Dealing with incontinence and accidents

Good morning everyone hope u are all ok I had a horrendous night last night as had to go to my dads and sort his personal care after he had been the toilet as a daughter I shouldn’t have to deal with that and it’s happened quite a few times now but I felt awful I left his soiled clothes and the toilet for his carers to do I’m not doing that. It’s just hard has anyone else had this experience and if so how do you deal with it xxx


Hi @Nikki_Anne :people_hugging: :people_hugging: :people_hugging: :people_hugging:

It’s a horrible experience having to help a parent in that way. I remember years ago when I had to help Mum onto the loo for the first time - she was in floods of tears and I was trying to be strong for her. Her only problem at the time was lifting herself on and off so it wasn’t as bad as you have had to deal with.

In more recent times Graham, my husband, has suffered with continence issues and changing the bed at 2am then again at 4.30am while he tried to clean himself up in the bathroom is an experience those who do not appreciate what a Carer has to do, need to go through to find out for themselves. Thankfully he is better these days, but still has accidents. He finds it very upsetting and I try to play it down - but then when I am downstairs fumbling to fill the washer and switch it on - still half asleep - I often find the tears flowing before I wipe my eyes and go back upstairs, pasting on a smile as I go.

How often does Dad have carers visit? Could you see if he can be assessed for a ‘sleep-in’ or ‘waking’ carer overnight if this is becoming more frequent?

Try speaking with his - and your - GP as it’s clearly distressing for you and there may be more help which can be put in place.

Don’t bottle it up - scream and shout on here if you find it helps. WE understand.

Recently, G has been forgetting to change his pads when he gets up in the mornings and I am having to remind him which is close to starting to nag - which probably wont help either of us. I need to establish a routine for him with clean pads/continence pants next to his clothes for the day.

Hi nikki Anne as @Chris_22081 says speak to somebody. I find it hard if I got to change either one but I think like I’m a nurse and it my job to do it, it does help me get past some of those awkward times.


  • I do wish we were able to more easily see the progression of each other’s journey’s on the forum more easily…I knew you’d posted before and found this

I hear you, and know exactly how you feel since I was caring for Dad from 2015 to 2020 and with his bladder cancer, and disabilities due to Rheumatoid arthritis there were a LOT of :ocean: :poop: :poop: :ocean: :ocean:
I could go into all the different tips, and points and give you a whole load of scenarios…BUT
from the amount of caring you’ve highlighted and the situation I think you may be at the point of needing a RE-assessment of needs for him.

Can you ask for the reassessment?
If you’re Dad’s parkinson has progressed he may be nearing or in full incontinence - for his sake he needs more safety and support AND YOU need peace of mind before we even start talking about how to deal/manage :poop:

I feel the need to say (from my personal experience) that he needs more care than you can offer, or that more carers can offer…in my humble opinion @Nikki_Anne I’m not a medic nor a healthcare worker

Have you already been discussing or planning for when he’s worse? Sorry!

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You should NOT have to deal with this. Talk to his GP asap.

@Nikki_Anne I agree with @bowlingbun. That said, I’ve had a few experiences…

I was visiting a 94 year-old friend in hospital. He had cancer throughout his body and was basically waiting for death. There were 8 beds in the bay and no staff to be seen when he had a sudden urge, but was in so much pain he couldn’t move. We didn’t have time to be embarrassed about it. That hit later.

Nowadays, and over the last nine years, I’ve had to help my wife who had a spinal cord injury nine years ago. Most of the time she has full control, but every now and then it all goes pear-shaped and out come the gloves and pinny. She’s fiercely independent, so these times are massively upsetting for her. The worst spell we had of it lasted nearly a fortnight, and could happen at any time, day or night. It was exhausting. I won’t say how long it’s been since the last time in case fate is tempted…but it’s been a while, fortunately.

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@Victoria_1806 we are waiting for an assessment from the local authority but must be in a long queue xx

According to the Ombudsman. Assessments should be completed within SIX WEEKS!

@Nikki_Anne - hi actually I was meaning that your GP needs to reassess the medical needs, and from that point trigger more care

and now especially since you’ve been waiting for so long for the authority to assess, you can say in the waiting time, your Dad’s declined and his needs have increased during this delay

I can’t speak to this situation as much as @bowlingbun can
my thoughts are with you, hugs

No one can be forced to care. It’s up to us to choose whether to care, or what level of caring. Just popping in now and then, doing shopping…right up to 24/7. A lot depends on our situation. Mothers care 24/7 for their babies but between birth and death there are many different scenarios. Personally, I always felt that if my very disabled mum needed help in this area, it would be impossible for me to manage. If she had let me fit a new en-suite with wet room maybe she could have stayed home until she died, but she stubbornly refused. As carers it’s up to us to choose. If only there was a 24 hour emergency care service we could call on when there is a crisis, many more people could possibly stay home longer?

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Hi NIkki. I know where you are coming from. I’m a male who has to help Mum with her incontinence issues. It’s just wee wees for now so it’s not too bad. It’s as embarrassing for Mum as it is for me but it needs to be done. I have two sisters - one’s a lazy b**** and the other one is a bit thick/lazy. I wish they would help out but they simply can’t be bothered.

It was worst when it was new and she had wet herself in her bed soaking all the blankets/sheets/duvets/mattress etc.

I hope things get better for you.