Carer breakdown? How do you know & who to tell?

Specific disabilities and conditions
1

Hi, it’s been a while.
In brief, living with & looking after my adult child with bpd, suspected autism & adhd, sensory issues, gad, ocd, health anxiety & more. Also some genuine physical ailments.
Also taking care of v elderly father who now lives alone & has dementia. He’s still able to function so long as routine not disturbed.
What to do when you know you’re not coping? I can’t believe how bad things have got in the last 18 months. I am now at the point where I want to run away, or even make a car accident happen,hb just so I can get a break.

If I can be brutally honest & I haven’t shared this with anyone, I am not coping.

My house is a pigsty, my personal hygiene has gone out the window. I regularly go 2 weeks without a shower. I barely eat, losing weight I can’t afford to lose. I am drinking & smoking too much. I stay up until ridiculous hours of the morning because after child has gone to sleep is the only time I get any peace.
I know this cannot continue & I’m tired of telling whatever services, I’ve been telling them for years.
I am berated, blamed & told I don’t do enough numerous times a day. Apparently I don’t care, I never have, I am a negligent parent etc etc.

Please, who do I contact? Child has a Care Coordinator who rings her every 2-3 weeks, always late.
Should it be her, Social Services, mental health team, who?

I am truly at my wits end. Just a few weeks ago I was driving, with child, on a dual carriageway, when they took seatbelt off & put hand on door handle, ready to jump. I ended up at the side of the road, frantically ringing police while child screaming & having total meltdown, with traffic flying by at 70mph. They were angry because I refused to drive to train station so they could kill themselves.

If you have any suggestions, please bear in mind, it is extremely difficult for me to make a private phone call & if someone is calling me back I need a time so I can try to get out of my house alone.
Yes, I am aware how ridiculous this is

Thanks x

2

Have you spoken to your GP about any of this in the past?

If you have a good relationship with them, it may be the best place to start.

3

Hi Karen,
I agree with Ayjay, your GP is a good place to start - if you can’t easily talk on the phone you could write a letter or ask to email them instead.

Unfortunately as discussed in a previous thread I don’t think services are going to step up and help your daughter whilst you are supporting her (regardless of the impact on you). Therefore you both need your daughter back in her own flat. I appreciate this brings risks but you are both currently at risk now.

The next time your daughter has a meltdown you need to ring the police and tell them you feel threatened and afraid for your own safety (they have to act then) and explain your daughter needs to return to her own flat and give them the info of who is (supposedly) responsible for her care. They then have the choice to take her to A&E or to her flat or into custody. I do appreciate this will be an incredibly difficult thing to do - having witnessed parents only getting support for their disabled children by admitting they can no longer cope and putting them into the care system. However, you can’t go on as you are.

Melly1

4

Posting this tells you everything. It’s time you stopped trying to be Superworman and started yelling HELP.

I’ve been there, at times thinking suicide might be the only way I’d get everyone to leave me in peace, at my lowest point. (This is the first time I’ve ever admitted this to anyone, by the way, but I’m sure I’m not the only carer who has thought it, if not said it.)

I had counselling to help me understand that it was IMPOSSIBLE to do everything everyone else wanted me to do, there simply weren’t enough hours in the day, and that the family had to have outside help, rather than me.

I would suggest that you became MANAGER not hands on provider for your child and your dad. Regardless of disability, what is being said to you is verbal abuse.

Any adult child who abuses a parent like that needs to leave, to have a huge wake up call about what life is really like, as an adult.

Disability is no excuse. An adult child has absolutely no right to live in the home of a parent.

5

Thanks for the replies, appreciate it
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