Chat about partner with BPD?

Hi all
I have had to leave my partner of 15 years because of his challenging behaviour. I wonder if anyone here has experience of caring for someone with BPD - he does not have a formal diagnosis but it seems to fit.

Thank you

Hi Dandelion,

You have to do what is right for you.

There are others on here who have family members with BPD, hopefully they will be along.

Is your partner vulnerable? If so, have you let someone know e.g. his family or social services. I’m guessing he doesn’t have any mental health professionals involved as he is undiagnosed?


I think my son has this or some combination of things. I’ve recently kicked him out i feel bad but was at end of the rope so I know u didn’t do it for no good reason it’s very hard to love someone with some behaviours I hope things work out for you x

Thanks to both for your replies.
At the moment I feel torn in half. I love him so much. It is only since leaving that I have had the time and space to research what may be causing the anger problems etc. and discovered it could be BPD.

Lorraine - I have been reading really useful book called ‘Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder’ by Dr. Shari Y. Manning who is a therapist working with people and families living with BPD. I have found it very helpful.

Thank you dandelion. I really don’t know where to start been dealing with things for 6 years with little help. I have to say if it was a partner I would of left years ago but he’s my son so I will give that a read. X

Hi Dandelion
I am brand new to Carers Uk , looking for support and someone who has experienced similar issues re their partner. I came across your post and thought I was reading about my own issue?!!

I too have been in a 15 year relationship and feel I’m always split in two, I’m lonely some days as I struggle to cope with his outbursts , some days I do think about leaving but I’m confused as he can be changeable good and bad. He has had no formal diagnosis and is left completely untreated by the nhs presently . my partner was initially assessed at a mental Health hospital 3 years ago after a break down and extreme rages in our relationship and suicidal
Attempts. It was insinuated then potentially has BDP/ and adult ADHD with extreme emotional dysregulation at times.

I have stepped in some years and desperately tried to get him ‘fast tracked’ for treatment but to no avail. I have stopped doing that now as I know I can only offer encouragement when he’s ready as my perceived pushing him triggers him. He is still on the waiting list for assessment and treatment for emotional disregulation but is still waiting after 3 years Despite sometimes very difficult /ugly behaviour. Then again, he does have a little money now to afford private treatment / a psychiatric assessment (he won’t entertain this privately) in reality I don’t think he truly wants to face the diagnosis and can conviently blame the nhs for not treating him. He has been willing to be referred for an adhd assessment on the nhs ( again no diagnosis still after 3 years either) but certainly does not really want treatment for bpd or wants to believe he has a problem , at times of clarity he will admit there has always been something very wrong and has wondered if he has a personality disorder himself. so where does that leave me?

Some days he can be great (over excited about his ideas) but very codependent on me and VERY routine driven. ( HATES his own company) and only likes to be with me so I don’t have much respite when he’s in a mood or irritable . Time for myself is in short supply . In 2018 he moved in with me (again full time) . Previous years I experienced some very irrational and hurtful behaviour , abandonment from him, long long periods of abandonment (up to 6 months) and I still stayed loyal . I also witnessed his break downs. He had gone back many a time to live with his elderly mother from 40 onwards because of mental
Health issues and not being able to sustain a career after loosing his job in the prison service. Pardon the french his mom didn’t give a shit about any mental Health issue even when she was advised when he was a little boy he needed treatment she just left him to sleep in for days /months on end, not wash or recognise when he’d gone into a psychosis, he attempted suicide and his family just stated ‘silly boy’ didn’t get any help or want to recognise this , he was 52 ! . In 2015 his mother passed away he had a break down as he couldn’t cope with the emotional strain . I really wish now we hadn’t moved in together , he kind of ‘rail roaded ‘ me into it in 2018 as he didn’t want to live alone and was besotted about me one minute and soon as I faulted it was the worst scenario and he would retreat for months and become emotional detached from anything ?
Although he nolonger does that behaviour as we live together he is still an emotional rollercoaster of reactions and mood changes in quick succession.
He isn’t treated and there seems no light that there will be treatment on the nhs anytime soon? He says (on occasions) he wants treatment on but most rly reverts back to blaming others or ‘how the world is’ for his negativity or outbursts. He simply says I have to put up with the venting /ranting and talking to himself late at night that’s how he copes and gets things out?
In all this I sometimes loose a sense of self as I’m walking on egg shells? I have a counsellor but no other friends as such (they don’t understand my situation , I don’t expect them too. But I have none really to off load too.
I am just completely confused by him and despite all my research and trying to be understanding re BPD / ADHD I admit I failed! I find I grow more depressed and intolerant of his draining reactions to things. it can be a very cunfusing place sometimes.
The latest example I have for you is I have had a holiday cottage booked for a few weeks now we were both excited by going. I work full time and have been doing overtime every sat so I was looking forwarding to going away. My partner can’t hold a job down in the work place he’s opinionated and hard to manage, he’s been let go from a number of jobs as he can’t not say what he’s thinking about what he sees as bad practices in the workplace! He has decided to set up his own business but everyday keeps pouring over the details and paperwork and doesn’t settle on anything. He has a small inheritance so we do have a safety net but I’m the one that works hard as he doesn’t want to spend his inheritance on living costs to that extent so I’m primarily paying for the majority of our costs.
I booked the cottage and as the time grows nearer to go he’s started nit picking about everything and is serious. if it has double glazing? A coffee machine, not happy it’s electric cooker etc. He’s visualising it may be a busy Rd, no heating , no sofa etc. We argue, it’s draining and I end up thinking how I wish I was going alone or hadn’t booked . He can also be very reactive when driving to ‘idiots ‘ on the Rd which is also a hit and miss practice if you are going on holiday , swearing and noticing when others make mistakes including me driving or not finding the right route for him , if he’s stressed he’s 200x worst He is also very impatient. As I wrote this it all sounds a bit of nightmare doesn’t it? Then why do I stop?
The other side of him is a complete contradiction, sensitive , generous , eccentric, funny and creative . Does the good out way the bad I’m not sure ?