Caring for husband for 9 years following several strokes now fractured his femur and discharged from hospital 2 weeks ago too early. Was just coping b 4 and now on the edge of exhaustion. What can I do.
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Hi Mu1 - welcome to the forum.
Have you had a recent Carers assessment? Did your husband get a Care Plan before discharge and were you specifically asked if you were willing to continue in your Caring role? No one can be forced to be a Carer - hard as it is to say no.
My immediate advice would be to contact GP to ensure he/she is aware of the situation you are in and ask for help… Also inform the hospital - hopefully you have ongoing contact with people following his strokes - and tell them the same and that you CANNOT continue.
Others will comment about other action to take and some have better knowledge of what action to take than me.
In the meantime, you are not alone and we will give what help and support we can on here.
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Thanks and no to everything the OT asked me how he was mobility wise prior to fall and said he was at that stage now 2 weeks since op and can be discharged. I soon realised once home that they had bee lying as he was still in a lot of pain and not mobile,all transfers on steady stand. They just needed the bed. Also mental health not good as gone backwards mobility wise… Nurse been and changed dressing said all ok and just needs physios.
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If you are struggling with husband and no one talked to you, you could send him back into hospital for a reason of safety. I would get someone to come out and see him. Some nurses will not raise concerns about a person health until it to late.
Dear @Mu1 a BIG BIG hug
If you’ve been trying to cope for the last 2 weeks with hubby in this state you must be totally exhausted.
- May I ask if you have Anyone coming in during the day or night to help at all?
- May I ask how mobile, and healthy you are yourself?
Okay and for your husband - is he in pain? - What is his mental health like now after several strokes, does he have vascular dementia?
- If he’s not able to transfer or steady stand, how have you been managing these last 2 weeks??
- this may be too delicate a question - but we talk about EVERYTHING here, so …how is he managing to go to the loo? How have you managed with him to pee and poop?
I’m imagining that you’ve had some scary, unsafe moments from bed to bathroom and he’s been in pain and you’re up most of the night with little or no sleep.
It’s terrible that he was discharged and you’re right they probably got him to shuffle along a smooth corridor with a frame, and you’re at home with carpets, furniture and trying to physically support him
Right now, in this moment if you’re in trouble dial 999 because a life threatening emergency is you both being unsafe in the house, and you can’t continue. There is NO need to justify to us or anyone else…
We all know that A&E has wait times (I don’t know what your hospital is like) BUT if he’s relatively stable paramedics can get him on a bed and into A&E and from that point push for admission- with several strokes, fractured femur inability to transfer…pain and chest pain are key words to use
I say this because we don’t know how ‘frail’ you are, and when the RISK is high it IS a life threatening state.
Also unsafe discharge and you can’t cope unless more care is put in place right now
I think getting him into hospital via paramedics is the best bet right now
IF you call the GP which is the very minimum I’d suggest, I’m hoping the GP is good and knows your husbands medical history and together you can get more help asap
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Thanks I was due a carers assessment prior to his fall so will contact them on Monday reg all issues. I will then ask for temporary respite wherever they can take him until he’s really recovered and at a level that I can cope with. As you say they cannot force me to look after him as he is.
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He has been able to transfer on steady stand and get to loo but using bottle at night several mishaps due to doped up with ora morphine. He is 70 and me 67 and only me helping. Son is coming am to discuss and will definitely ask for /get referral back somewhere. Just been lied to and put on by NHS wanting beds . Thanks he’s now in bed and I feel more in control with a plan after help from all.
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Discharged still on oramorph? I’ve had various serious operations but oramorph stopped before discharge.
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@Mu1 I’m glad to hear you’re feeling a little more in control…
your husbands on ora morphine for the femur fracture or something else?
Is he able to think straight usually?
Sometimes local hospice charities and centre can offer some respite support at home, they sometimes have trained nurses I'm looking for hospice care | Hospice UK
It may be worth asking if they do respite care at home, or if there are any facilities nearby as an option
Please do consider paramedics and A&E, discuss it with your husband and son - when someone is on morphine they’re heavier and much much harder to care for - you need support AND a break.
We’re all here for you - ask any questions, share as much or as little as you want BIG BIG hugs
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Thanks so much,he’s only had morphine since fracture and is usually cognitive ok. At least I can now quote Unsafe discharge and get some help.
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Just in case - here’s all the factsheets from Carers UK and info support
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/coming-out-of-hospital/#factsheets
Also - you are not alone https://www.carersuk.org/media/gmrk1hec/carers-experiences-of-hospital-discharge-report-2021.pdf
See page 5 for the pathways of discharge
Don’t forget you can talk to Carers UK Helpline who have lots of experiences of this kind of situation Helpline and other support | Carers UK
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Sadly, my mum was discharged several times without any of the proper procedures being followed, it’s awful.No one wanted to listen to me when I said she wasn’t fit for discharge. Several times she was out and back again within 24 hours. I found the only way to get anyone to act was to ring the CEO’s office, telling the switchboard that it was too serious and too confidential to discuss with them. I then spoke to the PA, said it was an Unsafe Discharge (which hospitals can be fined for!) and then I had her attention. Things happened within an hour. Amazing how quickly people can act when they realise their promotion might be threatened. Your husband was entitled to 6 weeks free Reablement Care, clearly not arranged. They should have done a Carers Assessment too. I would ask for him to be transferred for assessment and Reablement either at the hospital or an appropriate nursing home which they would pay for during Reablement. Now a difficult question for you to consider. Is it time to make this a permanent move? My mum had been disabled for many years. I too had serious health issues and my son had severe learning difficulties. Mum was in residential care for the last year of her life. The relief I felt knowing that she was well looked after, no more emergency calls to meet the ambulance at her home in the middle of the night was huge. I could pop in to see her whenever I needed as the home was on my direct route to my supermarket. If you don’t want residential, work out a list of what must happen if he is to return home. An Occupational Therapist should have visited the home ro see what he needed. Your own health matters. You are spouse not slave.
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Thanks for sharing that with me it’s awful how people are treated by the system. I think temp residential re enablement is the answer at the moment. Got all the information now thanks to all on forum and will discuss .
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@Mu1…hi, welcome to the forum. I had something similar where my husband came home after spending 7 months in hospital followed by rehab to learn to walk again. When he came home it was with carers doubled up 4 times a day. He wouldn’t work with the physios once home so they withdrew their support within the first week. He is now in a care home getting the support he needs despite his social worker saying to me he could manage at home!! Do you have a social worker? If not I would contact your local adult social services and ask for one to be appointed urgently. They could then visit and you could express your concerns and hopefully push for something better to be sorted out.
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Hi Mu1,
So sorry to hear you’re not getting the support you need. Just wanted to add, try asking if your surgery has a specialist Elderly Care Nurse. Ours has been an absolute godsend. She has all the knowledge and the right contacts. She has been able to advise on carers, respite care, incontinence, physio and OT, etc etc and apply for a few things on our behalf. Best of all she acknowledges us both as a team and checks in with me too to check I’m coping.
What happened to you almost happened to me after my husband was in hospital for 2 months with urinary sepsis. They tried to discharge him - double incontinence and unable to stand - with no care package. He was originally meant to be discharged to Rehab first, but they had a Covid outbreak and couldn’t take him so suddenly he was coming home. I stuck it out and refused to take him until someone could explain to me what was in place to stop him being readmitted within 24 hours because I had nothing, but it was quite a battle to get some support.
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Good to hear you’re getting good help in your area. Not brilliant here asked GP for stronger painkillers for husband who has Epilepsy/ stroke history and ones sent said on leaflet don’t take if you have Epilepsy?!!! Waiting for call back on Monday to discuss. On a waiting list for a carers assessment as one was due just prior to his fall.In short term after discussing I will arrange some private respite in a Care home for a few weeks for him as it will be quicker. Fortunately he can afford as got compo 2022 for NHS med negligence from 2015 stroke. It shouldn’t have to be like this for all our there pay or wait and battle on.
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Did you ring the CEO’s office as suggested?
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No as don’t want to put him back into the hospital as it was a awful place with very little care going on staff shortages etc. and he will go backwards mentally as well. Discussed with family and we are going down the route of temporary private respite care in a local home. Social services route will take too long for respite but on waiting list now for a Carers Assessment. So hopefully when he returns home from respite we both will be feeling better and I will have some extra help in place ready. Thanks again for everyone’s input.
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@Mu1…I’m glad that you have some temporary respite care in place, that will give you a break.
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