Hello. I am currently caring for my partner who has Asperger syndrome, COPD and Graves disease. I also work full time.
I’m currently going through some health issues myself, related to asthma and also a recurrence of depression and anxiety, largely due to the response of my GP surgery to my health issues.
I spend most of my time listening to my partner tell me about his health issues, over and over, and giving him the same advice until it registers, which is a totally acceptable state of play due to his ASD, however, when I try to discuss my issues with him, he disengaged and starts arguments, telling me I just need to get in with it and that I’m weak and giving into my health. I’m really starting to struggle with this as I am so focused on him and his needs that I don’t really have any support of my own to talk to about these things and I’m just not sure what to do. Literally the only time I get to myself is when he’s asleep.
I know he could do more for himself if he tried, but he has panic attacks as he’s convinced himself he can’t. Even something as simple as taking a plate out to the kitchen and washing it becomes a massive battle.
I guess it just feels like it’s always all about him and if I try to explain this to him, he threatens to report me for abuse against him. On one occasion he actually started hitting himself, so I left the room to diffuse the situation.
I guess I’m just looking for any advice anyone can offer as to how I could approach this or where I could look for support?
Thank you for reading
Hi Tanya,
welcome to the forum.
I think you need to focus on the fact that he is meant to be your partner, just as you are his. Some couples arrive at a carer and caree relationship because of some misfortunate accident or illness or disease. You and your partner do not fall into this category as Aspergers is life long so he must have had it when you met. Was he an equal partner in the past i.e. did he meet your needs as much as you met his?
I don’t think its just you that needs better coping mechanisms - a partnership requires commitment, dedication and work on both sides. Perhaps you need to decide if you want both of you to work at this relationship or if actually, it’s time to think about separating. If you decide its worth working on then your partner needs to agree to this too - and counselling for you both as a couple is the way forward. If you decide actually this relationship is not going to give you what you need too or he refuses, then you need to start planning life without him.
Re the amount of times you have to give him information until it registers - I suggest you write it down for him so he can have it visually, this will help him absorb it and means he can read it to himself as many times as he needs. Many people with Aspergers/autism are visual learners.
It might also help him to understand your point of view if you wrote it down for him. In particular, what you need from him in terms of a relationship.
Melly1