Hi - new here, hope everyone survived Christmas and all the added pressure. I have a daughter aged 16 with complex mental health problems which means she finds doing pretty much everything very challenging. We got her an EOTAS placement, which involves a 1.5 hr round trip 3 days a week. I’m lucky to have my husband’s help some of the time, but she doesn’t like him taking her as she feels more comfortable/ less anxious with me. She also requires a lot more support at home than a ‘normal’ 16 year old with bouts of debilitating severe anxiety, panic attacks and depression, and she has no friends due to her inability to attend school/college or socialise. I have a good job/career that I don’t want to give up,not just because of lost earnings but also because I need to have a purpose other than looking after her. Over the last year I’ve slowly slipped into a terrible work-life balance, feeling completely overwhelmed and finding it difficult to focus, working more and more hours each week thinking that somehow I’d get on top of my work load but instead getting further behind. I’ve been late for and missed meetings because my daughter’s needed me or just because I’ve been so distracted. I had my annual review a couple of weeks ago and my manager basically gave me a dressing down, saying he thinks he’s being flexible (but everyone has responsibilities, he has children and still manages to keep on top of work), and I’d not had a successful year. I did send him an email the next day, which was meant as a appeasement so was half saying I accepted the areas he’s been specific about, but that I would like more feedback and perhaps if that bad then I need training/coaching, and then half explaining that my daughter is actually disabled and I am her carer (he knew she needs extra support and has panic attacks but probably not that she’s registered disabled). I am just really struggling with what I can expect, because from his point of view he needs someone who is 100% focused on the job and replies instantly to any questions he has, so why should he be any more supportive? It’s not like this is a short-term thing, my daughter may need this level of support for many years. And I don’t want him to think I’m not able to work full-time (as part-time isn’t an option). I just don’t know how to broach it now as he didn’t reply to my email but I feel a conversation needs to be had.
Hi @Kathjp ,
It isn’t easy, is it? Not for you, your daughter, or your employer. It’s a bit of a minefield on all sides. I’m sure your employer is treading carefully and trying to figure out what to do.
If you haven’t yet, check out Disability Rights UK and see if you can discover what your legal rights are. Once the holiday period has cleared, you might be able to speak with someone there and they will probably be able to help.
I’m not what else I can offer right now except to wish you and your daughter well.
All my best!
Jean
Hi @Kathjp welcome to the forum.
You may find this information helpful (if you haven’t found it already) until you can follow up the advice from @tootsie :
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/work-and-career/your-rights-in-work/
Thank you, I appreciate your reply and I’ll keep reading so I know what’s available. New Year, fresh start…
Thank you very much, I’ll take a look at that too.
Hello, Kathjp. Your last sentence sums things up well. E-mail is a very useful medium for general messaging, but it is not for discussion of topics of serous gravity. You do need to set up a one-to-one conversation with your manager. Phone him or speak to him at work and say that you wish to discuss his concerns further and see if you can agree on a way forward. Don’t ask for an urgent meeting but for one in the near future.
If you are not already a member of a trade union I suggest you join one soon and discuss this matter with your local representative. They can give much useful advice, and represent you if the matter reaches a poor-performance consultation, with threat to terminate your employment - though just advice would be more appropriate at this stage.
I cannot help with your daughter’s psychological problems, but certainly follow up the advice others have already given. You could do well to phone the carers’ helpline on 0808 808 7777. Would some caring assistance help?
If you can present to your manager new steps you are taking to help with your daughter’s need for care, it will help your case.
[quote=“Kathjp, post:1, topic:126271”]
keep
What do you want for your daughter in future?
How would she cope if something happened to you?
Sometimes it helps to think ahead like this, I know it’s difficult.
Too often councils just want parents to do everything, especially if individuals have very special needs.
My own health was ruined forever after 16 years without a whole child free day. In the end my GP insisted that my son became a boarder at his school. I’m not saying this is a solution for your daughter, every child is different.
Thank you, that is all good advice. We don’t have a Union but do have an HR ‘person’ we can talk to, so I’ll do that as well as talk to my manager.
You are right that it is important to think about the future but hard when she’s still very young yet old enough to (in theory) be semi-independent. The work training placement is to teach her life skills as well as transferable work skills, but the reality is that she can’t cope with, well, very much at all. We just have to keep pushing towards her being able to work at least part-time, and feel able to live independently from us.
Please can you tell us more about EOTAS. It’s not a term I’m familiar with.
Did your daughter’s education suffer as a result of her anxiety?
Is she getting any outside support to gain confidence away from the family home?
EOTAS stands for ‘Education Other Than At School’ and is for those that can’t cope with the school or college environment. Her current placement is at a community cafe, so we hoped that would help with confidence, but right now her anxiety is very severe and she is unable to go in (she gets up and gets ready by freezes or has a panic attack on arrival). Yes, her education has suffered with COVID lockdowns coming at a crucial time when she was just settling into secondary school, still without any formal diagnosis, and already having panic attacks. It is hard to say that she would have been ‘fine’ without the impact of the pandemic as clearly she wasn’t fine, but it seems likely that she would have coped better without that interruption. She basically couldn’t return to school, and was at an alternative provision just for the core GCSEs. However it is the social side that has suffered more, she has no friends.
Just so you know, HR isn’t about the employee… it is about the employer. Yes, they’ll listen. Yes, they will take notes but they are not on your side. Just be aware.
It’s easy to think that HR is for the employees. But every HR person on the planet has a conflict of interest because even if they want to help they are constrained by their agreement with the employer. I know this first-hand and it isn’t pretty. Take care.
On the other hand, the employee is covered by the Equality Act. As carers, they have a right to reasonable adjustments. Otherwise it amounts to Constructive Dismissal. (Google this term adding Coleman Case). The employer might be required by an Employment Tribunal to substantial Compensation.
Tootsie has a point. A HR manager may be prepared to talk sympathetically about your position, and perhaps see some aspects from a different viewpoint from your manager. But if it comes to a formal review of performance, they will take the firm’s side, like your manager.
If you do decide to talk to someone in HR, I suggest you obtain your boss’s permission first. Otherwise, he may see it as “going over his head”, which will adversely affect your relationship with him.
Anyone is entitled to be a member of a union of their choice. It does not matter that there is no obvious general union membership at your place of work. It is quite likely that some at your workplace may be union members but do not shout about it. You do worse than ask around.
The Trades Union Congress website will be helpful to you to choose a union related to your field of work. Visit:
You clearly want to keep your job and further your career; a union is on your side.