Thankyou for allowing me to join your Forum.
I have looked after Mum with onset Dementia the past 4 years.
Mum still has a lot of ability to care for herself but the danger side and complex thinking is an issue and personal hygiene and meals is now becoming another step.
I don’t have any trouble looking after Mum when alone we have a good routine,
Mum understands my support trusts it and i hate to say the word compliant but can’t place another, meaning Mum eats well, agrees easy to being cared for, listens and isn’t rejecting or stubborn…we get on how we should and she allows me to look after her and we have a good relationship and laughs.
The problems happen when her friend of 15 years comes to stay the 2 nights meaning 4 half days in Mums home so no routine can be kept as i can’t do what i need to my presence isn’t wanted. So i go when they leave.
This person recently went away on holiday Mum was ill the routine for recovery kicked straight in 5 great days. As soon as this persons back no more routine, no wish to be cared for and doesn’t want me to stay long and Mum returns to speaking to me as if I’m in the way. ( I’ve been disspencible to Mum from childhood, I’ve acknowledged it, i know it I’m ok with it and I’m doing what a daughter does but its interffering with caring also Mum has nobody else that wants to visit her to care for her the rest of the family is AWAL no visits in 12 years)
I’ve recently found a pack of razors that my mum has asked her visitor for actually after i had asked for them not to be in her home. After a holiday fall out and nasty communications were he rang me and demanded i do something regarding a bill… that was already paid, but he doesn’t know because he’s not Mums carer/POA or bill payer?? So i had to draw a line and sit them both down and highlight my position and my job and responsibilities and ask him to stay out of my job.
Then Recetly a bottle of olive oil Mum had asked her visitor to bring for her ear.
I found it spilled over a surface near electrical equipment and the non slip flooring making it a very slip flooring. Not to mention the fact its a medical complaint and I’m her carer and im nit even told shes using it or its there?
I have had on going problems with Mums visitor who doesn’t respect my position at all and undermines it on regular occasions. I do see it as a hard situation for them. They have been partners living apart for 16 years but he’s not able to nor willing to look after mum full time and his judgments are very poor regarding her dementia and abilities as it shows from the razors and oil.
I have tried to include him in many things over the years even sharing a holiday which i thought was my last with Mum and he ruined the last morning by being absolutely antagonistic and bitter because he didn’t want to leave and took it out on me ( I’d been awake most of the 2 nights ensuring Mum didn’t leave her ensuite and roam around and im also the only driver)
I am very close to leaving Mum now due to this problem as every 2 days there is an issue with what i do fior Mum
This week i ordered lots of clothes online of different sizes and did a clothes fitting with Mum ( it was fun we had a laugh) and we had it all sorted , i drove into town returned any no good got correct sizes and it was a good result for Mum and my days work.
Last night i got a call from Mum telling me what i goit her was wrong its to big. I said “they are fine they just need the elastic adjusted” but Mum replied “no they are the wrong size WE’VE” just tried them they are to big they fall down" I was absolutely heart broken to say the least 3 pairs of lovely trousers, the time and trip into town exchanges fantastic work and Mum with lovely new clothes and happy…then its all thrown out the window when he got there.
I actually don’t want to do this anymore. I want to cancel my caring position to Mum, i want to go to work, pay my mortgage, not watch my assets rotting while i drown on £60 a week . My mental health is at its wits end my physical health is a mess and I’m having heart tests at the put patience i simply don’t want to be a part of it all anymore.