Husband in care home

Hi…my husband has dementia with alzheimer’s for some five years now,and I have been caring for him at home.His condition has escalated(too much detail to go into here)and in desperation I contacted social services at the end of June this year.He was assessed at home,and we agreed that my husband would go into a care home initially for two weeks,with a view to it maybe becoming permanent after a month’s stay.So fast forward and I have been contacted by social services to say they need to assess him again in the care home to see if he has “capacity” and hey ho,the social worker says he does,he is adamant he is coming home and has dispalyed none of the symptoms I have outlined to them,in the care home.The social worker says he is living “independently” there,and then proceeds to tell me he needs prompting to get up,to wash,to shower,to shave,to get dressed…then he is taken down for breakfast in the lift,and once he’s eaten he goes back up into his room,he doesn’t socialise or interact at all.The social worker says she has to do what my husband is asking and as such,he needs to come home,with carer’s twice a day and they want to put sensors on the front and back doors because my husband tries to get out,especially if he can’t remember where I am,even if I’m in the shower.This means that in the past I have had to remove the keys and hide them…if I have had to go out that means he’s locked in,which,for safety reasons is a no no.This means that since January this year up until he went into care,I was unable to go out,like anywhere.I didn’t speak to another soul for all those months.I am at the end of my tether because now I am faced with going back to that time again.I have POA,health and welfare,but the social worker says she has deemed that he has capacity and so the decision rests with her as to whether he comes out,and is insisting he comes home.I have a Dr’s appointment tomorrow,to see if he can speak up for me because I am going to have a breakdown at the level I was before.Can this be right what the social worker says?

Hi Rosalyn
Welcome to the forum
My lovely husband had strokes and vascular dementia with other issues. It’s a heartbreaking situation
It’s not for the social worker to assess whether your husband has capacity! It’s a medical team. I advise you seek another opinion from persons who have the experience and knowledge to assess. Obviously very sadly your husband hasn’t the capacity to make sensible decisions.

Hello Rosalyn

This sounds like a really difficult and upsetting situation for you. Have you contacted our helpline yet? They can be contacted on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email ( should you need any advice and support.

I also wanted to highlight some of the options for connecting with fellow carers and for getting support from Carers UK should you need it.

We’re currently running online weekly meet ups for carers to take some time for themselves and chat to other carers. Feel free to join if you’d like to and there’s no pressure to share anything you don’t want to. I’m sure you’ll find others in a similar position to yourself.

You can find information on how to register to our online meetups at the following pages:

Care for a Cuppa: … ne-meetups - the next online meet up is tomorrow (Tuesday 20 July), 11.30-12.30 with further sessions shown in that link. This social is a great way to have a little break if you are able to and spend some quality time talking to people who understand what you are going through right now.

Share and Learn: … e-sessions - these sessions range from creative writing activities to beginners Latin dance sessions.

We would love to see you there
with best wishes

I wish you all the very best. You have all my sympathy. I am trying to care for my much older husband who is deemed to have ‘mental capacity’ despite his lack of self care and medical non compliance. Is it worth contacting a solicitor if you do not get anywhere with the GP? You cannot be responsible for him 24./7 and totally get where you are coming from when you say you are worried about leaving the house as it means locking him in. I guess you just have to pray when/if he is discharged from the care home that he goes downhill and do the very minimum but I do understand that compassion gets in the way. We are being used as ‘cannon fodder’ because of this compassion.