First post

Hi everyone/ very first post / caring for 90 year old mum - starting not to cope so well

Hello Michael and welcome to the forum :smiley:

Would you like to tell us a little more about your caring situation ?

We are a friendly crowd with lots of caring experience between us so perhaps if you could tell us what is causing you most ‘trouble’ between us we might be able to come up with some advice / suggestions.

Welcome Michael,

You are in good company here, others will be along soon I am sure.

Would be worth trying to contact CUK before the weekend if you can - - as aside from a helpful service, it will help to have somebody to listen to you on the other end.

Few questions to see if we can be of any help, going off of the information available so forgive me if you have some of this covered, I just want to leave you with as much relevant/condensed information as I can because I respect your likely under much time pressure right this minute.

How are the living arrangements, does mum own her home? (or have other capital above £23000)
This one is particularly important if you have moved in to care for her… as we want to make sure you are ok,
it also gives us some understanding into how possible assistance would be funded for mum.

Have you had a carers assessment before? (within last 12 months) in mums case needs assessment?
If mum was assessed, do you know if they checked her eligibility for continuing healthcare? (check list)
You can use this place - - to figure out who your local authority is and get the numbers for adult social services who can visit you to carry out the carer assessments

Following on from this, is there any other sort of help coming in? Be it relatives, a package of care (agency workers paid either by you/mum or social services etc)

I’m not sure if you work and juggle care or are doing it around the clock, but whatever the case do you know if you are getting underlying entitlements? takes a couple minutes to do and is worthwhile, on top of eligibility for the likes of carers allowance it will cover things like potential council tax reductions/exemptions and adaptions to the home.

I know its alot off the bat, but you sound like you could be experiencing a crisis.

Some additional information regarding your/mums health and the setup at home if you are willing would be insightful and help us point you in the right direction.

Please do check back in when you can so we know you are ok
There are other bits of the forum you can post in too if something catches your attention.

Best wishes and look after yourself please!

Hi Michael,

Welcome to the forum. It’s really sad watching a parent in decline.
What are you struggling with most? Are you getting any help with caring?

Hi Michael and welcome,
I looked after my parents, long distance, for many years but after the death of my dad, Mum moved to a bungalow very close to my home. She was 90 and died just 11 days short of her 100th birthday. That’s a long haul and could possibly be ahead of you too.
Lots of information, suggestions and advice we can give you, (I could write a book on my own) but we need information to go on. Hence all the questions, which are not nosy, but are to build a starting point. You don’t have to answer anything you don’t feel comfortable with. If you want to ask or share something you would prefer not to be on the public forum then PM any member or e-mail the team.
Some firm points; You cannot do this on your own but will need help.
At some stage you will not be able to do it at all without severe detriment to your own health and well -being.
In the light of these do not make any promises like ‘You won’t go into a home or hospital’, or ‘you won’t have to have strangers in the house’.
If Mum asks for such promises then answer, ‘I’ll make sure you are looked after’ or ‘Only when it is really necessary’. Many carers find that placating an anxious elderly parent by promising what they want to hear forges a very heavy chain which they find very hard to break. Instead, it breaks them.