ASD and Finding a relationship please draft a advice please



I’m new to the forum I’ll make my question

I have Soical anxiety, I don’t social a lot outdoors however I’ll like to know how can I find love with my special needs? I easily get embarrassed, unless I’m abit hard on myself,

Has anyone had this same issue?

Hello Adrian 2011,

I have joined this forum specifically to answer your post.

I’m so sorry that no-one has replied to your note, perhaps my experience might give some hope. I have Aspergers, diagnosed in 2011 when I was in my mid forties. I had resigned myself to a life on my own as I has realised that I was impossible to live with. I was lonely, but resigned. Where was I to find someone who liked me, wanted to be with me and was patient enough to understand my behaviour and forgive me for it? A big ask, right?

But guess what? I found that person and she is now my wife of nearly ten years. I’m still a prat because of my condition, but she knows that I don’t mean to be rude, weird and bad tempered.

There are people out there who can put up with us, but I think you have to be honest from the start about what they’re getting themselves into . I hope you have found someone since you posted back in November, please don’t give up hope.

Best wishes for the future.

I found this post and although it is fairly old I thought I would contribute in case anybody is still looking for information/advice on this topic. I hope I can be helpful.

I am autistic with social anxiety, I have been married for thirty years now and things were easier for me when I was looking for a partner to share my life because I was a masking female and had not yet realised how much ‘peopling’ exhausted me and neither did I realise I was autistic back then.

From sheer good fortune I met and fell in love with my husband who was also an undiagnosed autistic person. We didn’t find out we were autistic until our son reached an age when it became clear he was autistic and in our journey together to find out how to best manage things we learned and realised we were a fully autistic family.

In my son’s case he made many friends online and many of them were female and he socialised that way. He treated his female friends with respect and strong relationships were built up and eventually he met some of them in person and over the years had girlfriends. Mainly online but with visits as often they were living long distances away and sometimes abroad. He was (and we were) quite careful about making sure the people he was interacting with online were who they said they were and took steps to confirm identities etc - we called it doing due diligence. In return he also gave similar reassurances to people and that helped. He didn’t use dating apps or anything like that - he met people via existing long term friends who he had made either because they had shared interests and so had known each other for years or as connections of people he knew in real life from school days.

He has been married for a while now to a lovely girl who is also autistic.
The key to a good relationship I think is to be friends first and foremost.
When you are a good friend it is much easier to understand a person and it is also easier to be kind to them.
Love and romance is not something I ever found interesting. I was always more interested in not being bored and not being smothered. I have my own interests and so does my husband. I think having strong interests and loving them means you can find someone who will be fascinated by your enthusiasm and knowledge even if they are not especially interested in the same thing they will hopefully be excited in having someone who can be interesting and will let them have space for their interests.

Another person in my family was a big fan of a particular band online and took part in forums and fandom online. She met her husband online as part of that community - he lived halfway across the world but they arranged to meet and they’ve been married for decades and they are still going strong.

So my simple advice is find people who share your interests online and be friendly and respectful online and build relationships while enjoying your interests. There will be someone who will enjoy your company. But don’t expect love/romance from someone and don’t take it badly if someone you like in that way is only interested in staying friends. Because the more friends you have the more likely they will eventually introduce you to the someone who turns out to be your partner - and that is more likely to happen if they like and respect you and consider you to be a pleasant person to hang out with.

It’s normal to feel nervous in some social situations. For example, going on a date or giving a presentation may cause that feeling of butterflies in your stomach. But in social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, everyday interactions cause significant anxiety, self-consciousness and embarrassment because you fear being scrutinized or judged negatively by others.
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First, talk to your doctor or health care professional about your symptoms. Your doctor should do an exam and ask you about your health history to make sure that an unrelated physical problem is not causing your symptoms. Your doctor may refer you to a mental health specialist, such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, clinical social worker, or counselor. The first step to effective treatment is to have a diagnosis made, usually by a mental health specialist.

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