I’m 71 have parents aged 97 and 99 living independently. Trauma in childhood so find caring very difficult
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Welcome to the forum. That’s a lot to have to handle for you. Hope this forum is of help for you.
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Welcome to the forum. I’m part time carer for my Mum who is also 99 and is also living independenty. Even part time it’s not easy as she is blind, going deaf and has cognitive decline. How’s things for you?
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Welcome to the forum. It’s so hard for you. I’m 66 and found out mum is a covert narcassist and what I thought was a good childhood and adult relationship wasn’t. My body gave up trying to please her and had a breakdown last June. I’m only remote contact now. For you with the history in the past it must be so difficult it’s hard when you have had a good relationship You need to remember you need your own life. This is a great place to get support and advice no criticism.
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It is so difficult because time spent with parents can just trigger childhood difficulties. In some ways it explains to me why I feel as I do but that increases my distress. Parents don’t believe in openness and all my life anything unpleasant never happened.
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Welcome to the forum. My husband and I cared for all four poorly parents all close to us, so they’d refuse help that they were offered saying we would do it, without asking us!
Are your parents getting mentally frail?
Do you have Power of Attorney for them?
Are they both getting Attendance Allowance?
Do they own or rent their house?
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
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@Silver_fern welcome to the forum , that’s a lot to deal with. Have you asked your doctor he refer you to a counsellor someone you can talk things through with to off load all your feeling. That may help you. Take care
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Thanks for your responses. I’m really struggling to know what to say/do, but appreciate your acknowledgement. Will write again when I feel a bit calmer
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Try to make a list then shuffle it into order of priority. It can be whatever you want it to be.
The things you are most desperate for, or worried about, future funding, or tire you most.
For me, at one stage, it was constantly being on the go, everyone else wanting a piece of me, with an enormous list of jobs and not enough hours in the day, and feeling guilty. Counselling for me was life changing. Helping ME put myself first for once and managing everyone else’s expectations.
You might find it easier to share whatever is bugging you most, by asking forum members “How did you deal with …”
It’s a bit like reading Bringing up Baby books. Ten different experts with ten different ideas, I went with whatever sounded best for me.
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How do people cope when they just don’t feel heard. At 71 I have my own ongoing chronic health problems. My parents sympathise but won’t make changes which I say will help me I’m so very tired
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@Silver_fern hiya.what are they changes you would like to make and have you any idea why they won’t make them.
Ring the doctors ask to speak to a counsellor say you cannot cope anymore and need someone to talk to discuss things with.
Just getting a little extra help so I know there day to day needs are catered for if I can’t shop for them. They don’t want people they don’t know coming in. Having to give them their cheque card and paying £25 or more for someone to get them read/milk which they often run out of and for some reason refuse to keep in stock
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@Silver_fern you need to turn it back round onto them. Say I cannot do all this on my own anymore I have my own health problem and I sympathise with you but you will have to find some extra help. You can get special cards from the bank for carers that can only be drawn out up to a limit
. You say to them you have 2 options you either ring social services and you pay someone to do your shopping when I cannot do it. Or you keep extra bread in the freezer and milk in the fridge you can get long life milk that has long date on until it is open and anything else they run out of will have to have stock of. Say that is your options so you decide which option you want .Would that help. Any other little extra things your struggling with.
I would also the other thing I wrote .
@Silver_fern another thing I just thought about is there a milkman that delivers milk in your mum and dads area that could deliver milk and sometimes they have other things on the float or if not could put bread in freezer. I know there are probably not many about. One comes down my road
Thank you so much for responding. All the things you say are sensible and I’ve tried them all. My mum gets really defensive, tells me how she wants to be dead, is sorry they’re such a burden and so on and so forth so that I end up feeling really guilty.She can also, at times, say quite hurtful things to me. Dad is very passive, never supports me. All his needs are met by mum and so in his own way he is quite content, although adamant he won’t consider care .
Sorry if I seem really negative but whatever I try comes back on me tenfold. I do appreciate being able to write it down and your suggestions.
@Silver_fern can you when you do the shopping just get extra milk put it in the fridge ,get extra bread and put it in the freezer just do it off your own accord. And if there is a milkman why are they not having the milkman deliver the milk there is nothing wrong with having the milk man deliver the milk that’s nothing to do with care that’s a service. The only other thing I can think of is ring the doctors and ask to speak to a counsellor tell them that you cannot deal with this situation anymore it’s to much if they are not willing to help you.
Thanks I may do that.
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@Silver_fern personally that’s what I would do buy extra milk you can get long life in cartons that lasts longer until it is open by extra bread put it in the freezer. Anything else they normally run out of buy two. If she says anything just say that’s the only way to do it . Don’t argue if she’s hurtful just ignore eventually she will get used to it .and ring doctors for someone to talk to they can go through everything you have been through in life. And you can still come on here to for help and advice.
I’ve met that one too. Even when I was disabled in a car accident, virtually unable to walk, waiting for 2 knee replacements, my mum “saved” jobs for me, although she had carers, I didn’t. My “last straw” was when she started going on about dad dying early when he was 78. Completely ignoring the fact that I too was a widow, my husband was just 58 when he died. I told mum never EVER say that to me again, and left her home in floods of tears. I think that day showed me that nothing I ever said or did was going to be enough. I was running a business, selling off the 30 tons of lorry spares my husand had for his business, my only way to earn a living. Mum had a cushy Civil Servant’s widows pension as dad worked for the MoD. I also had a son with severe learing difficulties who didn’t live with me but had just moved home. You have to draw the line somewhere. Your parents will always see you as younger, fitter, stronger than them. You have a right to your own life, you don’t always have to do what they want! Counselling for me was invaluable in managing mum’s expectations. Finally funded after I had a Carers Assessment.
@Silver_fern gosh, I’m reading your posts thinking that you could be talking about my relationship with my Mum early last year. One time, she told me I never did anything for her and never wanted to see me again. So very hurtful. She too would not accept help from anyone except me and my SIL (who stays with her a few days twice a year). Whatever, I suggested to help her, it would be no. Carers were only allowed to come in because social services insisted on it to empty her commode.
More than a year on, things are so much better. A lot of the reason for this, is that I just accept that if Mum doesn’t want to do something then so be it. You can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink, and by just accepting this my frustration levels reduced. If she makes a decision which I don’t think is the right one, so be it. Of course, if it’s something that really needs addressing then I fight that battle. So on the milk and bread situation, let them get low on supplies. Make sure they have money to give to the carers to buy what they need. If the carers won’t take cash, then set up a payment card. Your parents need to know they can’t take you for granted. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy to do, and you will feel guilty. However, you are burning yourself out (as I did) and need to look after yourself.
The other thing I learnt was that I need to do things I enjoy. For me it’s walking, horse riding, gardening and a fitness and meditation class. That way my brain switches off and I feel I have a life. Normally, I see Mum twice weekly for the day. Sometimes, when I feel I’m getting overtired (like now) I take a day off seeing Mum. She doesn’t like it, but I’ve told her I need a life.
I think it’s what others say on here, all about setting boundaries. It’s so difficult. Our parents are used to being our caregivers, and now the scales have shifted and it’s the other way round. They are proud and don’t want help, but increasingly need it. Mum still won’t have others come to see her, despite being lonely, nor will she go to a home or for a day at a centre. That’s her choice, she has to accept her loneliness, I can only do so much. I don’t feel guilty these days.
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