@HelpBehindTheScenes I cannot easily get a face to face with my GP and I am at a different surgery to my husband. I did see a GP to talk about my sleeping issues - even when he does NOT cough at 1am/2am I wake up and most mornings up at 3ish. But I go to bed early. I had not been to my Surgery since 2018 when my late father died and will NOT take a/d as I feel my feelings are ‘normal’. This guy said he would prescribe a short course of sleeping pills to try and ‘break the cycle’ which is all I wanted BUT how would I feel if my husband needed me in the night and I did not hear him calling! He then took my blood pressure which was higher than normal as I was frankly furious. So for my £81 per week I am expected to be ‘on call’ 24/7 and not even allowed to sleep properly. I would point out that his non compliance re the inhalers is partially the reason I do not sleep well. He sleeps downstairs and I am a very light sleeper. So have no faith in the GP Surgery. I do feel a good counsellor might help but it is finding a good one and being able to pay and get out for a number of sessions. I used to do Vol work for Relate so I know how good counselling SHOULD work.
The NHS is truly broken and women like those posting on this thread are being treated as ‘expendable’. It is all about the Caree’s needs. But legally we do not HAVE to care. We are all articulate and able to ask for and give support on here but what about those who do not have this support system? I am relatively lucky having good health and a few local friends and a couple of non local friends but many do not have this ‘infrasctucture’.
@HelpBehindTheScenes Do you really want to stay with your husband? You have a life too? Please think about a good counsellor and maybe discussing your feelings. But I would REALLY encourage you to make some kind of life outside your home as these vicious old people - sorry to be blunt can be totally and utterly draining…
One of my main issues is husband’s medical non compliance so to a degree and my own sanity, I have HAD to disengage. I still put the pills out and prompt. I still prompt to change incontinence pads and try to steal gowns when he is in the bath. I check his weigh and pressure sore areas. But I am a
‘Live in Carer’ rather than Wife and sadly the only option to keep my home and cats is to provide care for a non complaint 85 year old. Frontotemporal Dementia also shares some of the ‘traits’ with conditions mentioned…and he did have
Moderate shrinkage of the frontotemporal lobes in Scan in October 2022
In October 2024 Scan showed progression but his GP became very cagey when I asked her to confirm it was NOT more than age related and I was asked if I wanted to attend alone to discuss and look at the results more clinically. My ‘guess’ is that it is more than age related but the memory clinics will only take the very worst cases so Surgeries are getting their referrals refused which is what has happened to us.
@selinakylie The list of traits which characterise ODD also fit my H.
“I do not like the way that so many conditions are now treated as if it is ‘not the sufferers fault’ IE Dementia”
I think dementia has been proven not to be the sufferers fault, it is a progressive neurological condition that the person cannot help having. However I do agree that many conditions as labelled by the DSM are often used as an excuse for abusive behaviour, when in fact the person could be suffering from such a condition, but also be abusive.
I think we need to consider the type of person they were before the onset of any such condition. i.e. If they were previously kind, caring, loving - it is more likely that any change to their personality has a biological cause. However if they were previously domineering, aggressive, controlling - then it’s likely they were always that way but maybe an additional neurological condition exacerbates those behaviours.
@EEG I do agree with you. With E the potential ‘dementia’ has magnified his need to ‘control’. Also his physical health going downhill too has made him realise he is vulnerable. It is certainly not ‘black and white’. I think he found retirement hard as he lost ‘status’ but where as I enjoyed Vol work for the National Trust he would not get involved as he would not have been an ‘expert’ at this subject and would had to have learnt along with the rest of the Room Stewards. Ironically the vols who taught me were a retired Professor who spoke several languages, a retired GP and a Management Consultant who was semi retired. Plus a lady who worked part time for the OU. With Rotary he would not interact with the other members - many highly educated and articulate. Yet he is always saying he cannot ‘bond’ with people because he is SO highly intelligent.
I fully understand that. I know all the guides to being a carer for anyone with Dementia etc always say things like “Don’t disagree with them”. I do find that one of the moment difficult things to go along with. I’m not that kind of person that can just say “You are right” when everyone around them knows they are talking nonsense. My way around it is not to agree with them, but say I’m just going to make your coffee now, by the time I’m back they (my mum in this case) has probably forgotten what it is she was saying anyway. My other option is to “change the subject” without replying to what they’ve just asked.
Some of the things my mum has claimed: The doorbell just rang. (I go to the door and no one is there).
There is a huge spider at the bottom of her bed/or get rid of that cobweb… Checked. No spider, little or big.
Can you get rid of those ants. Checked. Not a single ant.
Can you let the police in when they arrive. Surprise, surprise, no police call on us.
@SteveDJmusic Do you get any help caring for your mother? I am glad you got a break but it did seem to take more than one person to fill your shoes?
I suppose part of my issue is I do not have a firm Dementia diagnosis. I have very little patience with my husband as the non compliance causes huge issues. He has mental capacity yet the medical profession still ask ME if he is taking his medication. I have written THREE times to his Surgery telling them I cannot and dare not speak openly in front of him. He is still substantially heavier than me and my safety and that of the cats comes way before him.
There are no easy answers but it may be worth you contacting your local
‘Support for Carers’. There may be local services that might be useful?
@SteveDJmusic@selinakylie I agree with you both about the approach to our carees with these conditions. I refuse to “just agree” with mum when she is being foul. Yesterday she had her hairdresser running around, phoning the surgery for medication that I had all ready organised and ordered. I have been hit with the winter flu bug and was just unable to go and pick the tablets up from Boots. She had been told it was all in hand and I would got them to her before Tuesday when she runs out, but no……… The medical profession say she has capacity and she has not got dementia, therefore I feel able to tell her in no uncertain terms that she is being unreasonable.
@HelpBehindTheScenes Apparently I have ‘Mental Health Issues’. This is when I try to get him ready in time for an appointment as we go by taxi. Apparently I am ‘neurotic’ by trying to get him bathed and dressed in time. I have to say it now goes over my head as one has to respect someone before their comments really hurt and I no longer even like him yet alone love him. Stay strong.
I do get some help, but mostly I’m alone dealing with my mum. I think the christmas problem is many people feel they have to visit two families over christmas: their own immediate family and their in-laws too.
Of course, your safety should come first. Sorry that you had had to experience that.
I got referred to my local carers centre when my mum’s problems got worse. It’s still all dependent on having someone to cover for me.
Before my mum’s got diagnosed with her illness, I suspect she would develop a whole new set of problems with how she treats people. The surprising thing to me was all her faults just got bigger. Inpatience, thinking she is never wrong (we are all wrong occasionaly).
I often feel that my mum does it deliberatly, but I know she probably isn’t. It’s just difficult to cope with (as many of you will know). People tell me "not to take it personally, but we are all human, and we do take it personally, especially when we are having a “bad day”.
I absolutely understand where you are coming from. I am now confined to bed with a heavy cold and I have pulled something in my back (I have osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia). I rang mum anyway from my bed to check on her and to update her on my uncle who had a stroke this week. I literally got “can you pay my paper bill, can you pick up my meds from Boots, get you get me some bananas, don’t be running around after Uncle B, your health isn’t up to much yourself”
Sometimes you have to laugh! The irony! I spoke up and told her that it’s clearly fine for me to be running around after her, but I wasn’t to run around after anyone else apparently. She said I was making her sound like a really selfish person. You think? In old age her personality disorder traits are becoming more and more pronounced and having more and more impact on me; because she is less and less independent and I’m less and less able to dance to her tune.
@JayneyT@SteveDJmusic Totally agree. I just had to smile at my husband as he says he is having a lot of coffee so making it weaker. He does not seemed to have taken into account that he is consistently having 1kg of sugar in his coffee over 7 days. Yes I am now monitoring. Just too demoralized and tired to try and reason with ‘the Senile Toddler’. It is hard not to take things personally especially if you are confined with them 24/7.
There is NO SUGAR in this tea/coffee/cereal. We’ve put sugar on in front of her and minutes later she still says things like "You haven’t put (or enough) sugar in this.
So true! I have always said old folk get “more like themselves”, and traits get more obvious. My mum is “always right” - always told us so. But now she has no inner brake to stop her expressing her opinions.
@SteveDJmusic@selinakylie you know the feeling of never being able to get anything right? You can do 100 things a day for them but if 1 thing doesn’t meet the standard, it’s your fault. Mum insisted this week that she wanted to pick up her embroidery again. I ordered three beautiful sets all on Irish linen, had them sent etc, etc., they’re too small apparently. She can’t see where to put the stitches, despite having nothing wrong with her eyes apparently. You don’t get thanks or even any diplomacy but just an eagerness to point out what you have done wrong. And people wonder why I have got such an inferiority complex! I take everything personally and I absolutely know why
