@Mark_20031 BIG empathetic hug from me
I hear you. It was clear even from your last post New to the forum - West Yorkshire you’re already doing 72 hours of work in 24 hour time period with your parents and brother dependent on you to coordinate everything.
I know you said you do cycling as your ‘venting’ system - are you able to get out to cycle these days?
I don’t think it will surprise you when I say your heart will continue to get punched and torn up even more as your parents get worse, especially with your dad’s dementia. There will be things that are said they can’t take back, and then they feel guilty, and then get depressed. My Dad did that all the time and we cried together…sometimes that’s all you can do…because it all sucks.
I totally get you feeling lonely sad and guilty. Finding people to talk to helps, …I know you said ‘many don’t want to get involved…’ but I’d challenge that to ask is that you feeling the weight of having to explain everything and hoping they’ll be empathetic vs 'telling you what to do to ‘solve’ it all…?? Any friendship and sharing can feel full of effort and risky when we don’t want loads of unsolicited advice BUT I’d encourage you to reach out…if not to people you already know then to Carers UK Cuppa Care for a Cuppa | Carers UK
Or mobilise - another organisation supporting unpaid carers: https://www.mobiliseonline.co.uk/cuppa
The bit I really hate to say, but is honest truth…you will let your parents and brother down…because it’s just physically and emotionally impossible to make their lives 100% happy. It’s not how life works. Sorry to get all philosophical on you. The reality is we’re perfectly imperfect humans. Human means 24hours in a day and physical and emotional limitations.
SO, the biggest toughest thing is to say ‘NO’…sorry I don’t want to be harsh but to your
the toughest love response I can say is…you have to be around later to actually be able to look back in hindsight!
In the darkest depths of dad’s care I had to say to them that I need to survive them both - it’s NOT guilting them and it’s not being selfish…it’s what (hopefully!) all parents want for their kids…for their kids to outlive them…I’m sorry if that’s really harsh…It’s easy for me to say but horrible to read/hear…
I’m blessed I have amazing parents who weren’t into the whole ‘filial piety’ of chinese culture..(unlike other family members) otherwise I’d be battling cultural concepts like ‘duty to parents’
So yep, I get it and hear you…no solutions, just hoping you get to do more cycling since that’s what’s been working for you.