Feeling angry and let down

My 70 year old husband has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimers. Although I sort of suspected it, it still came as an enormous blow to me to hear those dreaded words. So much so that for 2 weeks I simply wanted to drop dead - what is the point in my continuing in this life. I have never been a carer or nurse sort. I like my freedom to go and do whatever I want to do. This was not the deal !

I feel angry and let down. Logical me knows it is not my husbands fault; but emotional me cannot get over this feeling.

Is this something others have felt and faced? How did you get over it?


Hi Janet and welcome to the forum
Oh yes, I remember the feelings you have well. My lovely husband had strokes and vascular dementia along with other issues. Part of me was sort of relieved that we had the diagnosis I suspected, the other parts of me, were anger, grief and heartbreak.
He was 69 when eventually diagnosed but had shown signs for at least 18months before. It’s a tremendous shock for you.
Can you contact the Alzheimer’s association as they will be able to help and advise.
You can get 25% discount on council tax too. You will eventually adjust as much as is possible. Mixed emotions will happen. Try to enjoy,( I know it’s very hard) the good times you can have with him. Also try to get some ’ me time’ it’s important.
Have you family and friends who will support you both?

Thanks for this - at least I know I am not the only one to get these unfair feelings.

We moved back to the UK in Sept 2020 but it was becoming evident some 12 months prior to that that my husband had some increasingly worrying problems. Heart was obvious as he had to go into hospital. Mental health less easy to diagnose. Only when we returned to the UK did the NHS start testing him. Now months later we have the result.

We bought a penthouse in Torquay thinking this would be a forever home - sensible for retirement! However we have no friends or family nearby - 2 hours is the closest. Having lived abroad that didn’t particularly worry us as it was what we were used to.

When I told my two children both said you need to move nearer. My daughter especially wanted us closer to her so she can offer support (bless her). So having only been here 10 months the place is now back on the market and we are searching for the right place to move to be nearer to family and friends. I feel we need to do this before my husband becomes too dependant and even more confused.

Alzheimers Society made contact and offered loads of information - bewildering amounts in fact.

Am pleased to hear you both will have family support.
When my husband was in a nursing home I met and made friends with relatives. 2 I still have regular contact with .Whether the relative was spouse, sibling, parent, each one had the mixed emotions you feel. its a very natural reaction.
Maybe when you feel ready, pick out the most useful information from the Alzheimer’s society. One step at a time is the best way.
My heart goes out to you

I think you are doing the right thing moving nearer your daughter now, especially as you have no friends or family in Torquay. My inlaws lived there for several years and although it’s a lovely spot they never really got to know neighbours as they were all elderly and seldom came outside.

I hope you find somewhere just right for you and your husband and that you also find some kind of support group there for you both. I used to go to one with my late Mum and she really enjoyed it and I got to chat to other carers too …. With nice coffee and cake.

I was widowed when I was 54, my husband 58. Either you die young or start paying the price for older age.
I’ve also been very ill. I try to enjoy every day as if it was my last.