Between the devil and the deep blue sea

Hi all, I’ve been caring for quite a few years and have only just come across this forum.

My dad was a kidney patient and so my mum and me looked after him. after he passed I could do my further education. Then mum got cancer in 1997 and from there it has been a whirl wind of caring for her. We are now at the stage where she has dementia and is refusing to walk, and on the bad days refusing to eat, drink etc.

Presently mum is in hospital on a drip to put fluids back into her body and I am finally relaxing and being able to do other things around the home. Is it just me but when you have hear your name called and you go running its usually for trivial things like turning over the tv and you think, the controller is right by your hand please use it?

I would like to say we have a wonderful relationship but we dont. I come across quite a few diaries naming all my imperfections and why couldn’t I give up my part time job to give her more time.I had a talk with her on one of her good days and she said that she is lonely. So I tried to find out about activities but as her good days are not as regular as her bad days I could never book anything that is right for her.

Friends have come and gone as they dont seem to realise that my mum is a priority for me. I was married but my ex husband said that I was doing too much for my mum and who is my partner him or her. So I was kinda between the devil and the deep blue sea.

I havent got children as my ex husband was a bit older than me and had already had children but I do have dogs (which are my god send as they give me a bit of joy!.).

I thought I would come on here to gain knowledge from people who have a heavier mum on moving her around (last 6 weeks she has become bed bound as she was in hospital for 4 of them). Also to have a release and connect with other carers who are or have been going thru the same thing as me.

Have you had a care needs assessment or not? This is a useful resource on social care services across all areas of Britain written by the NHS- Social care and support guide - NHS.

If you call the council’s social services department, they should be able to assist you too. A social worker should come out to your property to do a needs assessment with you during which you will have a opportunity to ask questions (make the most of that). Do not forget to request a copy of the report afterwards with all findings and recommendations as well. How old is your mother now?

I am a young carer. What about a care home? Would that work? My caring situation is different however I have had the same initial feelings of sadness etc too.

Some info on direct payments and how they work- Direct payments | Carers UK

Hi Beck, welcome to the forum.
I’m really concerned to hear that mum has been in hospital for 4 weeks, now discharged. My alarm bells are ringing, especially as you are struggling to manage moving her around.
Why was she in hospital?
Was a proper discharge plan discussed with you, and 6 weeks free Reablement Care arranged???
Does she have a hospital bed, a hoist?
Was an NHS Continuing Healthcare Assessment plan done?

I’ll be back later, have a ceiling to paint before it gets dark!!

Following on from BB’s posting , 3 threads / sites which will be of immediate assistance :

HOSPITAL DISCHARGES … the BIBLE … by the book or … NO discharge :

Being discharged from hospital - NHS

( What care plan was put in place ? Were you involved in it ? )


Care after illness or hospital discharge (reablement) - NHS