Hi, hope all are ok
Dilemma, my daughter was v upset & angry the other night, I was sitting at kitchen table when she came through & was talking in a v agitated manner. Eventually she tried to grab something from my hand. I tried to stop her by putting my other arm up & across me. Anyway, she ended up somehow elbowing me hard in my chest.
I am still in pain, in fact increasingly so, small bruise, largish swelling. It’s painful to take a deep breath, cough, sneeze etc.
To my dilemma, if I go to gp what are possible consequences?
She is a young adult who has her own place, but is here “temporarily “, (months).
She is currently discharged from mental health services, but she does have a support worker from a local charity. I did email him saying things had got ‘physical ‘ , I am no longer prepared to be her carer & to look for support so she can go back to her own place.
Anyway, apologies for long post, grateful for any advice
X
For your own peace of mind you need to have check at the GP. I don’t know what the repercussions would be for your daughter. Are you worried the GP might report her to the police?
Have you told your daughter and her support worker that she needs to move out? (Which sounds essential.)
Hi & thanks.
I did eventually have a telephone conversation with gp, diagnosis, bruised ribs. Painful.
I have told both daughter & her support worker she must move out.
Thankfully her support worker has stepped up & finally various agencies getting involved. Social care been on the phone to check if I am ok & give advice about keeping safe. Also put a note on my address re possible ‘domestic abuse’, so if I call police they will be aware.Mental health service been informed.
She is still here, while things are put in place, but I feel we’ve made a start. I keep back door key, car key & phone with me at all times so I can, hopefully, get out when needed.
She needs to go back to her own place today. She cannot stay with you any longer, it’s not acceptable behaviour. Social care are not treating this seriously enough! Your home should be your place of safety, no one should drive you out. I would talk to the Police. She needs to understand that she has broken the law and is guilty of assault!
My daughter is still here as, at the moment, she is mentally & physically unable to look after herself, (she has physical problems too, though not disabled because of them).
If I send her back to her flat without care & support that she is ‘happy’ with, she will only come back here & demand to be let in, at anytime of day or night, she has done it before. I know I could then call police etc but really can’t cope with that. Ok, she’s never going to be happy with support other than me, but if I feel confident that she is being cared for, then I can insist she goes.
My daughter’s father hasn’t seen her since she was 3 weeks old despite us knowing each other for 15 years. I’m telling you this so you can maybe understand my reasoning. Her feeling of abandonment is a huge part of her mental health problems., so I’m sure you can see why I’m so wary of just kicking her out.
Hopefully we can get to the point, soon, where I feel comfortable with her being alone. Then maybe I can focus a bit more on my father who is showing signs of dementia & after 10 years of my mam having it, believe me, I know the signs & so does he.
I just have being in this sort of “no win” situation, as I’m sure you do too.
I have a brain damaged son, and at one stage all four parents were entitled to highest DLA care too.
We lived midway between our parents, about 6 miles in each direction, and we had some pretty horrendous times trying to juggle everyone’s needs.
Do you ever feel you can have some guaranteed time off?
You’ve obviously had / have a really difficult time, I’m sorry, must be extremely hard on you.
Yes, a no-win situation. There is just me. I have a sibling who lives abroad, so not much help.
Dad gave up driving 11 years ago, so took him & mam to every appointment, shopping etc. Mam died last August, Dad has deteriorated since. Lockdown couldn’t have happened at a worse time really.
In answer to your question, no, there is no time when I can be sure of being alone or uninterrupted. Daughter has problems with boundaries & will wake me at 3am sometimes, or argue with me then.
Even if I have a bath, which I can’t right now ‘cos boiler is broke, she will tell me not to take too long, or come in if necessary. It’s ridiculous I know but I now brush my teeth in the kitchen as she complains I take too long in the bathroom when I do it there.
Sorry, gone on a bit.
I am aware that until my situation changes my life cannot .
I don’t mind taking care of Dad, at least he’s grateful, most of the time. Daughter is always unhappy & angry & I get the brunt of it. Makes it that much harder.
Anyway, thanks for the reply, hope you are all safe & well as can be.
I would get really angry at anyone waking me up at 3am unless something drastic happened. It’s your bathroom, why don’t you lock the door and stay there as long as you want?
If she doesn’t like it tell her to go back to her flat.
It’s time for her to learn to be an adult.
My son is brain damaged, can’t read, write, or do any maths, but he would never dream of behaving like this.
On an entirely different subject, why isn’t your boiler working?
Unfortunately her problems are such that when she needs something it overrides everything else. She has ‘autistic traits’, a personality disorder & suspected ADHD, among many others. On 2 year waiting list for full assessment.
She does have gastric & bowel problems so needs access to bathroom frequently. If I lock door she will bang on it, shout & scream,
I frequently tell her that if she’s not happy here then leave.
Boiler sprung a leak, just what I needed. Had to cancel 1st visit from plumber as it was short notice & daughter had a meltdown.had someone in Monday to look at it, it’s knackered. Still waiting for full quote though, so no hot water for a week, except for electric shower.
I would buy a caravan Porta Potti and put it in her room for her.
She cannot be allowed to carry on like this in your home.
Long term she is going to have to manage to live without you.
I’m dismayed that she went all through school without diagnosis.
If only it was that simple, has to be the right height, shape etc.
She was first referred to CAMHS age 3. They were worse than useless. I was sent to parenting classes, (which I passed with flying colours) while they chatted to her while saying ‘We’re not going to talk about anything she’s uncomfortable with’. Told some techniques to try, one of which, active ignoring, resulted in her getting a kitchen knife & picking at my clothes with it saying ‘are you going to take notice of me now’. When I told them her response & that I wouldn’t do that again, they replied that I was choosing not to use a method they suggested. She was 9.
When assessed for Autism, I was told she has traits, particularly sensory, but not Autistic. When I asked why I have to walk on eggshells all the time, she replied, “Well maybe that’s your problem”
I had to leave.
Trying to get help for her to live independently is my biggest problem. It seems that unless I kick her out no-one will give help. What I want is help now to get her able to do that.
Sorry, ranting again. It’s been a long slog on my own.
Hope all ok with you
X
I was also labeled a bad mother for years, despite my eldest son being well spoken and perfectly behaved. I’ve had 41 years of battles, it’s ruined my health and my husband died of a heart attack, and still the struggle continues. It’s a really lonely life.
I’m so sorry, truly. I understand what it’s like & not sure how you’ve managed to continue.
Yes, it’s a very lonely life. My only aim at the moment is to get through each day, I know you get that.
I hope things are ok for you just now. Take care of yourself
X
Thanks, I did the parenting classes thinking “I need to show willing & they’ll see I’m not an idiot”.
Wish I hadn’t bothered. The minute I said ‘That doesn’t work for me because she doesn’t react the way you expect.”, I was written off. Though when role playing I was told I was great.
I despair, I really do. I’ve felt despair for such a long time & it only gets worse. Been a horrible day today & still continuing. Nothing I do is ever right or good enough. Nothing from her but anger, frustration, irritability & tears. She cries every day, at least twice, today may be a record. & she doesn’t just cry, she wails, howls & screams & talks about how no-one cares about her. In the meantime
I’m trying to do everything for her, with no thanks & also look after my dad.
I realise I may sound heartless, but I just can’t do it anymore. If I didn’t care I would have kicked her out years ago. She has her own place to go to, but I know she cannot cope now.
Sorry, been a sh***y day
X
Have you recorded her crying all day?
I did a lot of crying after my husband died, of course, it’s hugely draining. Surely she can have some medication to help her?
It must be tearing you apart to listen to her, I’m sure you feel like having a good howl too?!
I’m sorry, your husband’s death must have been terrible for you, a huge blow.
She’s always cried every day. I tried recording her once when she was about 8. She managed to grab my phone from me, run outside & throw it in the wheelie bin. If I’m honest, I’m at the point where I just can’t bear hearing it anymore.
She won’t take medication. She saw a gastro consultant over a year ago who prescribed meds. She still hasn’t taken any. He told her recently that she’ll end up in hospital if she doesn’t take them, she still won’t.
She’s been treated for a benign growth on her pituitary gland, hasn’t taken her meds for that for over a year.
She’s too scared of possible side effects. Nothing I say makes any difference. Nothing I do makes any difference. Trust me, I’ve tried everything…
That’s a heart breaking situation. I really don’t know what to say, but couldn’t ignore your message.
The only way out is to help herself, but from what you describe she is too ill to be able to do that?
The NHS can do miraculous things with physical problems, but still can’t do much for the brain.
My son was brain damaged at birth, I’m forever explaining to people how this affects him, even the Learning Disability Health Team don’t seem to understand. He’s two people in one, half normal 41 year old man, half toddler who can’t read, write, do any maths, manage his money.
You see, in your first paragraph you have grasped & explained the problem precisely. Why is it so difficult to get ‘professionals ‘ to understand?
And family, ugh! I have 1 sibling, who lives abroad, who has said numerous times, “I don’t get it & I probably never will.” If I say anything to my Dad, which I try not to, it’s always the same response, “Oh, I thought she was getting better.” This from the man who suggested, when daughter was 7, that it was ‘Time to give her up.’.
Indeed, the brain is still very much a mystery & doesn’t the constant explaining get tiresome?! I feel for you, you’ve had a long time caring & it’s hard. I hope you’re getting the support you want. My apologies, I’m unable to spend much time on here to read more about your circumstances.
Your replies are most welcome though & gratefully received
Take care
X
If I say anything to my Dad, which I try not to, it’s always the same response, “Oh, I thought she was getting better.” This from the man who suggested, when daughter was 7, that it was ‘Time to give her up.’.