Hi, I just joined this group today because I’m feeling particularly low today and needed to talk to someone who understands. 2 yrs ago my mum passed and my dad who is now nearly 91asked me last yr to move in with him because he was lonely. He is healthy for his age and still takes his bike out and is quite active although he falls asleep alot in fact any time he sits down he nods off. I lived alone with my 17 yr old son who has autism and ocd surrounding hygiene. Moving house was a huge deal for him but he agreed as it was best for his granda. I had a long talk with dad about Nathan’s autism and ocd and explained everything to him and he said he understood and that when I moved in I would run the house and as he put it i would be in charge. Many yrs ago dad had part of his bowel removed and they accidentally removed his sphincter muscle so he has had to wear anal plugs provided by the NHS but a couple of yrs ago they changed the brand as the company stopped making them and the new ones don’t fit him and there are no alternatives so he has to just use pads. I had no idea before I moved in that it was as bad as it is, the bathroom and downstairs toilet had poo on the walls and the floor and all over the toilet seat. Before in my house absolutely noone used our upstairs toilet only my son and if someone did use it I had to clean it right away, the school would ring me to pick him up and bring him home to use the toilet and bring him back again because he wouldn’t use the school toilets so the situation with dad was a nightmare. We have come to an arrangement now where dad only uses the downstairs loo for sitting down and so far that works. When he showers I have to scrub everything before we can use it. He’s a very proud man so it has been very difficult to have these conversations with him needless to say it has been a bumpy ride. I’ve also realised that he likely is autistic because it does run in his side of the family and I’ve now noticed so many traits similar to my son. He doesn’t need to be physically cared for in any way but he can’t be left on his own because he has burnt many a dinner because he has fallen asleep while it’s been cooking before I moved in, I’m responsible for making sure he has his food in every week, cooking his meals and keeping the place clean, in jan I was diagnosed with a large ovarian cyst and 6 weeks ago I ended up in hospital with sepsis, 4 weeks ago I had a full hysterectomy and they removed endometriosis a cyst the size of a large watermelon along with everything else including my cervix, it was open abdominal surgery with a vertical cut and 36 staples so my recovery is ongoing .basically I forgot what hard work dad is, he’s not an easy man, he always has to be in control and he has difficulty accepting his age, he very religious to an extreme, he watches 2 masses a day online and the only other things he watches r the news old war movies and medical programs so all very morbid , he eats the same meals every day, porridge for breakfast, soft boiled eggs and toast for lunch and lamb chops potatoes and veg for dinner, so pots and pans for every meal, he uses the same plates same bowls same egg cups and honestly I’m never done washing them to the point where I’ve started to feel resentful towards inanimate objects. I’m so used to not having another adult living with me and he’s so interfering, and we’ve had many run ins over how things should be done. Not to mention his utter lack of understanding toward my sons autism. We’ve come a long way in the last 10 months but it’s so difficult, I feel like I’ve made such a huge mistake but I’m stuck now and he’s become dependant on me. Also because of his condition and because he’s 90 he has very little control over his bowel movements and he smells like poo all the time and when he sits down on a chair the chair smells like poo, the whole house just smells and no amount of cleaning or air freshener makes a difference, what’s worse is he has no sense of smell so when I try to explain to him he says I’m too sensitive or I’m making it up. Anyway sorry for the long post but I just feel a little burnt out and needed to share.
I was absolutely horrified to read your post. I’ve had major surgery. You are UNFIT TO CARE, you were sent home to rest and recuperate, it will take 6 months at least. Did no one ask about your home situation?? Dad needs to be admitted to residential care, you need your own free Reablement care arranged. I’m not in the UK today but felt I had to write. Don’t muck up your recovery!!
My daughter came and stayed with me the first couple of weeks and did everything but her little girl started back to school so she had to go home, I know it’s not ideal but I’m healing very well and being very careful. Dad own this house and he has his full mental faculties so he won’t go anywhere although I have to say that would have been brilliant if he had just get some peace but it is what it is and so far I haven’t taken any hurt, just mentally, I feel myself resenting him which I’m trying very hard not to do.
@Andrea5032 you are in an awful situation and need to care for yourself. Could you move out or is that not an option? With your son’s autism it must be hellish to cope with both.
If he can’t cope without you then he probably does need to go into a home as you need to look after your own needs.
We moved here 2 days before Xmas last yr and honestly it was the most stressful thing I’ve ever done and for my son it was a huge upheaval, he’s finally settled here now and I wouldn’t put either of us through that again, it will be fine. As I said I’m just having a low day and letting off steam, I’m actually recovering quite well and there’s light at the end of the tunnel, once I’m fully recovered I’ll have more energy to deal with it all. Obviously after having my ovaries removed I’ve gone straight into surgical menopause and the hrt hasn’t kicked in yet so I’d say that’s playing a huge part in my moods
Letting off steam is sometimes all that is needed. My husband is autistic so I know unsettling acts are sometimes not worth the hassle.
My friends swear by hrt so hopefully you will feel better once that kicks in
hugs