Another Hello.

Hi i am new here.My Mum is 87 and has vascular dementia , cancer snd heart failur.i work full time, mum has now gone into a home which seems very nice, although obviously not her home.She is very confused, incontinent and extremely doddery, if that is a real word.The guilt I feel is terrible, I went away earlier in the year and my siblings put her into a home whilst I was gone.i know she needs proper care but I feel very bad.Today she cried about Christmas, she won’t mix with the other residents .I don’t think I would be able to manage her care This is our first Christmas since my daughter passed away aged 33 from acute myeloid leukemia, this year has been awful and we are going through the motions for the sake of my grandson as his mum is gone.I just don’t know what to really struggling here.i know I have put this in the wrong bit but I couldn’t work out how to start a new thread .sorry for that.I feel like I am a terrible person .Thanks

Hi Marion, welcome to the forum.
You are doing your very best under the circumstances, your grandson must be your top priority. I lost my husband 12 years ago, life still goes on, but I miss him every day. You are really only just in the early stages of grieving for your daughter, so please, please be kind to yourself.

How old is your grandson? Have you sorted out all the formalities over you caring for him, or is that adding further stress.

I would recommend you have some counselling, to help you “offload” your feelings. I found it hugely helpful.

Hello Marion
As we said to Gary, it’s worth changing the word “guilty” to “sad”. Its sad that Mum’s needs are no so great that it needs a team of people 24/7. It’s sad that she can’t stay at home and be cared for by one person. It’s sad that she’s aging and is confused and incontinent. That’s all it is , sad. You are guilty of nothing.
It’s sad, very sad, that your daughter died.

When you are sad and low it’s OK to call the Samaritans on 116 123

They are very understanding a nd will listen as I think you need to say some of these things out loud…

You can also go to your GP who may refer you counselling.
You’ve had lot to deal with and there’s no reason you have to go through this alone.

I think the moderators (MODS) of the forum may split theses replies to give you a thread of your own


I wrote a long reply which vanished!

It boiled down, I guess, to saying that right now, your focus must be on your grandson, and yourself. Your mum is being well looked after, and her dementia will mean she is less and less ‘connected’ to the outside world and reality. She won’t be ‘feeling’ what you are feeling about the dreadful loss of her granddaughter, or understood what her great-grandson is going through.

Christmas will be hellish, that can’t be helped (it was for me the first one after my husband died), and I suspect it wil lbe a question of ‘getting through it’.

That said, it would be good for you to ‘pay tribute’ (with your grandson) to his mum…

Is your grandson’s dad still on the scene??