I have just joined and want to talk about caring after my elderly mother . Some days i just don’t have the patience and i feel that i am trapped
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There are lots of current and former carers on our forum in this situation, including me.
Tell us a bit more about your rough ages, living arrangements and mum’s health challenges and I hope we can help. Is mum disabled or just very needy?
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Mum is 89 and she is sound mind but her mobility is poor she needs a zimmer frame to get around the house. She needs a wheelchair when we are outside. I have always cared for her and I have siblings who don’t really help with mum. I have to ask for help they never offer it just gets me feeling resentful and sad.i am 54 mum lives with myself and my husband .
@Diamond1 …..welcome to the forum from me. I used to be a carer but aren’t anymore. Hopefully you’ll find this forum a great place to chat to others who are going or have been through similar.
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Sadly I had the same problem with my siblings, always “too busy” to help. However mum was so fed up she changed her will, in my favour. Does mum claim Attendance Allowance? Give you most of her pension to contribute to household expenses? Then you can run a dishwasher, a tumble dryer, etc.
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Being a carer is a lonely and sometimes difficult job. I’ve been a carer (until recently) for 30+yrs. I too have days where frustration overwhelms you. I’m feeling a lot of frustration right now because my mum had a stroke over 6 months ago. It’s frustrating me in the fact that I can’t do nothing to help her. But, I’m not giving up. That is what you should say top yourself everyday, even when you want to vent. Using websites like this is a good way to vent. Also, talk to people who you are close to (friends and/or family). If you need other advice regarding your situation try Citizen’s Advice. They can advise you on what help you need. Hope this helps.
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Thank you for the lovely words its just nice to talk
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@Diamond1 Welcome from me too. It is very lonely and isolating. I care for my medically non compliant husband and have been doing so since 2013. I am PRAYING it will come to an end soon as out of compassion and only do it so I can keep my home. Let us know more about what is the most difficult and maybe we can make suggestions? No magic want but a lot of compassion.
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Agreed. @Diamond1 nothing wrong with venting. Also try Samaritans.org.
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Thank you for your lovely words . Some days are easier than others . My sister has recently started to do more .
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Have you had a Carers Assessment, and mum, a Needs Assessment?
To help you in your caring role, what would you like most? Practical help with housework, or a dishwasher, tumble dryer? (I call them my “Mechanical Slaves”.
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As a very close family many years ago . I moved house a few years ago with my husband we lived with mum at the time . She was reluctant to move house as it was the family home . My husband and i bought the family home and we wanted to move 4 years ago . Mum came round to the idea we bought a dormer bungalow which suited mums needs . It was a perfect home for us .unfortunately my family wasn’t very happy for us to leave but it was our choice as we never had our own home together We live nearer to my older sister and my nieces and my older brother’s. mum has had a few health scares over the past few years mum is 89 years young . I have been caring for mum a long time The family seem to just rally round when mum is poorly or not herself. My sister is retired now . My brothers have never helped out with mum . If i have plans to do something with my husband i have started to ask my sister off late as i need to have my life too . I am very lucky to have my elderly mother but i just get frustrated that the rest of the family don’t help out . I would have to ask no one never offers . When they do visit i feel very let down by them . Going back to once we were all close .but that has changed totally . Sorry for the long rant .
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How old are you and your husband?
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@Diamond1, being a full time carer can sometimes test you to the limit. Until recently, I was a carer for 30+yrs (I started when I was 11yrs). It also can be stressful when you have little to no help, that is when you get that “trapped” feeling. If you do feel trapped, talk to family and friends. Do you have family who live near you? Get some of them to help you out, give you a little respite. Also, use this forum to blow off steam, Samaritans.org is another place you can try.
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I do have family near by . I will start asking for support from the family as i am burning out some days as i only work part time .but i don’t get offered this is the frustration i have . I am getting so much support from this group. Thank you
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@Diamond1 , no problem. I hope you have more success than I.
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Thank you for your support and advice . We all need to look after ourselves aswell .
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Thanks for the information about your ages. When I was 50, my husband 54, we thought we were fit as fleas, walking almost every evening in the New Forest, where we lived. Life was good (apart from 4 elderly parents nearby). At 52 I was diagnosed with cancer, major surgery followed. When I was 54, I found my husband dead in bed. 3 months later I was disabled in a car accident. For years we used to say “one day when we are free again” but they never happened. Parents have no right to demand all our free time. If they need extra help as they have lived a long life, then they are lucky and should accept outside help gracefully. Don’t waste your last fit years. Insist on going on holiday, going out for the day, before it’s too late.
Im so sorry for your loss .that’s so sad you have been through so much . You just don’t know what is around the corner.thank you for your lovely words .
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Our parents kept telling people offering help that they didn’t need it as we lived nearby. Completely ignoring the fact that we were both working from home (at times I was printing at 1am to meet deadlines!) we had a brain damaged son, needed to go to shows at weekends to promote our business and sell things, and there was the “other” set of parents. At one time five people entitled to highest disability benefits!! I’ll always believe caring killed my husband. Please make time for yourselves to enjoy life, while you can.
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