Hello. I have been caring for my husband while working full-time. He and I did everything together when he was able to. He booked a holiday for us in India for my 60th birthday, and he suddenly and shockingly died on October 13th, while we were away. I wasn’t with him when he died, he wanted to rest in our room, but he wanted me to still go on a planned tiger safari. I went, 6am, he stayed in bed. He didn’t answer when I came back, I had to be let in with a master key, he was already dead. I feel so sad that my wonderful man died alone. It has been and still is horrendous dealing with the Indian authorities, coming home without him, and feeling so much guilt that I wasn’t caring for him at the very end. I don’t know what I will do without him.
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. What a terrible shock for you. It sounds like he passed away whilst resting or even asleep and you were on the planned safari at his request.
Dealing with the Indian authorities sounds very stressful.
Sending you cyber support. Be kind to yourself.
Sitting down, together with you, I’m glad you’re here for us to be alongside you.
My deepest heartfelt condolences for your loss.
A sudden death is such a shock, but having to deal with his passing in a foreign country sounds like a nightmare, during this already extremely painful time.
As @Melly1 said, please be kind to yourself. Guilt and grief can be overwhelming. I hope you can begin to think more about the countless, precious, valuable 99.999% of other moments you were together…it’s really tough to do I’m sure, and we each go through grief in our own very unique ways…so you just do you, with tons of kindness please!
I hope you have good friends and family you can call on (literally) for support…we’re here for whichever way you’d like to share.
Thank you. I have a wonderful family who are doing everything they can to help x
Susan, I know how awful it is to find your husband dead in bed. There are no words to describe it. This happened to me when I was 54, my husband 58. The complication with the Indian authorities sounds terrible. Do you know when he will be allowed home? In time you will be glad that his life ended quickly, not in a hospital for a long time, but that doesn’t reduce the shock now. On a practical note, find a lever arch file and some dividers and some plastic sleeves. Every time you think of something that needs doing, write it down and put the relevant papers in a sleeve. Then put the sleeves in order of priority. Don’t be afraid to ask the forum “How do I…” whenever you need, day or night. We have a number of people here at odd times, day and night, I found 3am the very worst time of all. Are you sleeping? I didn’t sleep for months, then asked the GP for some medication. I didn’t want pills but my body was desperate for sleep and some time to “escape”.
Thank you. Richard had to have a post mortem in India, and then I had to agree to a cremation there. I found out today he will be flown back as cargo by Air India to Heathrow on Nov 2nd. Both sons in law have offered to collect him for me, but it’s all so cold and uncaring x
It’s a roller coaster of emotions, be kind to yourself. Sometimes just dealing with the next hour is all you can manage. Have you heard of a forum like ours, but for widows, called Way Up? I found it helpful.
Words cannot express my condolences to you. Others are voicing thoughts and feelings better than I could hope to.
I haven’t heard of that. This is the second time I have been widowed, at 39 when my first husband died of cancer and now at 60. Thank you for letting me know about this forum.
I am so very very sorry Susan. I can well understand how shocked you must feel right now. Can only send cyber hugs and support.
Heartfelt condolences, Susan - I can only imagine what you’re going through. But I also believe that most people are quite aware that their end is coming. It’s quite possible that your husband realised this and wanted to make sure you went on the safari - this was your birthday celebration after all. My Dad was fully aware of his situation and tried to make us all leave him on his own - he didn’t want anyone with him when he died.
Systems and officialdom are often quite cold, and seem uncaring. That’s partly because death is an uncomfortable subject, despite the fact that it’s one we all become very familiar with over time. Once your husband’s ashes are with you, you can make sure his life is acknowledged properly, with a get together for all those who knew him and loved him. The Irish “wake” is one way to do that, of course, but there are others - it’s whatever would be right for you and for your husband.
Love the photographs, by the way - it’s always worth digging out some favourite photos, especially those that bring out the happy memories that tend to get crowded out by the grief.
My heart goes out to you Susan
I too have lost my lovely husband in different circumstances to yours. A very long goodbye due to vascular dementia and strokes with other health issues.
I agree with Charles, a memorial service of some kind perhaps with a celebration of his life,just may help you through this awful time.
Too add, my dearest friend lost her husband during covid, like you a terrible shock. When restrictions were lifted she had a bench and name plaque. Family met, scattered his ashes then went to his favourite restaurant to celebrate his life. She said eventually she found healing and comfort from it. Obviously this may not be for you, or everyone but a thought
Thank you to everyone who has shared and sent their condolences. You are all very kind to offer support when you have your own grief to deal with.
Susan - the photo of the two of you gazing into each others eyes at the Taj Mahal is so moving. There you are at a world recognised symbol of LOVE. That can never be taken away from you so try to cherish the wonderful time you had together. Very hard right now, but keep those memories close.
@Susan_2102123 Hi, thought I’d send a few hugs over today to you.
I’m not sure if this would be helpful - About — Grief Refuge
I continue to explore resources and support mainly because Mum and I had to move so fast from caring for Dad during traumatic times straight into Mum’s own cancer treatment, we…I didn’t have much time to reconcile a lot of things about dad’s passing and what we went through…
I found Megan Devine’s book helpful for me https://refugeingrief.com/
I’m finding the app to be…soothing and gentle, in my own time, thinking…
I still have ‘trigger’ moments because of what we went through and grief, which isn’t really helped by talking or reliving it…I’ve had, have counseling…but I tend to prefer processing in my own time…hence why an app like this helps…
Pls feel free to ignore it if its not for you…thinking of you today
Hi Victoria, thank you for the hugs and support. I am sorry for your troubles, and I will try your suggestion. Sending hugs and love back
Our late Queen said “grief is the price we pay for love”. So try to hold in your memories that you loved and were loved in return.
Please delete if inappropriate. When I lost my late father, I found CRUSE very helpful as the charity was set up purely to help people coming to terms with with the loss of a loved one. There is a helpline . It was a few years back, but I was matched with a volunteer as I could not easily get to the meetings as a Carer. I had around 3 session with her on the phone and she was totally brilliant. It may be worth having a think about this in a few weeks time. There may be local meetings in your area. It might be worth at least considering going onto the waiting list for a telephone volunteer.
You can call us for free on 0808 808 1677.
Thank you Helena x I am glad you managed to find some help and support. It’s 3 weeks today since Richard died, still very early days, and I will keep CRUSE in mind.
In some places there is a death support cafe. You might look into that option. Hugs and prayers. Good luck.