Coping with an Aspie partner (soon to be husband?)

Hi, I am currently in a 15 year relationship with an aspi (although he refuses to accept that he is on the spectrum) and it is I that is mad ,bad and has terrorised him for all these years , but incidentally has appeared reluctant to leave me when I have insisted sometimes
I have learned to cope with the lack of emotional warmth and communication problems, I have even resigned myself to being I a sexless relationship , I ignore the hurtful comments. And his reluctance to contribute financially to the household, preferring to spend his money and time on vinyl records magazines and electrical gadgets , so WHY have I agreed to marry him ??..being without him feels like sending a child back to the kids home ! My daughter thinks I’m mad and says , although she loves him he will never make me happy and I am wasting my life ? I wish I could just tell him to leave and mean it but why is it so hard ?

Hi Lesley,
Welcome to the forum.

Does he have an official diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome/ being on the autism spectrum?

Does he have a job?

Is he the birth father of your daughter?

Has he ever lived independently, or did he move straight from his parents to living with you?

Does he have family?

From how you describe things, you aren’t in a joint, equal relationship at all and that isn’t grounds for marriage. He is someone you care about and care for, but is that enough? I wouldn’t advice marrying him, whose idea was that?

You have two options for change: work with relationship counselling to try and improve things or end the relationship.


Hmmm, an undiagnosed Aspie who’s workshy and loves collecting vinyl records? Sounds quite a lot like my dad (who my mam has suspected was Aspie since very shortly after I was diagnosed as such, back when I was 10 years old).

What’s actually keeping you with him anyway? You don’t seem to be getting anything out of the relationship, and if you aren’t married yet you aren’t obligated to him in any way (since he isn’t a blood relative).

I’d agree with your daughter (who I presume is from a previous relationship since you mention your current relationship is sexless).


Hi Lesley,
From your post only, and of course it isn’t the full story, my personal impression is that this man is not a partner but another child. (A teenager with ‘attitude at that).
In my personal opinion, a marriage has to have a firm foundation made of building blocks contributed by both partners equally. As time goes by, some of those foundation blocks may crumble a bit, but if they are not there in the beginning you might as well be trying to build on quicksand.
It seems to me that you are his very good friend. You, and your daughter, love him as almost part of the family, but he is extremely ‘needy’ and can’t/won’t contribute as an equal partner or full family member. That’s not going to change.
It’s up to it’s up to you of course. Only you know whether you could settle for being needed, but abused, treated as a convenience by someone who doesn’t fulfil any of your needs, while you fulfil all of his. You deserve better, don’t you? Think it through. Don’t close the ‘escape route’ down by locking the door.