Hi everyone,
I have been caring for my mother since I was 8 (I am now in my mid 20s) and i have been under a lot of stress and strain. I wish to continue looking after my mother but i cannot remain living with her. We’ve been arguing a lot lately and i just need my own space and privacy. Does anyone know of how i can go about finding my own accommodation that is near her, given i have no income of my own and i am still a student. Any help/advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.
J
Hi Jas.
In short … no reddies , no accomodation !
Having said that … SHELTER springs to mind … especially if you are " Homeless. "
Housing Benefit … may be an avenue to explore … strongly recommend balancing the local
Housing Allowance against the rents in the private sector … how big is the gap ???
Housing Benefit … full sp :
Housing Benefit: Eligibility - GOV.UK
Housing Allowance … extract from another posting of mine :
****
SHELTER
What is local housing allowance (LHA)?
Local housing allowance (LHA) is used to work out how much housing benefit you can get if you rent your home from a private landlord.
If you rent from a council or housing association or have a shared ownership home, different rules are used to calculate your housing benefit.
LHA has many of the same rules as housing benefit, but there are some extra rules that limit the amount of help you can get for a private rented home.
LHA is usually paid direct to you rather than to your landlord.
LHA online calculator for the curious amongst you … try it on your manor … then have a look at what’s available to let :
Search for Local Housing Allowance rates by postcode or local authority : DirectGov - LHA Rates
Your LA may be another avenue … apply to be entered on their waiting list for " Suitable accommodation "
… some lists are more than a decade long … one London LA nearer twenty years !
The danger here is making yourself homeless … LA would say " You created the problem and then expect us to solve it ? "
( " On yer bike ! " … ? )
Worst comes to worst . join the thousands of other " Sofa surfers " in the UK.
No income … logical question … where does the monies come from to buy food and other
essentials … ?
Student / Carers Allowance … another victim of the 21 Hour Rule ?
Dear Jas
no child should EVER have to be their parent’s carer - and not even now that you are ‘grown up’. It is a perpetual shame of the state that ANY child carers exist at all.
That said, of course they do exist…
Firstly, can you tell us a little more about what is wrong with your mum, and why she needs care in the first place (or does she only ‘want’ care - they are not the same thing, as many a carer here can testify…)
Is she physically ill (eg, wheelchair user, bed bound, etc?) or is she mentally ill in some way (or both!)
I take it you have no siblings and your dad is not on the scene??
Secondly, of course you should be ‘leaving home’ now - that is true for all young adults, and it is more than true for you after all you’ve done for your mum over the years, eating up your childhood.
Thirdly, are you a full time student at acollege/uni in your own home town, ie, tha is why you have been able to live at home, because your studies are local?
If that is so, then you ‘should’ I believe be eligible for some kind of accommodation loan, ie, on top of your student fees loan (which I assume you had to take out?). don’t be too alarmed at increasing your level of student debt - it’s pretty well understood these days that most students (unless they become City fat cat bankers!) will NEVER repay their student loan - ie, the repaymetns out of eventual salary (if it exceeds the c £20k-ish threshold)(I think it’s around that?) are simply going to form a lifelong ‘tax’ that is ‘worth it’ because your degree/qualification should enable you to get a better paid job than you could get without (what are you studying by the way?)
I appreciate that an accommodation loan may not be very generous (!), and that you may have to ‘top up’ by taking on extra part time jobs (eg, in the vacations, evenigns. weekends) but it should surely allow some hope of being able to pay for student accommodation (I say this because you cannot be the only Uk student whose parents can’t afford to contribute to their children’s student accommodation )(big change from my day - my grant covered all my living expenses!) (not generously, but enough)
Foruthly, of course, even if you do move out successfully, the most ‘difficult’ issue remains which is - if you are no longer ‘at home’ to provide whatever care it is your mum needs, then who will? This is why we need to understand what the situation is with your mum, first of all, in respect of her care needs.
For all the difficulties you face, make no mistake, you should NOT be spending your youth looking after your mum. NO young person should!
Thank you for your responses. Just to give you a bit more info, my mum is a wheelchair user and has mental issues. She relies on me for her daily living needs and has often refused to have carers come in because she just doesn’t like strangers around. I’m studying part time so am not eligible for a hardship fund and I have tried looking for part time work but has caused conflict with my mum and I. I just feel stuck and the more I live with her the more I feel like i’m going mad! I suffer from depression myself and take anti-depressants. I’ve applied for carers’ allowance but have been told I could be waiting 20 weeks for a decision. I am in a limbo, I have no idea what to do or who to turn to. I just know I really need to move out because her condition means she constantly shouts and isn’t satisfied with my help despite me doing things exactly how they’re meant to be done. I hope that made sense. I’m gonna talk to my GP too but any ideas you can offer would be great.
Your welcome Jas.
Finances wise … hardly anything I can add to the initial considerations.
Only too willing to come up with any suggestions should you persue the moving out route.
Hi Jas
Definitely contact Shelter
Also try your college and see if they can be any help, highlight its affecting your studies
Is their any friend or family who could put you up temporarily? That way you could see if a break away is enough
In any case you need to contact Social Services saying you cant care any more
Hello, Jas. One of the difficulties with parent-child relationships is that each party frequently finds it difficult to break out, even if circumstances are good, which they are not in your case. You have every right to be independent with your own income, accommodation, etc. The amount of care that you might choose to give your mother, given these proper circumstances, would be your decision.
I think you need to try to become firmer and less available. Make sure that any part-time job you seek will not interfere with your studies. If you get a good job offer, then damn well take it. Who is your mother to say you can’t have a job? She objects because you would be less available. So that is where you involve carers. She will need to stop making silly excuses like “don’t like strangers” and accept help from them more and you less. Who would be paying for these carers, incidentally?
It is not acceptable that she shouts at you when you are doing your best for her welfare. Be prepared to walk out of these situations. Do your “homework” at the college library; it’s a better environment anyway.
I can’t offer you any quick and easy solution for exit from the “trap” you are currently in, but you can do constructive things to ease the present burden and pave your way to a future. Generally make yourself less available. Good luck with your application for carer’s allowance and with your doctor and Shelter. Do keep in touch!
I totally agree with Denis. I am a Mum myself and I would be horrified if either of my kids had to forgo a job/independence to care for me.
Some excellent suggestions from other people.
I just wanted to add that I am much older than you and found it very hard to stand up to my own Mum and Dad, regarding care. So I do understand how hard it is. But also wanted to offer that my relationship with my Mum is better now she has some external care. She doesn’t always like it (also pulls the stranger card). But it is what had to happen for me to have a life too. I now also have a job and am MUCH happier than when I found the forum. Things CAN work out, but you do have to be brave. Sending big hugs xxx
Hi Jas,
Welcome to the forum.
Can you tell me a bit more about your family situation? Any brothers or sisters? Where is dad?
How old is mum, and why does she need a wheelchair?
What practical help does she NEED (as opposed to wanting a slave!)
What is the layout of your home?
After I had a car accident and couldn’t get upstairs very easily (all OK now thanks to 2 knee replacements) my eldest son moved back in with me. He has the upstairs of the house, and he converted the garage to a lovely cosy bedroom for me, we share the lounge and kitchen, the dining room is now my study.
In the short term, while you are studying, could you bear to stay at home if one part was exclusively yours? So much depends on the layout of your place.
Long term, once you qualify (what are you studying) then you will hopefully get a good job and move out anyhow. However, at that point, mum will have to accept either outside carers, or moving into sheltered accommodation or a nursing home.
So tell us more about mum to start with, and we will offer some possible solutions.