80 year old mum refuse anyone’s help only wants me

Hi I’m a 59 year old male who lives with my mother.i been seeing someone 8years on and off. My mum started to understand I need life to.for 2moths I go see my partner and get home for mum before she wakes. My mother started smoking which made her ill and back in hospital.so now she home I’m in 24/7 she refuses carers I have to be with her as not capable looking after herself and no one in family will help her.my partner comes stays with me at night as my mother shown her she don’t want her in our home.when I pulled mum she denied it don’t remember.mum said she would let carer wash and dress her today so I can take her out in wheel chair but as you guess she refused.my partner isn’t happy as eight years she had to stand back and let me get on looking after mum.im at my wits end mum begs me not put her in home and refuses help.my partner has had enough seeing me and my mum as all my mum does sit in her pj on her bed or sleep.so my partner stays in my room and mum moans about her sitting in my room and not with her…my mum won’t help her self if I leave her she puts herself back in hospital not eating and smoke.she lies to nurses she fine and someone with her when I go shopping or out…she is 80 years old and tells nurse she washes and dresses her self …my partner went home this morning as said mum won’t let them dress her so she going to her own home and waste there as driving her crazy sitting in all time and mums moods swing all time I can’t leave mum alone.

Oh Billy sounds really tough.

Remember YOU are important too and you deserve a life. No wonder you and your partner is fed up. No one should have to struggle on caring alone without a break. Like it or not you Mum is going to have to accept more help. There are MANY of us here who also have carees who refuse outside help. We have often reached crisis point when we come here and something has to change.

Has your Mum had a recent needs assessment from social services? Have you had a careers assesment?
Does your Mum get Attendance Allowance?

I have to go out, but will post more later and I am sure others will be along with help and advice soon too.

NEEDS and CARER assessments MAY provide an answer … even if your grandmother thinks otherwise.

Links to both :
The Care Needs Assessment Explained | Age UK

Carer's assessment | Carers UK

Usual health warning … waiting times … a real post code lottery out there … and the traditional holiday season ( For some
lucky enough ) is fast approaching.

Do not delay !

This is only going to get worse and worse until mum dies, I’m afraid.

Only YOU can help yourself, by refusing to do what mum says. At the moment you are like a puppet on a string, and she wants your friend to get so fed up she leaves you, then mum gets you all to herself again.

Have you thought about having counselling, aimed at looking at your relationship with mum and how to control her demands.
No one can be forced to care for someone else.

Sadly, counsellors don’t always help much, as they seem to think it’s easy to suddenly say you won’t do as much for your demanding parent without any reason that the parent would accept. We tried to get community volunteer support to vary the company my mum got and be there to help her when we are away seeing our first grandchild, but she refused point blank to accept any of the offers made and accused us all of bullying her. When you’ve spent your life appeasing someone who can make life quite unpleasant for you if you stand up for yourself, it is really hard to change. sorry not to be more positive, but I really understand and sympathize.

Counselling was life changing for me. The counsellor taught me how to manage mum’s expectations without ever saying No. Maybe find another counsellor?

If you are 59, how old is mum? (I’ll be back later).