Carer for a elderly parent

Hi everyone Im a new member to this forum. I currently care for my 83 year old mother who has many health problems. I find it difficult to have hobbies as caring for my mother is a full time even though I wouldn’t want to do anything else but times can be hard and a little stressful wondering if any carers in my situation offer any advice or just a friendly chat .

Hi Jayne, welcome to Carersuk. I joined this site in the summer and it has been an enormous help having other carers to talk to.
I have been caring for my mum (age 88) for 3 and a half years now. My mum lives independently but has mobility problens caused by arthritis. I am her main carer. I have a sister who stays with her alternative weeksnds which is much appreciated and needed. I also have another sister who visits mum every Sunday.
Mum refuses to have outside Carers which I accept BUT the way I cope is by me having an agreed start and finish time each day. I told mum a long time ago that I refuse to do nights (unless there was an emergency). I’m sure you are aware that as a Carer your work is never finished and if you’re not careful you can end up caring for 24 hours each day!! I am aware that as she ages my mum will need more care. Fortunately mum has savings so she could employ more members of the family to help when needed.
I go to yoga and pilates classes each week and I find this relaxing and a chance to socialise with others.

Jayne, what does mum need help with?

Hi rhona fanx 4 reply my mom is 83 and also has arthritis in her joints which causes her lots ov pain she is on painkillers but it doesn’t help that she don’t move but she doesn’t listen she also won’t accept outside help I av 4 siblings who try 2 help but I’m the main one around all the time I do get out now and then but it doesn’t really leave ur mind x

Hi bowlingbun fanx 4 ur reply my mom needs help with everything really she is 83 but doesn’t really help herself she doesn’t get out ov bed much these days which has made all her joints stiff x

Jayne. hi and welcome.

Honestly, if we all had a fiver every time one the forum members says ‘my mum/dad doesn’t want any outside help’ we’d all be rich!!!

Exasperating, isn’t it!

(I tried to organise someone popping by my MIL in the evening to make her dinner - she wouldn’t let her in the second time!) (sigh).

The thing is though, that whilst our parents are perfectly happy for their children to do ‘everything’ for them, they simply fail to realise how much has to be done - that in looking after them our own lives are badly limited.

I think the time has come for you to ‘override’ what your mum wants (or doesn’t want!), in terms of outside help.

One of the things she needs to understand is this: - that her choice now is not:

  • my daughter/children look after me OR outsiders look after me (because of course she’ll choose you!)


  • my daughters/children AND outsiders look after me OR I go into a care home…

The ‘deal’ is that with outside help she can stay at home and have you/your siblings look after her - otherwise you just CANNOT keep going, and she will just have to go into residential care.

Another factor (again, sigh) is that parents go on treating us like ‘kiddies’ even when we are grown up - she has called the shots all your life, and sees no reason to ‘take orders’ from you etc. this isn’t to be horrid, it’s just habit mostly (I do this with my own adult son - I forget he’s grown up now!) . But now the roles are reverse, she needs your help and care, and therefore YOU are the ‘parent’ in that respect. She may not like it, but there it is!

Do you live with yourmum? If so does Mum own the house/bungalow?
My mum has a lot of pain in her hip and knees (but refuses a hip/knee replacement saying she is ‘too old’. ) What helps her the most is massage and some cream called ‘Capsaicin’ that she gets on prescription.

Jayne, it is YOUR choice whether to care for mum or not, she cannot insist that she doesn’t want anyone else.

The only power she has over you is the power you let her have. YOU are in charge now.

My mum found that once she had carers, she enjoyed hearing about their families, what they were doing etc.etc. The key to success is how you introduce them. If you can hire a “cleaner” to help you, not mum do the “heavy work” the bathroom, vacuuming, gardening, then once she gets used to that person you can “just pop out” for longer and longer periods.

Don’t do any ironing, make sure you buy things that don’t need ironing. Always use a tumble dryer. Buy a dishwasher. Do away with the borders in the garden. Hire a gardener to just mow the lawn. ANY minutes you can save can be minutes saved for something you want to do. Insist that you have “two hours off” , possibly after lunch, to go to your room, out for a walk, do some sewing, but insist on being off duty.

Hi Jenny lucas fanx 4 reply yes I fink at sum point I’m going 2 av 2 av sum help in cos as my mom gets older she unfortunately is gonna get worse its awful 2 c a once active parent like she is now but as u know there’s only so much u can do x

There WILL come a time when the following link to the main CHC / NHS Continuing Healthcare
may be the real option :

One to sort away but … not forgotten about.

Hi rhona yes I live with my mom n we rent the maisonette off the council I fink my mom has tried that cream but it doesn’t seem 2 help her x


we rent the maisonette off the council

Mmm … that word SUCCESSION is screaming at me.

Any problems in that area , Jayne ?

If unsure , I will post the link to what we call the LAMPCHOP thread.

Hi bowlingbun I understand wot u mean I fink parents can take advantage ov there daughter I know it’s my choice at the end ov the day but I know eventually I will av 2 sort something out my mom can be so stubborn n doesn’t listen x

Hi Chris from the gulag yes we rent maisonette off council a while ago I tried 2 get joint tenancy with my mom I was refused n Appealed it n was told that they av 2 make most use ov the housing stock at present my brother also lives at home x

Thanks Jayne.

One to definately read … and perhaps , read again.

The LAMPCHOP thread :

There is a second thread … the ROBERT thread … which is similar but a case of being too late :

( I would add that i did offer to create a HOUSING thread to embrace ALL areas of housing … only one forum member replied … back burner for … now, thankfully … I would be looking at a minimum of 5 hours to condense all info out there. )

Hi Chris from the gulag many thanx 4 the information I think it’s worth looking into x

Thanks Jayne.

That’s what the press gang on 'ere told me to do.

" Information Number 6 , all we want you to deliver is … information ! "