief can be so tiring. Of course the changing of the clocks doesn’t help either.

I’ve now lost all four parents, husband, brother, and sister in law. Each one was different, but obviously husband was by far the worst, a sudden death.

Mum spent her last year in a care home, too frail to live at home any more, one day she’d seem near death, next day chatty as usual, so confusing. Then she had a series of mini strokes, and that was hard for both of us as her sight and hearing went, no more reading or watching TV.

Early nights, late mornings, long hot soaks in the bath all help. If you can afford it, have your hair washed and blow dried, a massage, a manicure, anything that helps you realise you don’t have to be constantly ready to jump. Try to be very aware of how you are feeling when you go to bed, and when you wake up. Keeping a diary of sorts is a very good idea, then you can see how things are going over a period of time.

Were you living with mum? Are you able to stay where you were? Finances sorted?

I’ve not (yet) been in that position, Ms Anne. But I’ve worked with carers for a long time, and I’ve seen what happens to carers when the caring stops. And yes, it’s very like hitting a wall. Partly it’s because of a sudden change in routine. Partly it’s because it’s a major change to your life. And partly it’s because all those little niggles with your health that you’ve ignored for however long suddenly leap up and clamour for your attention.

Caring is not for sissies, is it?

Absolutely Charles and definitely not for sissies!

Ms Anne the numbness is a normal response for some.

Glad you have seen the GP and have support from them.
I don’t really know anything about aggaraphobia, I am guessing you have coping mechanisms that you can use to try to help you with them and for your anxieties and have had support for them.

So I don’t think there is anything I can say of useful help other than do your best to try them and to take things one issue at a time and start with little wins if you can.

I am still living in the home mum is waiting for a permanent placement - I am over 60 and have lived here for a long time and of course am hoping I don’t come up against any issues of staying here- there is a disregard mandatory for this situation as I am daughter and so close relative. I have had many early nights, but my own mind does not help me I tend to think of all the worst case scenarios…the shock has been too much for me as my mother is / was my best friend and we were very close - she is not deceased though at this time, she is calm and has dementia -but as time goes by we know our loved ones do become more ill and frail. I have no one who is able to bring gentle support in, and often I do not feel well enough as in the energy to talk, don’t really want to go over things as it re traumatises me, no fund being a very sensitive type!! I don’t feel so much tired just emotionally exhausted – and have lost weight and generally the docs cannot do much in terms of meds – the NHS is running down and don’t feel up to sitting in Docs surgery at the moment. thanks for your reply

Sorry to all the people that replied to my HITTING THE WALL

I cannot seem to find a way to reply to each person

anyway no caring is not for SISSIES and I think that I was not giving myself enough care —and probably trying too hard to be a good carer —mum said she thought I did good for her

So its very tough being on your own completley --just losing the presence of that loved person is bad enough

It is goinig to be hard as I still have to deal with the Authorities and just doing that wipes me out…

I am doing holistic stuff --but you do not magically come up from this level of stress…

thanks for all of your answers appreciate your input and feedback :slight_smile:

Hi Ms Anne

Would it be helpful to have a telephone conversation as a live two-way chat? I think you might find that beneficial.
There is a freephone for the Silverline for help and discussion about your thoughts and feelings, it is set up by Esther Rantzen who set up Childline.
Have a look at their link.

Please do try the Carers UK helpline as below on Monday for advice and local care group.

Carers UK information and support
Our telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (advice@carersuk.org)

No worries you don’t need to reply to each one individually you can respond as you are doing.
You have a lot to deal with and process.

You are not alone, you are here. There are also other sites that could be helpful to you, dementia forum, the Silverline as posted above and Age UK, have a look around them all take what you need from each one, they are all there to help whoever needs whatever from them.

Authorities - take it one task at a time, you will get there - congratulate yourself on each one, pat yourself on the back to make it positive. Have belief in yourself and confidence.

It’s a double whammy for you because your role is at an abrupt end at the moment, it’s gone into a void and your best friend and confidante and companion is not there, that is a lot to process.

Be your own best friend and cheerleader - your mum said you are a good carer - that is a massive accolade from your mum, how great is that?

Be kind to yourself, you have done so much for your mother and now you need to do things for you too.

Treat yourself, get your favourite jumper on and have hot drink in your favourite mug, treat yourself to a biscuit and think of nice things, nice memories and plan your favourite lunch or tea to look forward to - or whatever simple things to do something nice for yourself.
Play some music - dance or sing or both.
Do some simple nice things like these for yourself that feel good to do.

It’s a bit like the Secret Garden, that wall that you have hit has a door to a new, different life.

I was widowed in 2006, then disabled in a car crash 3 months later.
Until this happened to me I could never understand why the Victorians wore black mourning dress for a year.
Now I know only too well.

There are no quick fixes, emotional trauma takes a long, long time to recover from. It’s very much a case of taking baby steps forward.

Caring non stop for years means we have given a lot of ourselves to our loved one, and given up more.
It’s only when you stop that you realise that the “old” pre caring you doesn’t seem to exist any more.
You are older, and you have changed. Everything else has changed a bit too.
Even your reflection in the mirror may have changed.

For ages, I had the feelings of “I don’t know who I am any more” and “what am I supposed to do now?”
I just wanted to do “the right thing” but what was that??
It’s OK to feel like this.

By chance, I came across a book called “Starting Again” by Sarah Litvinoff.
Written primarily for divorcees but lots of it is applicable to anyone at a crossroads in their live.
Best of all, it’s written in a very friendly way, you can read just a page or two at a time.
I kept it by my bedside for a long time.

Bit by bit I found that the “old” me hadn’t disappeared, but was still there, just waiting to be let out again.
I’ve now lost all four parents, brother, and sister in law. I’m still a carer, now just caring for my brain damaged son, part time.
I have learned to live a new life.
During the transition phase my biggest problem was lack of sleep. My GP prescribed Amitryptilene, I didn’t want pills, but my body was desperate for sleep. I had it for a couple of years at a very low dose, and the cut the pills in half, then a quarter.
If I couldn’t sleep, they helped me relax, no more accounting at 3 am!

I started to take care of myself again, now I’m often mistaken for being my son’s sister, not mother!!
Regular hairdresser and beautician visits are an investment in myself, now i have more time.

Find something that gives you some pleasure every day. For me, that’s usually something garden related.
Then think of something you want to do tomorrow. Even just a short walk is fine.
For years I had wanted to learn how to sew invisible zips into dresses, really well, so I went on a weekend course.
Driving to Midhurst on my own was such a big deal, but I enjoyed the course and the company of others that liked sewing.

These were all ideas that came from reading the book. I hope you find something that helps you too.

You might find having the radio on in the kitchen helps, mix it up with music and talking stations and some chat shows to answer back to! Try radio 4, they have some great dramatisations too.
No radio? get the station app on your smart phone and play it through your phone.

Also at night if you have a lamp and a timer switch for bedroom and living room, have them timed for the living room light to go off at bedtime and the bedroom one to switch on.
If you have a radio alarm clock, hit the sleep button for it to play as you do your bedtime routine.

If you have trouble getting off to sleep challenge yourself to be asleep before the radio switches off - or if you don’t have an alarm radio with sleep function - put glow in the dark stars on your ceiling or wardrobe door/wherever if you can’t get up that high and see if you can count them all or fall asleep before they fade or think about being an astronaut landing on a new planet.

Different routines.

For me, I’ve learned that by going to my bedroom about 8.30 and sewing or watching TV until midnight, I sleep better after midnight. I have a Sky box with things like Michael Portillo’s railway journeys:,or Digging Up Britain interesting but easy to fall asleep with. Definitely not a Whodunnit. Being aware of the mood I’m in is important. If I’m not in the mood to sleep I just concentrate on relaxing.