Depression and caring

Hi Sue,
I was re reading some replies on here and i missed the last one you wrote to me. I tend to get a bit muddled with how to reply as there seems to be symbols i dont understand as yet.
Still waiting for memory test clinic due to my own depression i often wonder if they have even sent the enquiry off for him to be assessed. Im getting days im so tired i struggle to get up but i do even if bit later.
I went to my therapy session Wednesday got home and John said he had finally been out of house for a walk to the park i was quite surprised but pleased until i looked at our doorbell cam and he hadnt been anywhere, but thinks he has im now wondering if i should go out even let alone away for few days.
I havnt got social worker though we did have 2 come to door as i was reported to them by a cpn i spoke to when i was at rock bottom, i just lost it one evening i was talking to John and he just walked away as always (hes been that way years) and i pulled his cardigan and he toppled over i hadnt realised he was as unbalanced at that point, anyway i told the cpn as i felt terrible what id done as he cut his arm and she said raising a safe guarding might be a blessing in disguise well it hasnt been as they call me 3 weeks later and seemed quite harsh but asked me questions, she said providing john can make himself a sandwich hes fine to leave and go away etc seemed an odd thing to judge things on, he can put a pasty in oven but my Daughter says he might burn house down, shes ever the optimist but she also is mentally unwell.
Im writing a list of things to take to his gp hopefully next week to see if any of the things are a cause for worry, his eye test revealed one healthy eye at least. Hes got an occlusion which hes had eye injections for but made no difference at all i think hes too frail to have anymore.
Anyway i just wanted to get in touch, hows work going? I hope all is well there for you. I kind of miss going to a job now and have thought about maybe applying at Christmas for a temp job but will see how things are at the time. I just need to get out…
Best wishes
Jackie

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Hi Jackie, that’s okay don’t worry. I know what you mean, it took me a while to get used to this website. I understand how worried you are about leaving John but you do need to go out for your own health. I know what you mean about losing it, I finally lost my rag with Phil and pushed him resulting in the social worker putting a concern for welfare in place and moving him to the temp care home. He’s still there now waiting for a permanent place but I don’t think they will hurry to move him as he’s paid for the place himself until the end of June! I had a difficult conversation with him a couple of days ago as he thinks a few weeks apart will make me want him home again!!! I had to explain again that I can’t live with him and that it’s not good for either of us. He still keeps saying he’s been ill and isn’t taking any accountability for his actions or non actions!!! Ironically it’s our 27th wedding anniversary today!!!
I’m dog :dog: sitting our daughters Goldie for a couple of weeks which is great. Just off to walk him now before going to work. I have next week off so looking forward to that.
That’s good that you’re making a list to give to the GP, hopefully there will be some help for you. Even though it’s worrying I think you have to go out and leave him even for a few hours at a time to give yourself some space otherwise your healt will deteriorate.
Try and have a good day and get some time for yourself x

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@Sue24 and @Jackie66 Sending cyber hugs. You would not be surprised to know how close I have come to pushing E at times. The worst was just after he had ruined my 60th Birthday meal by saying he would walk out if a friend came -thankfully she cancelled as she was ill. Then he made my friend and hairdresser cry because she did not know the chemical formula of the bleach she used on my hair. When we got home a friend had sent me flowers. They had lilies in and I have cats so I nipped them round to my neighbours . He left key in door so I could not get back in and my neighbour had to talk him into letting me back. Then he got angry and said ‘stab me stab me - I know you want to’ .Thankfully I had had very little to drink but OMG I am glad we do not guns in the UK the way we have in the USA or I would have been SO tempted.

There was also an incident during the late Queens funeral when my darling cat ironically called Queenie (Reine La Chateau was her pedigree name) was dying - she had been to the vets several times and had been tried on new heart pills a few days before but it was obvious by that day they were not working. Vets closed and he told me to leave and I could come back twice a day on my own to do the cat litter trays. The hatred I felt for him was not red - way beyond that pure white hatred. I obviously did not leave but he crossed a line that day, and any compassion died.

The pressure we are all under makes us crack or come close to cracking at times. @Jackie66 I would totally agree with Sue - for you own mental health you need to get out or you will be more likely to snap. I totally ‘get’ your concerns as husband is a nightmare when he tries to cook and not predictable with regard to timing.

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Thanks Sue i will try and get out more, tomorrow im going to foot clinic with him how exciting eh, i will take him for a cup of tea after. Its not just me then with what i did and i have to say i wish they would put him in some place for a while before i go nuts, i know i dont have it like many on the forum but i havnt been listened to by him for long before this started. I hope your husbands able to stay there then, im new to all this so havnt any experience of care yet. Hes got new glasses this week 2 pairs for distance and reading and they keep going missing, its the little things that irritate me well mostly…
Does your husband get on with the nurses at the home hes at?
Must be lovely looking after the Dog for couple weeks and nice to be able to take her on walks. I hope you enjoy your week off and manage to get out abit too xx

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That is just awful and yes it is lucky we dont have guns. Im sorry to hear about your cat i havnt any pets now but find it so hard to let them go.
I am going to try and take myself out on Sunday for a couple of hours hopefully the weather will be as nice as today. Ive been doing washing, several loads to make most of weather.
As i said to Sue i am inexperienced with care so just dont know what to expect but im going to see his gp next week with my list so fingers crossed i get some help.
I hope your ok…

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@Jackie66 I am fine and I have been trying to care for medically non compliant husband since Jan 2013 officially but unofficially probably a couple of years before that. I am doing what I can to survive, which for me means doing everything I can to keep the cats safe. I do try to get out when I can and have gradually through my Book Club and social group, built up a supportive small group of friends. I often have to compromise by leaving events early as terrified of husband using the electric hob to cook after ‘Smokegate’. Yes I got him an Air Fryer as suggested by friends and posters here but he does not seem able to work it. I have tried to get him to eat at ‘set’ times but he wont and gets nasty. He is now 85 and it takes every ounce of strength I have to keep giving him his medication and prompting. I no longer prompt him constantly to eat or take a bath as it is quite literally banging head against a brick wall.

I hope your GP is helpful. Let us know how you get on. Please do not ‘hold back’ on how this is affecting YOUR Mental Health.

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@Jackie66….hope the visit to the foot clinic goes okay and that you enjoy your cuppa out. I never ever used to stop and get a cuppa, I now do and find I enjoy sitting there for a short while and relaxing.
I don’t know if Phil gets on with the nurses, unfortunately things were very tense before they took him off suddenly and I’ve only been to see him once a couple of weeks ago. I don’t want the social worker to think that by me going to visit him things would be ok if he came home again. That sounds awful but I dread him being sent home again. Hopefully when things have settled a bit I can go and visit him and we can re build some sort of relationship if only for the sake of our daughter. I just know I can’t live with him again.

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@Sue24 I agree with regard to the visiting. Compassion is seen as ‘weakness’ by SS as it all seems to come down to meeting financial targets, rather than what is right for the person and their family. Totally agree you need to establish boundries and not be bullied into having him back.

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@selinakylie…thanks for your kind words. Hope you’re okay.

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I think you have done brilliantly well having carved out some me time for yourself each week. But it’s an exhausting way to live isn’t it, feeling as though we are ‘just surviving’.

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@eastendgirl Thank you. It has been particularly hard recently due to trying to support my mother’s neighbour get help for my mother. I was up at 2.30am. I was due to go to the Fete but husband said he would come with me and I just could not cope with trying to get him bathed and dress - him . It may have been good for him to get bathed and out of the house so I guess I wont get to ‘Good little drudge heaven’. But having to listen to the moans as he tried to walk to the venue and round the Fete was just not an option given my mood today. His legs have given way a couple of times in the house in the week so that would be a worry too. So I have ended up not going. I have a meal out on Wednesday with my Social Group. I have to try and go as I am an Admin and lady organising it is suggesting it for the Xmas Lunch so wants our opinions. But already worrying about being out for 3 or so hours and him trying to cook and leaving ring on . We have the quiz the night before so praying that will wear him out. But yes, living like this is mentally and physically exhausting.

Do YOU get any time for yourself? Thankfully the Quiz Team and the Book Club are ok and in fairness, he is ok at the former although he moans when he gets home. We think he only ‘plays up’ at the Book Club because I chair it but thankfully do not chair the quiz team. It is like living with a ‘senile toddler’ having to keep an eye on them all the time!

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I hope i am replying to you Sue as im still not sure how this site works, i got your message thankyou but underneath there seem to be other replies oops. Im not too good at this. I totally get why you dont want them to think all is fine and hope you can still keep a friendship of sorts with him. Im hoping for similar with John at the moment im just trying my best to keep going. He was ok at foot clinic thanks and it was nice to have a conversation with the chap doing his feet too. Afterwards we went just over the road to a lovely little place a real traditional cafe with white lace tablecloths so very nice, John said he enjoyed it so i felt good about taking him. I do care about him alot but just feel torn sometimes between the unfairness of it all, and dread whats around corner for us. Hes always worked very hard and loved to travel until retirement then he lost his get up and go sadly. I dont know if its due to me wanting the separation and i should have made it official and gone or what but we did stay friends sbd go out for lunch and stuff but i also did my own thing whereas he never did. I just want to try and give him some good days if possible whilst also going to my coffee shop etc.
How are you today, is your week off going well. I hope your weather is better than we are having it looks like its going to pour down at any minute and im out at the fave coffee shop :slight_smile:
Jackie xx

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Hi Jackie, I’m still getting used to the website. Thanks for your message. Glad the trip to the foot clinic went well and you enjoyed your visit to the cafe. I know what you mean when you say you care about John but dread what’s round the corner. I feel I have no choice in the decision I’ve made but hope at the end of it all Phil and I can be friends. It’s difficult at the moment as he doesn’t feel that any of this is his fault and is cross which is understandable.
My week off is going well so far thanks. Did a batch of shepherds pies this morning then took
Buddy out for an hour and a half over the local heathland. It’s been ages since I’ve been over there and I’d forgotten how nice it is though they do have some large cattle grazing and we came across one quite near the path so had to go back. I didn’t fancy trying to walk a one year old untrained dog past it!!!