Caring is stopping me from progessing my life and destroying my mental health

All about caring
21

Hello, Connor. You have had lots of useful advice, but I think I can touch on a few points.

First, let us get the statistics in order. Clearly your dad’s needs take up a lot of your time each day. You say you have sent out “thousands of job applications”. Really? I am not being funny but if you have applied for 1 000 jobs in just over a year, that’s about three per day on average. A job post needs to be found, researched and applied for, with all that involves in a covering letter and any application form you may be required to complete. It takes a lot of time. Even with no job or caring duties you would be unable to do justice to job applications if you tried three applications per day. It seems to me as though you are trying too hard, and would be better advised to be more selective in the jobs you apply for and give them more careful consideration.

You say there are always thousands of other candidates. I suspect that that could be another exaggeration. I heard of a case once where a college advertised a post for a caretaker and had well over 100 applications. On the other hand I have known of more than a few cases where there have been insufficient applications to draw up a short list and the post has needed to be re-advertised.

You say you have had multiple interviews. This is what really matters. If a potential employer short-lists you for interview, then it means that they judge from your application that you are well suited for the job. The issue then is that you are in competition with other short-listed candidates, who are also judged to be well suited for the job. Maybe you need to be looking at the way you present yourself at interview.

What type of work have you in mind? You said you did not know even where to start on self-employment. Others have suggested self-employment but if you feel so negative about it then forget it. To set up as self-employed requires much time and possibly money up front. You need to study the market and determine where you will find your customers. You don’t at present have the time or energy to do this. Many self-employed people began by working for someone else and learned the market that way. By all means do a bit of dog walking or window cleaning, if you find such work, to earn a little pocket money. Investigate Substack too. But don’t much time looking around or see this as a way back to a career.

Full-time or part-time? It does not sound as though you can take on full-time work at present. For part-time work you would need to decide how the working day was structured and how to divide the day between working and caring. You need to have this planned, so that if asked in an interview how you would share your life you could give a firm answer that would satisfy the employer’s needs ─ otherwise you will be unlikely to be selected.

I presume that you are registered as unemployed and seeking work. Your local Job Centre may be able to direct you towards courses on job application and presentation. You would learn how to submit an application. How to present yourself in a CV. How to conduct yourself during interview. How to tell the story of your experience to date, highlighting points of particular interest to your prospective employer. How to give smart answers to commonly-asked tricky questions.

Anyway, what academic qualifications do you have? What type of work were you doing before you started to care for Dad? With a bit more information we could possibly come up with further suggestions.

Have you considered approaching temping agencies? They have part- and full-time temporary positions for their clients. Once you have done a bit of good work for them they will keep coming back and offering you more. The pay is not brilliant but it is a way to gain the experience required towards more-permanent employment.

Does your fiancée assist in any way? Do you have any relatives who could step in occasionally?

Have you any longer-term plans for your dad? Have you considered him going into a care home? This is not a selfish thought; it could be in the better interests of both of you. You say you need out of the house. As Bowlingbun pointed out, you would lose access to Dad’s council house if he were to go into care. So where would you live?

22

From reading your posts, it does seem that you are having a really hard time right now and on top of it all, you are still likely to be grieving over the passing of your mum.
Of course, as we are all aware, there’s not only having to deal with life in the present as such, but also having to deal with the various legal and financial affairs when a loved one passes away.
This can make things even harder to deal with.
It appears your dad requires some serious, ongoing care and the time has come for both of you to accept that arrangements need to made in order to accommodate this situation.
There’s a lot going on in your life at present. What with dealing with your dad’s care, trying to find yourself a job, worrying about the never ending bills and having to deal with the effects of your problems causing pressure on the relationship with your partner.
All of this can create a great physical and mental strain on your health and well-being.
Ideally. It may help to break everything down into smaller stages as it appears you are trying manage a lot of issues all at once.
Obviously, what’s holding you back with regards to finding a job is all the worry and tremendous stress involved in looking after your dad and trying to deal with his needs.
As always in these situations, the needs of the person being cared for come well before the needs of the person giving the care and it’s always very sadly overlooked.
However. How things are for you at present, you can’t just be expected to find a job right away… Not until you’ve got things organised with regard to your dad’s care.
Reading further on, it seems your dad is heading towards having to rely upon others to provide him with some serious care. At present, he can just manage to feed and wash himself independently.
However. From how you are writing, it seems that only a matter of time will pass when your dad could find himself struggling with these tasks and it’s something he’ll need to face and accept.
There’s no other way to word it really, but your dad will (very sadly) be in need of full-time care.
Arranging doctors appointments (and any other time sensitive appointments for that matter) are enough in themselves to consume your own precious time and cause serious restrictions when trying to arrange job interviews.
Reading further on, your dad has poor mobility, along with deafness and having severe issues with his sight. Again. This is now a time to seriously consider professional care for his needs… More importantly. Your own needs as well…
You both live together and your house is rented through the council/local authority.
One major concern for you both are issues regarding money and keeping on top of the finances, which is all very understandable.
Reading further on, the relationship between your dad and yourself appears to be extremely strained and you want to break away from living with and caring for him altogether.
For you, the strain of it all has become so overwhelming and it’s no wonder you feel so desperate and panicking over this heart breaking situation.
You’ve received a lot of good advice already on here and some direction to other sources of help. With regards to your situation over the house and rental agreements, it would be a good idea to seek further advice from your local council to establish what help could be available with regards to the rental contract.
Your mental health (and physical health for that matter) is obviously suffering as a result of all the worry and you are having to deal with a lot right now.
It’s understandable for you to feel useless, helpless and not know where to turn. From what you are describing of your dad, his health is very sadly deteriorating and he will be in need of professional help.
From what you have written, it seems your dad may seriously need to consider a residential care placement because he really needs to accept that he cannot continue the way he is.
You want to focus on firstly getting a job and at the same time, will want be able to apply yourself to the work. This will be difficult with your dad being at home.
Even with professional carers visiting several times a day, the time they spend with your dad will be very limited and that means he’ll be alone for considerable periods during the day.
As anyone with caring responsibilities of any kind will know, there are many employers who say they will accommodate for those with caring issues, but when it comes to running the business, companies are more interesting in just getting the job done.
It can make life very hard for someone like yourself who’s only trying their best to get through life on a day to day basis.
Perhaps a visit from the health/social care people to assess your dad’s needs and help your dad seriously consider full-time care.
You want to move on with your life, get a job and spend more time with your partner and how things are right now, you are facing some serious difficulties.
There’s no other way of expressing how hard things are for you right now and it needs to be said that from what you have written, the relationship between you and your father is very strained and that is certainly taking it’s toll on your own health.
Your dad has been very lucky to have you care for him up until now and it’s a very sad thing that in our society today, many of us will need to face a true and cruel reality that is impending over the horizon.
For in the very near future, there will be many people who will not be able to rely upon their own children to care for them because there are already a great many young adults who will certainly not be ready and able to take on such a responsibility.
Many of today’s children will be in need of care themselves and that will include their own journey into adulthood.
There is already a care crisis happening right now because there are so many in need of help, yet not enough help is available through a health care system that is already at breaking point.
Whatever happens in the future of our society (and there are certainly going to be challenges ahead), we will need more professional, full-time carers to deal with all age groups and situations.
At present for yourself, you are in a difficult place right now. Hopefully. If you can help your dad get some professional care, that will make life a little easier for you and in turn you’ll be able to take gradual steps in moving forward with your own life.

Paul…

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