Caring is stopping me from progessing my life and destroying my mental health

All about caring
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I’m having a really hard time at the minute. I’ve been caring for my dad since my mum died just over a year ago. Since then I’ve not been in employment because of it. I’m a 27 year old man who has a fiancée and I need to progress my life. I’ve sent out thousands of job applications and had multiple interviews but they all come back with either nothing at all or not being accepted due to the flexibility I have. I’m at my tethered end. I’m having breakdowns and I feel like the most useless person on the planet becuase I can’t progress with my partner or in general and I feel totally trapped. I don’t know what to do or how I am going to get either back Into employment or I don’t even know. I’m just so tired and so lost. I need some help or advice.

Thanks.

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Hi @Connor0110 welcome to the forum.

What sort of care does your Mum need?

Have you considered a job where you mainly work from home?

@Victoria_1806 knows of a job website that might help, I believe you put in your work needs / restrictions and it finds jobs that work for you(?)

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Dear Connor0110,

I read your post and wondered if I’d stumbled across an old post of my own!

I’m also a carer for my Dad, and have been since my Mum died in Sept 2019. I’ve not worked in paid employment during all of that time… although, partly to do with my own mental health issues (I was the victim of work place bullying and unfortunately it’s broken me). I recently got engaged this year, and do worry about what I will be bringing to the ‘table’ (so to speak) when my partner and I marry.

I can completely empathise with the feeling of being totally trapped and unable to progress in life. However, our main difference is that I’m 46. I no longer have time on my side (or so I feel), and I do feel I have wasted a lot of my life with just coping with all the things life has thrown at me.

A few months ago, I would have told you that you couldn’t possibly be the most useless person on the planet because I was the person who held that title. However, now, I am in a much better head-space and can see all the things that happen in the world because of me. If you are able to stop and think about all the things that you make happen in the world, then I hope you’ll stop feeling like you’re useless too.

Another carer once said to me something like, “You are a carer and, in my mind, that makes you one of the best people in the world!” His words often ring in my head when I feel that I am worthless… because, he is right! Carers are bloomin’ amazing people. You are an amazing person!

I would love to find my way back into work - I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up (perhaps I’m doing it?). However, I want to give my Dad the most amazing life too. He gave me all his love when I was little, and now it’s my turn to throw some love and care his way.

But… money… sadly, we can’t live without it. I make a small amount of pennies from doing online studies and questionnaires (try Prolific as it pays well, although I am not sure if they are currently recruiting).

Have you considered self-employed options like gardening, dog walking (and/or cat care visits) or window cleaning? Being your own boss may help you to still be flexible.

You’ve got this… and until you believe that yourself, remember that you’re absolutely not alone.

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Hi @Melly1 my dad needs pretty much full care at this point. He can still just manage to feed himself and wash himself but everything else in his life i deal with for him, from cooking to drs appointments and medication etc. Ive tried wfh jobs but ive had no luck getting anywhere with them as there is always thousands of applicants and well im never the selected one.

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I appreciate that. Just signed up to that prolific, unfortunately you were correct they arent looking for people at the moment. As for self employment i wouldnt even know where to start or what to offer if im honest.

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I suspected as much. Might be worth keeping an eye on Prolific though. There are other survey sites (check out the forum on Money Saving Expert for more suggestions).

I’m assuming your Dad has Attendance Allowance, and you’ve been able to claim Carer’s Allowance? Nobody actually told me about that for many months, so I don’t want to assume you’ve been told and risk you losing out on some income. It’s not much, but it’s an extra £80 a week. Better than nothing.

Hope this all helps.

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@Connor0110
@Blomst
As @Melly1 said this is the job search site that switches the search from the employer to the potential candidate. There are two people I know who now have jobs through this site
It’s called Flexa for a reason - the founder wanted to orchestrate searches that offered chronically ill people a way to be employed when she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease.

There are several key skills that are unique to Carers that you may want to highlight in any interview - agility and adaptability (given those last minute appointment changes, and responding to unpredictable symptoms), communication skills and a can-do attitude (because often we have no choice but find a way through)…just to name a few.

I highly recommend the book The Squiggly Career by Helen Tupper and Sarah Ellis (Chapter 2 on Strengths, Chapter 3 on Values) - It’s a great place to start when you’re lacking confidence and needing to refocus yourself…

Lastly, I’m sorry to say the job market is not great right now…politics, little/no growth of UK economy, many people like us caring for loved ones who are more frail… You’re not alone

Who knows, maybe both of you could work together on writing a publication - Substack also does podcasts and video..

Part of my previous work was building and leading corporate teams, so I’ve been on both sides of the interview table and an observer. I also have my own small mentoring business.

I agree self-employment is a good route. If either of you are writers you may want to explore Substack.com.
I’ve build my own website there and share information freely. Some people even pay subscriptions to read your work BUT please be aware growth is slow, and Stripe (the payment method takes 10% fee from a very small subscription fee). An established publication will only have 2-3% of subscriptions being paid…BUT something to explore, perhaps?

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Welcome to the forum.
You cannot be forced to care for mum. My own life could have been so much better, so I try to help others avoid the same situation.
Tell us a bit more about mum so we can offer more tailored advice.

How old is mum?
Is mum disabled?
Does she own or rent her home?
Do you live with her?

We had another man in a similar situation, I suggested he worked out an Escape Plan so that after a year he was in a different place.
You have to accept that it may be tough, but so worth it. Your happy future depends on it.

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Woah, this is some great info, thank you so much! Will have a loom through flexa to see what i can find.
Im no writer but will for sure have a look

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My dad is 76.
He has industrial deafness, severe chronic arthritis which gives him very poor mobility and is more or less blind at this point. So he is classed as disabled.
Its a council house and yes i live with him.

Honestly ive gone through most scenario’s in my head and i wouldnt even have a clue where to start. All boils back to money.

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As it’s a council house, 4 weeks after dad moves out you will be asked to vacate the property! There is no right to succession. It’s really important to know this as soon as possible and start planning, but don’t panic.
Start by thinking about dad’s financial situation. Is he claiming all the benefits which he is entitled to. Carers UK has a confidential helpline who can go through things with you in detail.
As he has severe sight issues, he should be claiming a disability benefit for this.
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Is he mentally OK?

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He is claiming all that he can currently. I went through it all with the citizens advice.
I do not have power of attourney as he is still has his competence

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It’s really important that dad gives you power of attorney whilst he still has mental capacity.
If you are not working then you are entitled to Carers Allowance, and maybe other income related benefits too.

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I know how you feel, I am an only child and I look after my mum, but I am lucky I have a part-time job and they are so supportive. But remember you are doing a marvellous job but a lot of friends keep telling me to look after yourself but as you know that’s very hard. But definitely look into getting power of attorney both for health and finances, my mum took one out years ago when she was well. Please look after yourself even if it’s going out for a drink with your girlfriend

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I know this very much depends on how flexible THEY can be but have you considered volunteering at a Charity Shop or in their ‘back office’? That would be something you can put on a cv and shows some more of your strength and abilities to any potential employer. It might only be a couple of hours a week, but you don’t need to state that on cv!! Every Little helps…

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@Connor0110 Just in case you need more information: Managing someone’s affairs (England and Wales) | Carers UK
This is what @bowlingbun is referring to.

We sorted lasting powers of attorney out several months before my Dad passed. We’d suddenly realised they were still LPA for each other so we changed it, to make me the LPA for both of them.

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Good Evening,

I am in a similar situation looking after Mum who also has arthritis, is disabled and is a very old 73 year old.

Have you tried applying for an admin role at your local Council? They are called business support officers (BSO) in my Council and a lot of people get their foot on the ladder that way, from young people to older people who cannot work every day. They are very very flexible, you can apply for whatever suits you. They tend to let you work from home too in our Council. Please do have a look.

Claim every benefit you can. If you are not sure, contact the Citizens Advice Bureau. And do it quick before the government stops it all!

You are NOT useless. You are doing what millions of people could not. You are also not a failure. You are being told no by employers because you are too good for them. The right fit will come along. You are only young, you have your whole life to work. Keep at it and you will get there.

To stop having a full on meltdown, make some time for you each week, be it a few hours, or even a day, and do what you enjoy. It’s easy for me to say as it took me a few years to figure it out. It’s not as easy to do when you have someone that takes up all your life.

Take care of yourself, and keep posting on here. It really helped me vent. Plus there are some fabulous people on here who will give you lots of tips and advice, BowlingBun, Melly and many more.

Best x

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Thanks for all the comments and advice. The relationship between my dad and i has completely blown up. I want nothing to do with him or caring for him anymore. Ive been doing this for the past wee while so i have no financial fall back. I need out of this house and away from him. I really dont know what my best steps to take here are. Can anyone help, im extremely overwhelmed and in a slight panic at the minute

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@Connor0110
If you need to talk to someone right now - here’s some listening services. Sometimes venting-talking it all out helps!
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/mental-health-helplines/

Can you go stay in a hotel or with friends/your partner’s, at least for tonight…you need space to breathe and think.
If your Dad still has mental competence as you said then leave emergency telephone numbers if you think that’s necessary, or inform any neighbours you can trust…but it’s more important you get some distance and space…in my humble opinion! It sounds like you’ve had a really Cr** week
Your Dad needs the space too…to think and figure out whats important
Creating space is always better than trying to grit through and make things worse in my opinion…
call the helpline tomorrow Helpline and other support | Carers UK.

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What was the last straw?
One day after years of caring for mum through illness and disability, a voice came into my head saying I just can’t do this any more. I’d done too much for too many people for too long. We all have a breaking point, I met mine.