We’re developing an animated resource on coping with stress (for carers) and wondered if you have any suggestions for what it should cover? We also have some pointers if you’re struggling with stress:
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/your-health-and-wellbeing/coping-with-guilt-resentment-and-other-difficult-emotions/
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Stress free techniques
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Relaxation techniques, using guided fantasies?
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Try using a diary. Make notes about your day in it.
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Grateful Diary? For me I try to write down the good things in life - my relative good health , my beloved cats and lovely friends. I agree with Thara a diary can help keep things in perspective, and I do sometimes look back at my happy entries when going through a difficult period as a carer.
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Many thanks to you all for these really helpful suggestions!
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Getting out into the fresh air everyday.
Also looking up. (I know that sounds odd, but I read it somewhere and it really makes a difference to mood.) Look up when standing/sitting/walking outside.
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Thank you all for your great ideas for our animated resource on coping with stress. More ideas welcome 
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Try this nice exercise. It is called the five things you see/hear/taste/experience/feel technique and I use it a lot in my life and at work. I have even taught my family the entire method. Take a deep breath and then write down on a piece of paper five things that you see. Alternatively try five things in each category.
Make some brief summary notes as well in order to help you. Best wishes. For example the five things I can see right now are books, a window, a cupboard, a radiator and clothes. You can even take photos and put them up on a whiteboard. They can therefore act as a memory aid. It does work.
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Thara, I do this on walks if I’m too ‘stuck in my thoughts’.
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Thanks for sharing Thara, that’s a lovely exercise
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Another exercise is to list five good and bad things about each day. You can use a notepad etc in order to do this. Breathe in and out. Reflect on what you can see as well. Take notes.
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I’m wracked with guilt and resentment a lot. I thought I was the only one. Thank you I will check this out.
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Good luck. I went for a short walk in order to see flowers and plants at lunchtime. I made notes on what they looked like and took photos. Try this mindfulness technique that is about yourself. Write down five facts about yourself that make other people smile and laugh. For example you can say your personality makes a difference in this world.
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The stress of caring is a whole new level!
It’s important to understand that caring long term is very stressful, and potentially life threatening. My apparently fit and well husband died in his sleep at the age of 58, from a massive heart attack. In the previous years we had been supporting all four parents living very near us, with heart disease, cancer, dementia, arthritis, plus our brain damaged son. We ran our own hobby related business from home, which gave us flexibility, but no work = no income. Sometimes I would work until 1am to catch up if one of our carees had a crisis.
I read an article about stress in a magazine. It said to work out what was stressing you out, and get rid of it, change your job, move, divorce. You can’t just get rid of a parent or child.
Caring has to be a BALANCE between carer and caree. Giving up your whole life to someone else just doesn’t work long term. I wanted to support everyone, but for 16 years I never had a whole child free day. The more I pleaded with Social Services for support, the more I used the complaints process, the more I was ignored. Later, a new social worker told me that I’d been removed altogether from the “need for respite” list as punishment. My son is now 43, he is now not receiving the care he needs now that I’m too unwell to care for him full time. Social Services are deliberately failing to give him the opportunities he is entitled to, in law, because of me. I am trying to accept that he has to have second best because I don’t have the strength and health to take him on holiday any more, but my eldest son is worried that I get so stressed trying to get him what he deserves that I too will die prematurely. He has always supported everyone as much as possible, so now I’m trying to turn a blind eye to all the failures of Social Servives in order to live as long as possible. Every so often I go away for a few days, plus two weeks in Greece every September.- only affordable because mum left me some money. Then I make a determined effort to leave my worries behind and I find the “real” happy go lucky fun me that I used to be. Sadly, I only really live the life I want in just two weeks every year. I’ve always said that a disabled child is a life sentence, for all the family. There were so many things we couldn’t do with our eldest son because our youngest was hyperactive and disabled.
I’m really concerned that any talk about stress doesn’t trivialise it.
There have been times when I so very nearly simply drove away from all my troubles. Only the effect I knew it would have on my husband made me turn the car back towards home.
In theory, none of us can be forced to care.
Any discussion about stress should start with an answer to a question “Can I keep caring/I can’t do this any more”.
Then look at the options available - Social Services block and block and block again requests for help.
My doctor said all he cold do was write a letter to Social Services. That was 4 years ago, telling them they must do something better to help my son because of the impact it was having on my health. (A new care provider was appointed but SSD didn’t tell them of any outstanding issues).
In Western Australia carers have a RIGHT to time off every year. This avoids getting burned out, we need a similar scheme here!
Simply giving us tablets is NOT the answer.
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Maybe we could develop a way or working out if our lives needed rebalancing?
Simple questions we ask ourselves When did I last…
Have a holiday?
Have a day off? (24 hours)?
Have fun?
Go out for a meal?
Get dressed up?
Go to the hairdresser?
Put make up on?
What would others put on the list?
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I totally agree with your sentiments, BB.
I too worry that sometimes it is easy to trivialise carer stress and some advice given ( with the best intentions) can seem dismissive and trite.
As you say, it is common to read advice along the lines of identifying your stress and then removing yourself from it, and keeping
away from sources of stress.
How?? It is impossible to walk away from such situations, at least without causing a new set of stresses!
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My GP sent me to see the Practice Life Coach. He told me to do this that and the other, talking AT me, not to me. He never asked me about my life, my health, or my caring commitments. After 8 operations, a head on smash that nearly killed me, I can’t kneel down, bending over is uncomfortable due to abdominal surgery and I’m riddled with arthritis. I can’t do most of the things that made life so enjoyable once upon a time, and I get tired very easily. Even washing my hands hurts on a bad day. His suggestions were totally inappropriate, completely and utterly demoralising. He might be able to ignore my health, but I can’t! Far from improving things, I don’t think I’ve ever recovered from that conversation. Not one kind word about my caring responsibilities (10 carees in total). Being subjected to this sort of thing because the practice thought it would help created, not relieved stress!
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BB - I’ve found that while there are some brilliant people out there who offer counselling and life coach services, there are some who - if they were cars - would be described as lemons.
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I think these sorts of suggestions help cope with a stressful moment but the problem with caring is the stress is cumulative. Whilst we need short breaks to look forward to and keep us going - proper breaks are needed. However, they are reliant on quality respite that doesn’t create even bigger problems for the caree/carer.
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