BB, what a dreadful experience.
I hope you have managed to find some way of alleviating your situation, and I know others who have been on the receiving end of some really duff advice, usually part of a”script “ rather than advice given as a result of really listening.
I think some “therapists” are themselves overwhelmed when they are faced with intractable situations and they should be braver about saying so. Recognising and voicing how difficult things are for some carers would actually help them and validate their feelings.
I get tired of being told to take “ five minutes to breath” !!! It actually makes me angry and insulted.
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As my son now lives in his own flat with carer support, I can “escape” now and then. In fact to celebrate my birthday I’m going on a Warners break for the first time, at Cricket St. Thomas. It’s really good value, at peak times they don’t do single discounts, but they do at this time of year, or last minute. Nice room, breakfast, dinner and entertainment for about £75 a night. I’m either going to love it or hate it, but at least I’ll have had a break. I’ll take one of my “baby” Elna sewing machines and something to sew, just in case. I’m still having a battle with the council over the care he has though, it’s never ending. Every summer I go to Greece for 2 weeks, one of the friends I’ve made at the hotel is also a carer, so we both understand the love of being almost bone idle for 2 weeks. We just walk, swim, eat, and chat. We live 250 miles apart, meeting in the UK is too difficult, but we often chat with Messenger…Whenever I’m feeling low, I just remind myself where I’ll be swimming later in the year!!
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I think we all need something to look forward to don’t we? I am glad you have a holiday planned BB. I am truly sorry with regard to the Surgery Life Coach.
I think there are good and bad Counselors and Life Coaches. I would personally prefer someone older with a lot of life experience if ever I am able to go down that route. Ideally someone who has had some experience of caring and all the ‘juggling’ it entails. I have several friends now who do understand that if husband needs to phone GP and wait for callback and potential Surgery visit, any plans made, have to be delayed. But one ex friend actually said she envied me being able to ‘read all day’. She had no comprehension that I read so much because I am so trapped and have to be there for my husband most of the time to check he has not left the gas on et al et al…
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BB for me the main thing on my list would be to be able to go out for an evening without having to be home at 7pm - feel like Cinderella not Slenderella at Xmas when the evening event I organised totally took off with far more attending than expected, and I had to leave as dared not stay out too long! Also to socialise without constantly having ‘one eye on the clock’ and to be able to relax. My hairdresser would say that having an appointment when after my highlights and lowlights, she could blow dry and curl my hair rather than missing the latter because I needed to get home.
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Helena, I agree, it would be so much better for you to relax, having a blow dry is lovely, I’ve been known to nearly nod off to sleep! Your husband is so controlling.
Good luck. Find some free but good ways in order to relax. Watch fun movies, go to the theatre, spend some time in the shower. Or meditate, write, pray, nap, drink wine, go shopping etc. One useful technique I used to help me relax was the five things exercise. I wrote down five things I saw and so on. Another method was to spend some time connecting with nature. To do this I sat in the garden with Milo. We had picnics and a lot of fun. You are in my prayers.
Try doing art as well. I used to sit at the kitchen table doing colouring during the first ever nationwide lockdown. More recently I have embraced drawing and painting. All of those techniques helped me during the lockdowns each time. One more thing I used to play cards. We would have family discussions and chats.
Thara, please remember that some of us here are caring 168 hours a week there is NO time to go to movies, shopping etc. I even had to give up the very odd glass of wine because mum lived 6 miles away and I might be needed at a moment’s notice. My wedding anniversary is January 1st, New Year’s Eve I was exhausted after Christmas, and feeling sad that my husband was no longer alive. My son with learning difficulties was home. Unusually, I had a couple of glasses of wine. Then a paid carer rang to say mum needed me immediately as she had bad diarrhoea. I HAD to come. I told her it was impossible, that I would be above the drink drive level, and in any case I never ever drive after drinking any alcohol at all (having been nearly killed in a car accident caused by someone else’s utter stupidity) and I was still caring for my son. This didn’t go down at all with the carer who seemed to think I should forget that I’d been drinking. However, as I live in a rural area losing my licence would be absolutely catastrophic.
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