Dealing with other family members

Does anyone struggle with other family members getting involved when they shouldn’t be.

My mum is continuing to get worse with her behaviours. Shes getting into all sorts of bother with people and getting involved in challenging abusive relationships. She is also extremely terrible with money, and is spending out of control leaving her with nothing by the end of the month.

Lately she’s getting worse, yet she is accusing me of all sorts of behaviour and is telling people about my so called abusive behaviour to her. It’s leaving me in a constant feeling of damned if I do damned if I don’t.

Shes engaging in risky behaviours and always ends up crying. I’ve done all I can for mum and got her a care package and a place for the waiting list for assisted living. I can’t do more.

Yet she tells people I do nothing to help her. People are believing her and I’m getting bullied all the time. I’m getting nasty messages from family members. Ironically who seem to have all the opinions but none of the knowledge.

Also because she is spending all her money, she thinks someone is taking it. That being me. I most definitely do not. I literally only pay her rent on her behalf. (Apparently that is a lie to some family members) social services and the landlord know it’s true. Mums spending habits are crazy, drawing hundreds out a week. No wonder she has nothing left. She’s also spending it on stuff she hoards.

These family members are constantly calling me an effing disgrace and are being really nasty threatening to call the police on me. I also keep getting the classic line “I’d do anything for my mum.” Yes maybe so, but your mum is not someone who has behavioural issues is she. Going to the shops once a week is so much different than having to deal with her and her chaotic behaviours. I have just had it.

Yes. My go to technique is to politely request them to stop. Or I pay virtually no attention to what they say. I sometimes however have had to threaten them by saying I will contact the police.

You know mum has a mental health issue.
You have moved out, and are having nothing more to do with her, as I understand it?
Do you still manage mum’s money in any way?
Is she on benefits?
If so, the council can pay her Housing Benefit directly to the landlord.

Make a note in a diary of who is saying what, where and when to you.
I’d be saying “Where is your evidence?” about mum’s spending, because if you have nothing to do with any of her money, it’s not you spending it.
It would be in order to say “I’m having nothing more to do with her. Rather than complain to me, why don’t you go and give her some practical help yourself?”

It may be that mum has now “lost the plot” to such an extent that she is unfit to manage her money herself.
Consider going back to the social worker, telling her what mum is saying about you, and her own spending. Ask them to consider having a “Best Interests” meeting.

My brothers simply couldn’t be bothered to go and see mum more than every year or two. Then they’d come and tell ME what more I should be doing for her when they had done absolutely nothing for her, not even taken her out for a drive in the car. I know just how deeply you feel hurt.

At the best interests meeting tell the social worker everything. Discuss next steps and so on. Make brief summary notes. Good luck. Mention that you feel your mother now needs to either have a live in carer or live in a nice care home pronto. You are in my prayers.

Yes. I have backed away and only really manage a few things. I can no longer cater to her chaotic lifestyle.

In the words of many “she has capacity” therefore can make her own decisions. On the other hand funny how her capacity changes when it suits others.

Im extremely angry at the family members. However I also know it’s a huge case of systematic expectations. The trouble is all my cousins on my mums side all seem to have mummy issues, as in they are joined at the hip and show complete devotion. Then again knowing mums childhood I know this is not unusual.

Mum is on the waiting list for assisted living now. However I can’t make it any quicker for her. I just know it could happen soon.

The cousin was even bullying my younger sister who is going blind. She was telling her, her disability wasn’t enough to stop her caring, and she should overcome her blindness to care for her. How are these people even considered sane.

Money wise. I have access to her account since I created it shortly after dad died. She needed an account to apply for all the new benefits after a change of circumstances. I can access that account and do so to pay the rent.

She is on UC and PIP.

I used to look after her bank card but after I left nearly a year ago I don’t have it anymore. She is free to that account, but she doesn’t know how to budget nor does she know how to add up more complicated numbers. She is also abit of a hoarder.

She has asked me to look after some money for her. Just a couple of hundred for when she goes into the accommodation.

That is it for financial stuff.
The trouble is she is spending uncontrollably on all matter of things. She has obsessions with collections of things and most buy one of every colour. That is where her money is going.

As for my dad’s inheritance, I was next of kin when he died though people didn’t agree with that. Mum and dad weren’t married. Two years later that money has not been spent. There is a pact attached to it that it will only be used on special occasions or in an emergency. It has not been used

Yes there is no proof I am stealing mums money because I am not. I have only ever made decisions that fall in the best interest.

For your sake, it’s time mum had an account that you had absolutely no access to.
However, if she doesn’t know how to budge or add up more complicated numbers, which I wasn’t aware of, then she definitely should be classed by social services as a “vulnerable adult” and they have a duty of care towards her.

Perhaps you need to talk to a financial advisor. Also ask someone at the bank to assist too. Although disabilities like dyscalculia and dyslexia are “un”protected learning impairments they are still technically moderate cognitive delays. Bear that in mind.

Personally, I’d tell your family to back off if they can’t do anything constructive, by all means to report you to the authorities (they may already have done so and been ignored, tbh) as your conscience is clear, and if they keep calling to harass you, you’ll be reporting them to the police.

Or if they’re calling your mobile, you can always block them. Whatever works for you.

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Block or delete their phone numbers. Make yourself totally unavailable. Do not engage on Facebook etc either. You need to clear your head. Go for walks. Turn off your phone.