Dictatorial hospital social worker

I am having some unpleasant interaction with a hospital social worker

I am an only child, I live in my father’s house (supposed to be temporary but I got stuck here). Tests indicate I have mild Asperger’s autism. I receive Carers Allowance + top-up and thus I have been a ‘carer’ for my father since 2016 and prior to that was a ‘carer’ for my mother, though my father was quite capable at that time so there was little for me to do.

In recent times my now 97 year old father, with moderate vascular dementia, has had a dip in his physical and mental capacity accompanied by a worsening of his double incontinence. He was waking late and skipping lunch time meals and lost a little weight. Specific incidents were:

  • His first fall during a night resulted in a cut head and me taking him to hospital later that day, nothing serious, but someone discussed his incontinence and arranged daily morning wash and dress visits by care workers, which I appreciated.
  • Three days later he dozed off on a kitchen stool (now removed) and fell to the floor, no injury, but I called paramedics who took him to hospital for checks.
  • At the end of that week he received his second Pfizer vaccine (may be relevant?). That weekend he no longer had the physical strength to get out of the bath and with him getting distressed I again called paramedics who again took him to hospital for a check
  • Three days later another fall late evening, which I did not hear, called paramedics again, a check, hot drink but no hospital this time. However the paramedics initiated ‘safeguarding’.

This resulted in a home visit from a Hospital Social Worker. My father had gone to bed for a rest that afternoon so the meeting started with me only. It began cooperatively asking about my and my father’s needs and wishes but then became a dictatorship, ignoring our needs and wishes, and like it or not we were going to get four care visits per day for cooking, washing, medication, plus numerous this and thats which I cannot remember now, so much that our lives would be taken away from us. And my father will have to pay for this. All this before even meeting my father.

Further I was told I cannot go out for the rest of my father’s life without someone in attendance with him - that would cost me an £64 each time I go to a cafe for a badly needed break, to go for a walk or just do the weekly shopping!

When she did meet my father he had to be woken from his sleep, then she immediately decided he needed urgent attention by A&E and dialled 111 claiming he had a high temperature and a leg infection - but he had just come from under the bedclothes, he has had a leg problem for many years and was a bit dazed and confused because he has dementia, was still waking up, is hard of hearing and unclear eyesight; but my words had no value.

The following days I was inundated and bombarded with contacts and phone calls including the Hospital Social Worker, making me feel even more miserable and provoking thoughts of if I am of so little value to society how can I remove myself from it.

Care workers tell me it is unusual for an elderly person to have a family member living in the same house. Other ‘Carers Allowance’ people who don’t live in their elderly parents house are allowed to go out when they like and even go out to work, so why am I being denied the right to do that?

Of course I am concerned for my father and if I do go out I ensure he is a safe as can be and has his falls and pendant alarm. He is still mostly able to look after himself, with monitoring and guidance, and can still walk up and down the stairs.

I am concerned too for my own future, there is a big age difference between me and my father so I have potentially 20 to 30 years of career ahead of me, but these demands being placed upon me are damaging my future, at least before this I was able to dedicate a little time to my studies, but not now.

I fear answering the phone in case it is the weekly call from the Hospital Social Worker, which are intimidating and condescending, asking probing and intrusive questions as if she is in charge of my life now. I feel I am being harassed and bullied and fear they are going to take some action against me.

This treatment of me does not seem right, I do not know what I can do or if I can change it or stop it?
Any thoughts, guidance or advice anyone?


I’ve dealt with many like this. Don’t get mad, get even.
Firstly, check that she is a qualified social worker. Search for “social worker governing body”. The name has changed recently.
Does she put anything in writing? Then it’s an easy search for her name.
Insist that from now on, she does NOT phone you, but emails you instead, so that dad is not disturbed and you can read the emails when free.
Find out the name of her “line manager”. Is she definitely from the hospital, or Social Services?

Keep a diary. Record the name of everyone you talk to, time, and date. Record the outcome of any discussion, what was agreed etc.
Write notes as you go along, so they can see you are making a written record of your own.

Dad is clearly nearing the end of his life, at 97, and you are an incredibly kind daughter to give up so much for the wellbeing of your parents.
My son has learning difficulties, he has an “Oysta” phone, provided by Social Services, if I drop it, it immediately alerts a call centre. Maybe Dad needs one of these, to be kept in his pocket at all times.

When did you last have a Carers Assessment? What did it cover? Regular “me” time for you? A “sitting service” for dad?

Does dad have over £23,000 in savings? That’s the cut off point for Social Services help, roughly.
Does dad own or rent his home?

Dear Recipient
Welcome to the Forum!
You are not alone, we are sure that many on here will understand exactly how you feel and offer support. Caring can be very lonely and the pandemic has made caring responsibility challenging as many carers have been socially restricted and unable to attend social groups etc.
Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for carers and you can find the information on how to register at Care for a Cuppa-Online meetups | Carers UK. There is also Share and Learn: Share and Learn | Carers UK.
Telephone number is 08088087777 and our Email Address is (advice@carersuk.org).
They provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers-
-Benefits And Financial Support
-Your Rights As A Carer In The Workplace
-Carers Assessments And How To Get Support In Your Caring Role
-Services Available To Carers And The People You Care For
-How To Complain Effectively And Challenge Decisions
Best Wishes

Dear Zyg0te
Hi. I hope you got my message when I sent it a few weeks ago. I am just writing to you to ask whether or not you have found the information I gave you beneficial to you. I am doing a follow up message to see how you are and whether anything has changed for you. Please let me know how you are getting on.