I hope someone may be able to help as I am in a very difficult situation. I would very much appreciate any support.
The situation I am in is very complex but I will try to simplify it as much as possible.
I suffer from agoraphobia and anxiety, health anxiety, phobias and resulting physical symptoms as a result of anxiety for 40 years.
A man I have known for 7 months and have a very close bond with is currently in hospital. He has a heart condition which he has had since a child. He has an infection in the heart area and after being in hospital for a month, the cardiac consultant said he would enter palliative care, there is nothing more they can do for him, no surgery can be performed (he has had surgery in the past) but they were unable to say how long he has left. I think they considered he didn’t have long at all, told him how he would die, asked him to get his affairs in order.
He loves me (despite me being in a relationship of 8 years) and asked for my support, put me at the top of his list of important people. I, with his family, have been going to see him. For me it was hugely anxiety provoking and sometimes, I couldn’t make it to his ward due to my agoraphobia, problems with parking, traffic, hospital…all major triggers for me. But…I have been seeing him as much as I can and have been caring for him emotionally and psychologically. I tried to give him hope and love and came more from a spiritual way than the medical approach and it seemed to make a difference, a lot of difference. His mood changed from waiting to die, to thinking he might live. This had a big impact.
He wanted to marry me (his dying wish) but as I said I am in a relationship. I agreed, instead, to a commitment ceremony and this was performed at the weekend (so not a legal wedding) at the Chapel at the hospital. I felt obligated and I did this without my partner knowing (I said it was complex and I hope no one will judge me for this). I knew the repercussions if my own partner found out but wanted my loved one to have this ‘commitment’. No one at the hospital or his family know I am in a relationship, but he does know. This all weighs heavily on my conscience. I am constantly on edge that my partner will find out for he has never liked this man I am trying to support and it would end our relationship and I would be made homeless.
My friend in hospital is still receiving palliative care but it seems they have no idea what is happening. He is defying the odds, he seems to be responding to the antibiotics and they say he will remain in hospital for a time and then will be discharged (apparently some people receiving palliative care can live for many years). He has asked me to care for him full-time, to live with him in a council flat that he would be eligible for if I said I would be his carer. The pressure is immense but I know I don’t want to do this. For so many reasons.
I do care very much for my own partner. It is as if I love two people, which I suppose is another story entirely. But to leave where I am currently living would be terribly hard, especially due to my anxiety and agoraphobia.
At one point, I was so shocked my loved one in hospital was about to die but now I feel under so much pressure to keep him alive. It is making me more unwell. If I take away my support and care for him, I fear he will die. I just can’t do that to him.
If anyone has any thoughts, I would love to receive them.
Thank you
Cara,
This sounds a very complex situation and not one I feel confident to advise on.
If the person you are supporting wasn’t on palliative care, would you have left your partner of 8 years to be with them?
This information may be of help to you https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/supporting-someone/coping-with-bereavement/if-the-person-you-care-for-is-dying
Melly1