I am a nurse who has cared for my 90 year old mother in her own home setting.She was diagnosed in 2008 with MND and her health has slowly declined .Last 5 years she has been hoisted and chair bound .In 2024 she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s .I have had carers four times a day and the family input has consisted of myself , sister and brief visit from my niece.She has lived on her own but recently overnight she has rolled onto the floor requiring hospital admission which has led onto Nursing home placement.I initially thought that Inwould feel relieved that she was receiving 24hour care but it is making me feel unwell that this decision has been made.My question is will I ever feel better regarding this outcome ?
2 Likes
Welcome to the community. I think you have made exactly the right choice. You have done amazingly but this is the best place for her care now.
2 Likes
You have done your best for 17 years. That’s enough. Think of all the things you would have loved to have done if things were different. It’s time for you to enjoy your retirement before it’s too late.
2 Likes
It’s so hard not to feel guilty I did when Mum went into respite ? staying on. She didn’t as would not socialise. So she came home and I knew everything would go back to me doing all the things for her. Got carers x 4 but that wasn’t company enough for her. I have boundaries now as to when I go and how much I will do. Only child. While she was I respite I felt I would be relaxed and not guilty. I was for days and days. However I found meditation for anxiety on Audible and listened to that or audio books and it did help. But as it’s been a long time caring it will take time. You definitely did the right thing she was unsafe at home and that’s when broken bones happens and all other sorts of problems which would just have ended in the same result but lots of pain for her and even more guilt for you
Take care big hugs
3 Likes
@Mandarin20 You absolutely have made the right decision- albeit a tough one. You will find time to recharge and realise that your life is as important as your Mum’s. My Mum went into care in February as I had given all I had to give.She is classed as medically non compliant, so everything I put in place for her to stay at home was soundly rejected and we lurched from crisis to crisis.In the end she was told to go in to a Care Home by a very helpful GP, who could see I was becoming ill myself by trying and failing to make her happy.
I haven’t seen her for six weeks now, as was told to stay away by the care home and am about to go on a month’s holiday to Canada, something I have never been able to do. Mum is safe, fed, medicated and has company 24/7. She still resents me, but I am learning, through therapy, to find myself again. I send you strength and hugs, 
1 Like
You have made the right decision. I do understand your ambivalence but the bottom line is that even with the support you had in place, there was no 24/7 support which is what she now needs. You did so very very well to keep her at home for 17 years and I am sure this came at huge cost to your own wellbeing. It is bound to be a HUGE adjustment for you as I bet your life revolved totally around your mother? Start thinking about the time YOU have for the things that you enjoy. It honestly sounds as if your mother was a danger to herself and was not safe at home. Please take care of yourself as I can imagine it is a very stressful time for you right now.
2 Likes
Hi @Mandarin20
Welcome to the forum.
you and your sister did an amazing job supporting your Mum all those years. The dementia however has clinched it. It’s sadly unsafe for her to be home alone and even if she had 24/7 carers from CHC funding at home, she’d be unable to direct her own care.
Imagine you were reading your post with your nurse’s hat on - what would you say to the family? Wouldn’t you say she now needs the support & nursing care from a team of people.
A wise person on the forum said, swap the word guilt for sad. You are sad she now needs a nursing home.
2 Likes