Borderline personality disorder

Hi , I’m new here. I’m at a point where I just don’t know what to say to my daughter . She’s never been diagnosed with BPD but knows she has mental health issues. A few people I know , and my self ,have all independently thought she could have BPD… I don’t think it’s my place to tell her this, but I now act as though she has.
The first few two years of her life were difficult for us , and when she was nearly 2 there was a gas explosion in a caravan and she went to her grandmother’s because I was in hospital with burns. This resulted in her being backwards and forwards between us . It changed her, I really am cutting a long story short here.
Now , she believes all sorts of dreadful things must have happened to her, won’t believe what I say about her past , says I’ve said things I haven’t, then tells me I’m gaslighting her… She takes information and twists it to make her a victim and me be the bad person .
I’m desperately worried about her, but cannot see anyway to help . It seems she’s making life so hard for herself … she’s now 34, but has come back to live many times. As a child she was difficult - I sought help for her, but nothing helped. She is incapable of seeing her part in anything , eg she lied, stole from me, brought people she hardly knew back to the home , put me at risk. She ended up leaving home at nearly 17 and 6 weeks later wanted to come back. I said no, not until she could show she had changed , and could come back as a trustworthy person . I still kept in touch , gave her money , got her coach tickets to visit , but I just couldn’t continue living with her. She continues to tell me this was really damaging to her , but cannot see why I said no,
There is so much more I could say , but won’t .
Does this sound familiar to anyone please?

Hi Helen,
welcome to the forum.

I don’t have experience of caring for someone with mental health issues, but others on here do.

You must find her behaviour very hurtful.

However, you do say your daughter acknowledges she has mental health issues (which she is blaming on you,) I would avoid any discussion with her about blame and why she is as she is etc but encourage her to seek help/counselling. She will tell her perception of things and the counsellor/therapist can work from there. She appears to be taking no responsibility for her own actions, but as they get to know her, they will be address her issues and hopefully refer her on to other services etc


A very difficult situation but your daughter needs to see her GP get a professional diagnosis for her mental health issues and the right help and support.

Unfortunatly often that is a long battle to get the right treatment, help and support.

She needs councelling to move on and come to terms with whatever has happened in the past.

Move on start a new life and perhaps you need councelling as well.

You can get family councelling, both of you attend to deal with issues.

What’s done is done, you can’t change the past but can make your future good.

As a teenager we often just don’t do the right thing, get involved with the wrong people.

But people make mistakes do things wrong, we are only human, none of us are perfect.

Hopefully with the right help things will work out good in the end.

Hello Helen. What a horrendous time you’ve had and still are. I’m sure you’re daughter is suffering in her own way too.

I don’t know about BPD but agree she needs a diagnosis by the right person (starting with the gp as first call I suspect). She then needs support to handle he life.

My daughter had quite severe mental health problems, got into huge amounts of debt and lied to me frequently and ruined parts of my house. All these were her coping strategies. She still needs to get a proper diagnosis and help in coping strategies. She is now managing her life very much better but it could be improved.

I’m sure you instinctively know what is best for her. I did for my daughter even though it caused me much suffering.

I wonder whether you should tell her of your suspicions of what she has and that she needs professional help. I’m quite sure she would initially blame you and probably blame you.

Would she go with you to see her go to kick things off?

One of the difficulties is that IMO people will only seek help for mental health problems when their back is against the wall.

I hope someone with experience of BPD will be along soon and reply to you.

Hi Helen

Welcome to the forum.

I’m sorry to hear you are having a difficult time, it 's good to talk to other carers.

As well as the forum we have weekly online care for a cuppa meetings on zoom, this gives carers a chance to have a little break and chat to each other face to face.

Our next care for a cuppa is on Monday 22 June, here’s the link with more information Helen.

It would be lovely to see you

with best wishes

Hello Helen
I have had experience with a relative with a personality disorder and I got invaluable information and insight from the website “out of the fog”
They have information, tools and advice and a forum which was very helpful for me at the time. Here is a link you might find helpful but the website as a whole is worth an explore

old thread, locked, usual reasons.