At the breaking point with my mental health

My father has dementia and other medical issues, he is double incontinent and often has falls. Many days he does not know where is, and often asks me when is it time to go home or has a fall due to trying go home. His walking is very bad, in that it is now pretty much non existent, except if we can get him to hold a frame and have at minimum one person holding him up. I mostly just use the wheeled commode to transport him between chair and bed. My dad is in hospital, he has had many visits to A&E over the last couple of years, mostly falls related.

I really believe he needs to be in a care home, and I have told this to social workers, occupational health and anyone who is interested in listening, but am always given this whole line about it not being in my dads interests. We have carers, but they cause him distress anyway, and on days I’m not home I always tend to come home to him having random bruises or cuts and anyway carer visits are just not enough and he needs 24 hour supervision. I have a full time job and currently work from home most days due to the pandemic, I have had to start going into the office a couple days a week due my own mental health and wellbeing and the fact I am just not able to work from home… carers or not, dad doesn’t hold i his messes or falls for there visits I have been refused respite care by social services a few months ago. I never asked to be a carer, but I have been pretty much guilted into it by support services.

The social worker at the hospital talks to my dad without me around, and says it’s because of visiting restrictions, my dad doesn’t give any correct answers and believes he still lives with his wife and children. I have twice told him this is not true. It’s the same social worker we had on a previous visit to the hospital, and he very much mislead me about all the support that was available then, after I said I couldn’t do it anymore. I said to him, out of annoyance and exhaustion yesterday I would not do anymore care until he can guarantee respite care and have it in writing. He refused and said that they NEVER give respite care from the hospital, which I know to not be true. But I knew they won’t do it. I was just annoyed, as it seems social workers will do the very minimum and not what’s in the patient or carers best interest.

Social workers do whatever they can to save their employers money is what happens.

You have to be very firm with them, give them a date, and say that from that date onwards your father’s care is their responsibility, not yours.

No-one can be forced to care for another person, no matter what their relationship.

I have been through a similar situation, it’s awful.

I agree entirely with you dad NEEDS 24/7 residential care.
How to get this as quickly and easily as possible depends on a number of issues.

How old is dad?
Does he own or rent his home?
Is he claiming Attendance Allowance?
Sadly, he is never going to get better, just worse, and now it is time to find a home for him which will be able to manage him, however his illness progresses, until the end of his life.

Have you counted up how many visits to A&E he has had?
How many care visits a day does he have?
Your strongest answer to the hospital is that he has had X admissions within a given time, clearly if his care was well managed by carers, this would not have happened.
(My mum was also in and out of hospital regularly until I told the hospital I would lock her doors and prevent entry. I refused to go to her house and let the hospital bed in, and they couldn’t send her home until she had the bed. The Ward Sister was very angry with me, but I stuck to my guns!!)
There is a possibility that day may qualify for NHS Continuing Healthcare. Free care for life. This is something of a postcode lottery I’m afraid, however you can demand an assessment before he goes anywhere.
Have you told your GP what is going on and how you feel? He has a duty of care to you, and should be writing to the hospital saying you CANNOT care any more for dad.

You have done enough, far too much really, for far too long.

If the hospital are still not listening, use the words UNSAFE DISCHARGE to them. Hospitals can be fined for sending someone home who is readmitted within a month. If that doesn’t work, ask to speak to the hospital CEO. Inevitably you will speak to a PA, say unsafe discharge to them too.

Yes, yes, give them a firm cut off date when you will stop caring…
It may sound cruel but it’s really kinder for him AND you in the long run.
With dementia, it will only get worse and worse as time passes…