My partner has BPD

My partner has borderline persinality disorder and was diagnosed before we met. I have recently just admitted to myself that i need support in a way of talking to someone who can understand and someone that can help me deal with how i manage situations, and how i feel as it can be frustrating as you know.

This is basically me asking for help support and guidance from other and former carers.

Thank you

Hi there and welcome to the forum.
Sorry you haven’t had a rapid reply. Sometimes there are ‘quiet’ nights and perhaps your readers are like me and have no experience of BP. One bit of advice which is often offered on here is to see a counsellor. This is to be able to talk about your own expectations and difficulties so that you have a clear view of what you will/should do for your partner and what you should expect from them in return. Develop strategies.
‘Supporting’ and ‘enabling’ is often mentioned. As I understand it the latter is when the carer does so much that their caree leans on them too much and makes no progress. The former is when you support them in their efforts to improve and manage their condition and life.
One thing you must be wary of is the possibility of losing your own self, your own ambitions, friendships, hobbies and so on. You need to be happy and healthy in order to provide the support your partner needs.
There are boards on here for MH problems, just chatting and loads of practical and financial information and links. Have a good look round.
If you have posted using your real name, you might want to change that to something more anonymous.
Tell us a bit more about yourself and your partner and what is proving difficult. Hopefully someone with more experience than me will be along soon.
Kind Regards

Hi Alexandra,

Ask your local authority for a Carers Assessment, so they can talk to you about the help and support you would like, and whether it is available in your area.

Thanks for sharing your issues. I believe very strongly that my wife has borderline and narcissistic personality disorder traits, so far undiagnosed. I am looking for a local support group to talk to and also trying to find professional help trying to deal with the issues that are affecting my daughter’s and my own mental health.

I am trying to manage my own behaviours as I realise that nothing I do has any impact on my wife’s behaviours and to try to protect my wider family from the chaos.


I get strength from reading and rereading books like “Stop walking on eggshells” and “stop caretaking the Borderline.”

Whenever I get overwhelmed, this helps me pick myself up and keep calm. The stress levels are very high and I am often put in impossible positions, but when i realise that I am strong and that I cannot change the way my wife behaves, and I am not responsible for the chaos that her disorder causes, I find that i can carry on supporting my daughter in the best way I can.


Too late in life, I realised that we are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness.

It’s really easy for some people to blame others, my mum was always saying “If only x done y”. She never ever said that she should have done/not done something herself!!
When we lived in one house she said she hated it and kept on about moving for years. Then when they’d moved, she wished she was in the first house again.
This demonstrates the futility of trying to please someone who really cannot be pleased, is perhaps incapable of being really happy and laughing.

On the other hand, any relationship can only survive if there is “give and take” on both sides.

From these experiences, I’d suggest you try to imagine looking back at your life at the age of 70. How will you feel. Was it fun? Did you feel loved? Was it all worth it? Or will you wish you had the courage to do something very different?