Carer Issues for the Cared For

Hi, everyone and thanks for letting me be a part of the forum.

I understand this is essentially a forum for carers per se but what if you are disabled and have a carer (who is also one’s partner), that isn’t stepping up?

I can honestly testify that I am the least demanding person out there. My partner offers me cooked meals and does do a lot of housework when I can’t get around but I never ask because I am somewhat stubborn and reluctant to be demanding. However, I think he has become depressed of late. He drinks too much and lies in bed until late afternoon, meaning I am not getting the help I sometimes require with regard to my limited mobility.

Does anyone else feel that they are not getting enough care? My partner is ex-Navy and was a chef but he has fallen into bad habits. I could understand it if I was demanding and grumpy but I am anything but. Any comparisons and comments would be welcomed. Thanks again,

Lo xx

Hi Louise

And welcome

I personally think if you as a cared for individual. Is better to have outside the home help/assistance. As much as you can. The only way to get your needs met. Is to take your own control of it. This leaves your relationship as near to what it may have been.
I am making an assumption here. Did you have your disability before or after you met your partner.

Have you ever had a needs assessment and your partner a carers assessment.

It’s time for you to have some outside help to meet your care needs, so you regain your husband/wife relationship. Just because you can’t do anything doesn’t mean he should do it, or you go without. Maybe you both need counselling to help you both understand your relationship now? Don’t think “she doesn’t know …” because I do!
Three months after I was widowed I was involved in a head on smash that nearly killed me. For five years I hobbled around with walking sticks but still caring to some extent for brain damaged son and housebound mum 6 miles away.
Make a list of what he helps you with, ring Social Services and ask for a Needs Assessment for yourself. What can you do? What do you struggle with?
Is the house as easy as possible to look after, with good washing machine, tumble dryer and dishwasher?
Are you claiming any disability related benefits?
Can you get out and about by yourself, or rely on him?
What isn’t getting done that you’d like done?

Hi Louise and welcome to the forum.
My advice to you is talk to your partner first before you change anything about your care.
Why did your partner leave his job? Did he give up work to look after you?
It sounds like he is depressed, but you really need to tell him how his behaviour is affecting you and your needs.
If you decide to get outside carers this could make your relationship with your partner worse.
Perhaps he feels you just want him as a 'carer ’ and not as a lover anymore.
I really hope things improve for you both.