My daughter is 15 and although she hasn’t officially been diagnosed, 3 different HCP have all said the same and reading about it, it’s my daughter to a tea!
Life is hard, she’s taken more overdoses than i can remember, got liver damage due to paracetamol OD’s and self harms really badly. She is very controlling and manipulative. Came home yesterday after another hospital admission. She’s very hard to live with and flips for the silliest of reasons. Dancing one minute and then hurling abuse at me the next and hiding away. I’ve been on the sick for about 10 weeks and I’m due to go back next week and all her professionals have said that it will be a trigger and things will escalate so I’m a sitting duck waiting again. She’s been into a mental health hospital informally and hated it but she’s desperate to go back.
She has lots of HCP looking after her, but she struggles to engage and just comes across as ‘happy’ which she does to me too. The constant need for attention is draining and I do walk on egg shells around her, she has her younger siblings here too and I’m a single mum. I’m really struggling.
Welcome to the forum, there are others here caring for someone with BPD. I’m afraid I know little about this condition, but I do know a lot about what it’s like to be a carer. I’ve been one for 40 years, since my son was brain damaged at birth, then various members of the family also became very ill, in total I’ve been a carer one way and another for 10 people.
What support are YOU getting? When did Social Services last do a Carers Assessment for you?
I haven’t had the best of times with SS and she currently doesn’t have one. All they were interested in doing was putting her on the ‘at risk’ register to protect her from herself. This was basically laughed out at TWO strategy meetings because it’s ridiculous and not needed. So we have no SS involvement at all now.
I’ve since been told SS should of offered to sit with her or take her out or even offer some respite care; I got nothing. Just made to feel crap in regards to being a mother. They expected me to sit with her 24/7 and not let her out of my sight which is impossible. She goes to college 3x a week. So the answer, nothing. I get no support.
I need advice with going back to work and if I should. I’m lost and feel so with it all.
Daughter gets DLA, got awarded that last Thursday so I’ve put in for carers allowance. I’ve been on the sick for 2 months so qualify due to that and I’m due to go back next week. I’ve reduced my hours to 16, and at min wage I get £10 too much to qualify but I pay my friend £30 of that to sit with my daughter so I then do qualify. My wage slips obviously do not reflect the 16 hrs (as I was doing 24 before ssp) … Anyway, I’ve been told due to this diagnosis things with my daughter will escalate once I’m back at work as the 24/7 attention on her has gone. So I’m a sitting duck waiting on her next OD. I’m just at breaking point myself. Do I go back to work or do I stay home to be here for her. I only earn £130 a week, but that’s still £130 I’ll loose plus any potential tax credits
Best to bounce said question off either the CAB or CUK Advice Team … especially IF Universal Credit is involved ? ( Paying an unregistered child minder …deductible against earnings for that £ 123 weekly limit to be observed ??? )
Social Services have a legal duty, not a choice, to do
A Needs Assessment for your daughter
A Carers Assessment for you.
If they refuse to do either of them, then make a formal complaint, and if necessary, go to the Local Government Ombudsman.
Also ask Social Services to arrange for a “Care Act Advocate” for you as a matter of urgency.
You should get support through your Carers Assessment to help you continue working.
Thankyou, I never knew that. I feel totally let down. Just trying to sort finances to see if I can afford to leave work to care FT for my daughter. So much conflicting info out there, the benefit calcs on entitled to and turn2us both say different things!
Insist on having a needs assessment done. What would happen to her if you became sick yourself suddenly? Do not accept no as a answer. Good luck. You need to be a mom not just a carer. This is what I always tell myself each week and have been from day one. Social services are duitifully required by law to carry out a needs assessments for those who want them.
In other words, they do not have any other option. They are disobeying the law, so stop them getting away with it. Point out you really could do with some kind of paid for support for her. Say that you are at your wits end here too. Refuse to listen if they tell you “No we cannot” because that is frankly disgusting. No unpaid carer in this country should have to suffer alone. Mention that you are a single parent.
Describe what a typical day looks like in your household. Will that help change their minds or not? Counselling is a good idea too. Or therapy for her in addition. You need me time as well. I love me time. When I am at work I feel relieved. I work outside the home as a freelance full time childcare provider to pay the bills. I also recently started working as a qualified massage therapist at a local salon. I love my jobs. Seriously.
Thanks everyone. I just massively feel let down by SS and don’t actually want them in my life , all they’ve done is make me feel rubbish and everything she did was to cover their own back “just incase” and now they’ve gone completely. They know how hard my daughter is and how I need some support and my fears about returning to work and it was never mentioned. I have little faith
Victoria, your daughter has the right to education until she is 25. It sounds like you are going round in circles at the moment. Can I suggest it might be helpful to talk to IPSEA and ask about residential education? Obviously it would need to be a very special place (there are a number of schools in the New Forest where I live for children with very special needs).
My own son, now 40) has severe learning difficulties, and my focus has always been what will happen when I’m dead, how can I make him as independent as possible ready for that day? I cried buckets when he moved into the boarding section of his school when he was 16, it was not what I wanted but it was what I needed to happen, as I was very ill and just couldn’t manage to care for him so much any more. It was one of the worst years of my life, but he progressed and now lives in his own flat with carer support. He always comes home every second or third weekend, so never felt abandoned.
Don’t give up work if it is not going to make your daughter improve. Try to find that special place where she has 24/7 support and becoming as independent as possible, ready for life as an adult, rather than stuck in childhood. Counselling would certainly help you through this incredibly difficult period.
You have described what to me are some very serious problems.
Whilst she may enjoy college, if and when she goes, it’s still not resolving any of the problems is it?
That’s why I was proposing a residential college or similar where she has 24/7 support aimed at helping her manage her issues and develop into an adult who can manage without you.
Are residential colleges free? I has a meeting with her psychologist yesterday and she’s told me to not go back to work just yet as she’s to unpredictable and needs the reassurance and knowledge I’m home for her if and when she needs it. I don’t actually think her living away from me will help, I personally think it will make things worse being away from her family and friends.
Hi Victoria. I agree with your psychologist about not returning to work yet. It is crucial that you are there for your eldest daughter at a time when she needs you very much. Tell your daughter that you’re taking time off because you are very worried about her.
That’s great that your daughter enjoys college. Encourage her to go to her lessons. For someone who is suicidal it is vital that she has some ‘say’ in decisions that affect her. So I wouldn’t change her college unless that’s what SHE wants.
I myself have bpd, bipolar, panic attacks, and a long history of overdoses and self harm, it’s awful so I can sympathise with your daughter, I also have a son with Adhd, Odd learning difficulties dyslexia and anxiety so I can sympathise with you.
I have to walk on egg shells also. My son is 20 yrs old in January and I’m pleased to say as time goes by he gets more and more mature, he is very misunderstood as I was.
I was thrown out of my home at 16 yrs old and had to fend for myself, this helped me I suppose not to let my son down and help him as much as possible on my own.
Ss gave me hell for the first 10 yrs yes protection conferences, 25 different social workers, many many lies from them and much fighting by myself, in the end I had help from a solicitor who found that everything they did was unlawful, since then NO professional will help me.
Adhd team said I know more about adhd than they did …rubbish…so wouldn’t help, SS said my son didn’t meet the criteria for help so I struggle on.
I would love to be an ADHD coach but cannot afford it.
Life is very cruel but I’m glad I experienced being thrown out at 16 now i know how NOT to treat my son.
Life is also weird, my mum is now 80 yrs old and has had 2 heart attacks, had a pacemaker and now has broken her leg in 4 places and will be in hospital for at least 6 months I’ve been told. I still do love my mum and still respect her and want to do everything to help her, but it’s so hard juggling my mum and my son and I still have another 5 children to look after …although 4 of them are in there 20’s and 1 is 14 yrs old. My mum is in a hospital which is miles away and in the last week I’ve driven over 600 miles, even though money is very tight.
Sorry I’ve written a book but thank you for reading this.
I hope things get better for you in time Victoria
So sorry to read all this, sounds like you’ve had a very, very tough time. You sound like a lady who’s got her head screwed on though and a very strong lady too.
I also have 6 kids, eldest is 17 and youngest are twins that are 8. One of the twins is going through camhs for autism and adhd assessments. I’m desperate for some normality back. I went out for a drink last night with my partner and I just ended up crying. He’s great though, I’m very lucky xx
Victoria, you must have a Carers Assessment with so much going on, and ask Social Services for a “Care Act Advocate”, someone independent to support you to get what you need.
With regard to education, you need to speak to IPSEA.
Sorry, it’s late and I’ve had a mega hectic day, will be back tomorrow.
Hi there Victoria, Im so sorry to hear your daughter is so unwell and of your own difficult situation. I can totally empathise, my own daughter (21) has BPD and we have both struggled with this for the last 7-8 years or so. Things became much worse at age of 15/16. Things are dreadful at present too as I moved out of our shared flat bit by bit over the course of a few months - very slowly deliberately to help her get used to being on her own etc.
Ive made my own thread about the problems I am encountering, so wont say more here.
But a couple of things I will say as someone who has been in almost identical situation in the last few years - try not to let your daughter manipulate you, and try not to enable her bad behaviour. Whilst we have to tread carefully, it is vital to set boundries and be firm. It is harder being a single mum - are you also a single mum? Its rough not having someone to stand by you through this and another person to stop any ill treatment towards you - as occurs so frequently with a lot of people with BPD unfortunately. I now have a steady partner of 2.5 years and he has helped to bring balance and calm during my daughters worst episodes - for the first time someone else is seeing how she really behaves ( my family did not believe me).
My daughter has literally locked me in rooms with her for hours screaming at me, has cut her arms in front of me saying it was me making her do it, has behaved psychotically for hours to the point of me calling an ambulance and police - only for her to get to hospital and switch into her nice behaviour and tell staff nothing was wrong and that I was making it up. She has threatened suicide so many times when she has not got her own way - its a nightmare situation, because she has made numerous attempts. But we cannot allow ourselves to be manipulated by threats - I have contacted crisis teams, gps, CPNs etc etc and let them all know what is happenning and will continue to do so as I know my daughter is extremely low and feels very intense emotions. But her suicide threats are most definately one of her manipulative strategies - when I dont react and give in to what she wants, she uses this then contacts her friends or family and tells them what a dreadful mother I am and how I do not care - its a load of rubbish.
I recently read a fantastic book which really made me feel that I was not alone and that my daughters behaviour is very typical of someone with BPD who is out of control. It has helped me to stay firm with my boundries. The book is When your daughter has BPD - essential skills to help families manage by Daniel s Lobel