Elderly parents refusing help

My parents are in their 80’s my mother recently came out of hospital having had a stroke and a heart issue, this was following a succession of falls she had in the home, my step father is determined to “carry on as normal” and has now stopped having the care package put in place by the hospital - I have discussed, chatted, cajoled and been down right honest about how I am not going to become their carer and they should seek some help even just a few hours a week to help or be a companion to mum so step father can go out - I have signed them up to Devon Carers in the hopes they woud look at and access any of the services on offer, but I keep getting told “we are fine” I dont want to and cannot become their career so am feeling rather stressed and frustrated and guilty - any hints or tips from anyone ?

First off, there’s no need to feel guilty. You have a life to live and the right to live it the way you need to.

My wife’s Dad was like this: in his case he wouldn’t accept help because it made him look incapable. He saw himself as a still virile man rather than someone with a serious heart issue that would eventually kill him. And I think he also didn’t want others to know how bad his wife was - because he believed they’d be forced into letting her go into a home. It didn’t matter what anyone said: his views were fixed. And I think that behind some of that was also the issue of not wanting to have to sell the house to pay for their care. The fact that we’d rather they were well looked after than having the house never crossed his mind.

Nothing you can do about it. Except maybe point out that it’s a long winded way to commit suicide. Especially if it’s about the house.

Hi & welcome Ali

This is not an unique situation you find yourself in. I had this with older relatives wanting no help and remain in a home not fit for purpose etc. So I got all the help I could get away with i.e. O/T adaptions, access to hospital transport, meals deliveries, prescription deliveries etc. The area they live in (miles from anywhere no local services) social services do not provide carers. But the care plan assessment reflects their decision to remain where they live and if one or other requires care in the future. Their only option available is a respite care home placement. We as a family live two half hours away. So can not drop everything to accommodate their needs and many of us already have caring responsibilities. And have made our own provisions and live in accommodation fit for our purposes.

You do not have to become a carer. There are loads of services people can have refusal is their choice.

Our parents all grew up during WW2, when they were encouraged to be independent, to manage, make do, not make a fuss.
My mum kept saying “I can manage” when clearly she couldn’t, and by trying to manage she just made things a whole lot worse, especially for me.

Other than a really blunt conversation, along the lines of “I know you don’t want to end up in residential care, but if you don’t buck your ideas up and accept help, that’s where you are going to end up!” there is not a lot more you can do.

I likened it to like living with a volcano, just waiting for it to “blow”.

Dear ali_2202
Hi my name is Kristie and i am an online community host for Carers UK. I am sorry to hear that you are having difficulties with your family relatives and i hope that being on the forum will help you and help you to make the decisions you need to make in relation to your family relatives.
So welcome to the forum! You are not alone in your caring role and i am sure that many on here will understand exactly how you feel and will offer you the support you need. Caring can be very lonely and the pandemic has made caring responsibilities challenging as many carers have been socially restricted and unable to attend social groups etc.
Carers UK are running two online weekly meet ups for carers and you can find the information on how to register at Care For A Cuppa:-Online meetups | Carers UK. The second online weekly meet up is called Share And Learn:-Share and Learn | Carers UK.
Our telephone number is 0808 808 7777 and is open from Monday to Friday between the hours of 9am-6pm and our email address is (advice@carersuk.org).
They provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers:-
-Benefits And Financial Support
-Your Rights As A Carer In The Workplace
-Carers Assessments And How To Get Support In Your Caring Role
-Services Available To Carers And The People You Care For
-How To Complain Effectively And Challenge Decisions
Best Wishes

thank you for taking time to read and give me some comments and advice, I like the volcano example it is indeed waiting for something to explode and then be around to pick up the peices when I know if they had something in place now it would help a great deal, thank you for making me know that i am not alone in this and that it is OK for me to feel this way